A few weeks ago I saw a hot man on TV, he was right up my street and so I set about finding out who he was. A quick google search lead me to his Instagram, I followed him and he followed me back (my personal page of course). He looked great in his pictures and I had a good stalk to try to establish whether he had a visible girlfriend. He seemed very single, very attractive, and absolutely my cup of tea. So, as you do when you want to turn Insta into a dating app, I liked two of his pictures and waited for him to like three back so I could like four…and you know the rest. But my likes were like tumble weed. He did not play the game. So I ramped it up by posting a lot of boomerangs of me looking bouncy with great highlight and lots of cleavage, or me being a great Mum, or me cooking up some ‘wifey material dinner’. I’ve said this before, but all my followers must know when I’m interested in someone because I rarely post but when I do it’s a frantic showreel of me looking like a sexy, gym obsessed, award winning chef and Mother. Anyway, despite watching all my desperate attempts, they did not get his attention and none were responded to.

You’d think that this would put me off, but no, I had already decided that he was my future Husband and so I was determined to make this work. I decided to shoot my final shot by replying to one of his stories where he showed off his food in a nice restaurant. I replied with a question about the food and pretended I’d always wanted to go to that restaurant (that I’d never previously heard of) and he read it but blanked me, this did not deter me though. At this point you are probably wondering why you follow me for dating advice, don’t blame me – I’ve always told you it’s the blind leading the blind. I waited for a few days and then he posted something about a book he was reading, a book I have literally no interest in, but anyway, I made a joke about it – and it must have been a good un’ because he replied, and he didn’t just reply – he went on to ask me whether I’d had a good Christmas and a conversation began from there. Between around Boxing Day and NYE the conversation was sporadic but on NYE it was as though he suddenly got really interested and from that point on we didn’t stop messaging or phoning each other – ALL THE TIME.

This guy, Carter, is everything – very attractive, 6ft 3, built but with a slight Dad bod, deep voice and sexy London accent, 35, grown up, own’s his own home, great job, very funny, kind, no sexual conversations out of turn, a genuine interest in me. He’s really bright and attentive, he makes me laugh out loud often, he has no ‘baggage’, has had long term relationships but no exes hanging around, he’s on my wavelength. He is exactly the guy that you lot would imagine me to be with, looks wise, personality, everything.

It has been hard for me to date over the past 2 years since starting the blog because in order to protect my anonymity I have not wanted to tell anyone I date about the page so I have gone into every encounter hiding a big part of my life, it was easier before because I was still working a 9-5 job so I didn’t have to lie too much, but now that this is my job I’d have to lie a lot and I don’t think that’s a healthy start to something. With Carter, maybe because he is in the industry, or maybe because he felt just so nice and safe, I decided to be open about my job. I told him I do a blog, a podcast and run an Insta. I told him the gist of it and I told him that I wasn’t ready for him to know the name or for him to read any of it but I promised him that if I ever wrote about him I’d change his name and job etc. Carter, and anyone who he has ever tagged on his Insta, are blocked from my page so hopefully he’ll never come across it. But yeah, not hiding felt good, and it enabled me to be the real me and that made him like me. It was a nice feeling.

Anyway, from NYE onwards we were in full on regular contact, flirty calls and WhatsApp video calls every night. When I would do the Insta polls we would do them together and discuss our answers with each other. I was also teaching him about The Law of Attraction and I was telling him how to do a focus wheel to manifest what he wants. We really got to know each other on a deep level and I liked most things about him. There were a couple of things that jarred me though, for example, he would sometimes speak with an accent for a really long time – like, he’d say something in a Scottish accent and then just keep speaking Scottish for ages and I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure whether to buss out in a Glaswegian accent or whether to just continue acting normally, was I meant to laugh or praise his accent skills? I just didn’t know, it was awkward. The other thing that jarred me about him was that he kept telling me stories about how he sabotages all of his Brother’s dates by turning up and acting like a prick. He said that it’s just banter between them but I find it really immature and cruel. Fuck your brother, what about the poor woman who has probably spent money getting ready for the date who now has to tolerate some Scottish speaking weirdo gatecrashing a night she was looking forward to all week. It’s rude.

Aside from that it was all good, I was very much mentally and sexually attracted to him and he absolutely got me and really made me feel like he could see my value. He seemed to rate me highly, he admired me. However, the intensity of our interaction and his clear and open interest in me was a little distracting and I did start to feel panicky that perhaps now is not a good time to take my eye off my career. I’m not established enough yet, I’ve got a long way to go and I already have to divide my career time with Mum time, can I afford to divide it into another third at this point? It made me feel anxious and I felt that I maybe needed to pull back. I was having waves of feeling suffocated. On Wednesday he called me at about 7pm, my phone was in my room and my son answered it, I could just hear them both repeatedly saying hello to each other. Carter thought it was me putting on a silly voice and I think my Son thought it was God or Santa. It was all very confusing. I told him I’d call him back once J was in bed. It slightly irked me that he had called me at that time, but as he doesn’t have kids perhaps he doesn’t understand. I was knackered on Wednesday and I lay in my Son’s bed while putting him down to sleep at about 8.30pm and I ended up falling asleep. I woke up in the morning to two missed calls and “What’s up babe???” Whatsapps. I apologised and we spoke during the day via text.

That night I messaged him and he responded by calling me back, but he took about 8 minutes to call me and in that time I had conked out and my phone was on silent. I was fast asleep and again, I woke up to missed calls. I messaged him at 6.45am as soon as I woke up and apologised for falling asleep again. At this point – if a man was doing that to me two nights in a row I’d think he had a girlfriend but I was genuinely asleep, perhaps subconsciously that sleep was also needed in order to feel less overwhelmed. The dynamic changed after that. On Friday I sent him a voice note at 9am and he listened but didn’t respond. I knew I had to repair the falling asleep damage and so at 9pm I told him I hoped he’d had a nice day. He replied straight away and we had a brief chat. I asked him what he was up to and he said “Lol, well my brother is on a date so….” And that really pissed me off but I didn’t say anything. On Saturday morning I asked if he’d gone and ruined the date and he said he had. I was further put off. It’s a pink flag for sure.

We discussed the fact that we would be meeting for lunch on Sunday. He lives in West London and we agreed to meet half way. I told him that I had to pick up my Son at 4.30pm but we didn’t set a firm time or venue. He said that he had loads of running about to do and that he would call me later. At 6pm I hadn’t heard from him since 9am that morning so I text him and got left on grey ticks. I know that Carter is more of a phone guy and loves having a chin wag and so I felt no way about ringing him at 6.55pm so we could finalise our date plans. No answer.

I didn’t think too much of it though, although it was odd given how consistent things had been up until that point. I guessed that perhaps he was trying to teach me a lesson, or perhaps me falling asleep made him suspicious and untrusting, I don’t know, all I know is that he REALLY liked me and that this was out of character. I woke up early this morning and did a spin class at 8.30am, I needed it to shake off the strange feelings that were emerging as a result of the fact that I was still on grey ticks. By 10am I was really starting to feel quite fucked off, so I messaged him asking if everything was OK for today, given that I had a time limit I had assumed that we would be meeting around 12.30/1pm and so to not know what the fuck is going on at 10am was quite enraging. I went on to Insta and used a function that I never use unless it’s in relation to an untrustworthy man and I checked the section where you can see what the people you are following are liking etc. He hadn’t been active on insta for hours according to this. I voice noted my best friend Grace and told her that I was becoming majorly fucked off and she agreed that this was rude and that I needed to give up.

I was happy to give up, but my mind wasn’t. Despite the fact that in my head I was clear that the Universe has my back and that it was clear that he was not the one for me and that I am unbothered by his bizarre ghosting, I couldn’t help but continually check if I was still on grey, and continually check if he was online or active on Insta. I told Grace that I was going to block him on everything if I didn’t hear anything by 3pm. About 15 minutes later, after I had checked his Insta for the 85th time, I decided to block him. Then I instantly regretted it because I thought Fuck, if the reason he’s blanking me is because he has died or fallen into a coma then the only way I’d find out was if people started commenting RIP on all his pictures and now I’ve blocked him I will never know. I’m too fast. Surprisingly, at 1pm Carter messaged me and said “Hello babe, sorry been rushing about like a mad man” and then 2 minutes later “Fancy having a stroll round Hamsptead Heath then?” I replied with a surprised looking emoji and I told him that I have to pick up my Son at 4.30. He said that he would come to me and I said that it was a bit strange that he didn’t contact me until 1pm, but then I also asked how long it would take him to get here. He said:

“Sorry, genuinely woke up late and have been rushing about”

Me: “I mean, I messaged you at 6pm yesterday (with the shoulder shrug emoji for emphasis)”

Him: “I know, I zonked out early last night and woke up late today, my bad. I missed my mates birthday and everything, bad times. It’s cool if you don’t want to but I can get up to you if you do x”

So we agreed to meet in a cafe near mine at 3pm but I shouldn’t have agreed because the near miss ghosting incident had put me in the wrong mood. Thinking you’ve been ghosted brings with it a certain feeling, like anger, annoyance, a need to shout JUST TELL ME YOU DON’T WANT TO MEET. Even though you are mad at the person and want them to fuck off you also become infatuated with hearing their explanation, or waiting for them to return just so that you can tell them to fuck off. So he’d made me feel that way, and then when he got in touch, I was no longer feeling that anxious ghosted feeling, instead I felt annoyed that he was playing games and that he had wasted my time and feelings. I truly believe that he was paying me back for my sleep antics. But because things had been SO promising up until that point I also didn’t want to chuck it all away just because he was playing some misguided dating game.

We met at a really nice family run cafe near mine, he arrived before me and text me to say “It’s well aggy in here” meaning that there is an aggressive vibe. When I got in there it was just a load of breast feeding Mothers and families having tea and cakes. Because I was already annoyed (despite trying to meditate and be positive on my journey there) I felt doubly pissed off that he’d described this lovely place as aggy. I was also annoyed with him for wearing a bowler hat with a feather. It seemed over the top for a Sunday afternoon. We sat down and ordered, he was even more attractive in real life, but he was also profusely sweating, it was extremely hot in the cafe and I said that it was stifling and he said “Yeah, especially when you’ve got a hangover” and I said “A hangover??” and he denied saying that he had a hangover, he said that he said “especially if you had a hangover”. I wasn’t sure – I am notorious for mishearing things so I gave him a bly on that one. It got so hot, and he got so sweaty, that we cancelled our order and went somewhere else. Somewhere cooler.

As soon as we sat down in the next place I told him that I was really annoyed. He said that he understood and he apologised. We moved on, but I found myself being really cold, I couldn’t shake it. There was no spark between us. The banter and openness we’d had before was not there at all in real life. He mentioned that his Mum was staying at his at the moment as she’s not well, he’s a genuinely lovely, caring man, and a really nice, interesting, sexy person but the vibe had just gone. The dynamic had changed beyond repair. I have no idea how he felt about me, I got no signals from him at all.

We had a good chat, no awkward silences, but there was just nothing there. No fanny flutters, despite his hotness. We were talking about his focus wheel and he showed me a picture of it – one of the things that he had wanted to manifest on there was ‘Buying my own flat’ – his visualisation was ‘I want to enjoy the feeling of ownership’. So I queried this like, yo, you said that you own your house and he said “Yeah I do, I just want to own more, like places in America, a few more here” and I thought ‘He lives with his mum’.

The date ended with a peck on the cheek and no suggestion of texting again. But I messaged him when I got in and said “You killed the spark with your shit ghosting behaviour. I was so angry all morning I found it hard to relax”. I’m still on grey ticks. I forgot to tell him I’d blocked him on Insta so maybe he has discovered that and thinks I’m insane. I don’t really care. On the Insta live the week before last I said “I’m speaking to a new man but I’m not going to talk about it because whenever you tell friends about new men it jinxes it and they disappear a few days later”. Loads of people agreed and said that this is a real thing that happens and so I didn’t talk about it because I didn’t want to risk messing things up with Carter. However by the time this weeks live came I was super excited about him and certain that we were going places – although I was also feeling some anxiety about the intensity, but I decided to speak about it anyway. I figured that if it was meant to be then it wouldn’t be jinxed by discussing it. And lo and behold – two days later it’s done. It clearly was not meant to be and I’m cool with that now. The date was closure. Another one bites the dust. Next……

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