Thought I’d do a quick update blog, even though there is very little to update you on, so if you are here expecting an exciting story then I apologise. And if this is the first blog of mine that you have read then you should definitely turn back now and scroll all the way to the first blog and start from there, because if you begin with this one you will probably never bother reading another blog again, some of them are very enthralling, but not this one I’m afraid.
I am FINALLY writing the book and so I am trying to get my head down and get on with that but I have been struggling for the last couple of weeks with feeling massively tired and ugly and that has really affected my motivation. Firstly, I am withdrawing from having individual lashes, I have been getting my lashes done since June and every lash lady I have ever been to says that they don’t affect your real lashes but they are lying. I have literally got eyelash alopecia and the lashes that are left are really short and stumpy. Even with mascara I look like a mole. There are a few fake lashes that won’t come out and so I have a combination of tiny shit real lashes and about seven incredibly long grown out fake ones that are literally hanging on by a thread but that won’t come off. Every time I blink I want to cry. I have been using Revitalash to make my real lashes grow back more quickly but that has left me with puffy redness around my eyes.
On top of that, I had been feeling like I was losing weight and that my body was looking tight again but I made the mistake of weighing myself at the Doctors and discovering that I am about 2 stone heavier than I thought I was. It is mad how I literally went from looking in the mirror and thinking ‘OK you little buff ting’ to ‘Urghhhhh, look at your back fat and muffin top’. I never weigh myself, I always go by how my clothes feel and now I am really regretting finding out that I weigh 150 stone. When you become a blogger there is a lot of pressure to not be negative about weight especially when, like me, you write for women and you are trying to empower them. I am fully behind the body positivity movement and I completely agree that all people look beautiful in all different shapes and sizes and I do not think that we should try to conform to one ridiculous patriarchal ideal about what a woman should look like. The main thing is how we feel inside, I have friends that weigh a lot more than me and who feel fantastic at their size and I applaud that, but for me personally I do not feel happy when I go over a certain weight, I feel heavy and uncomfortable. I have definitely been conditioned to only feel good when I look a certain way and that is sad. My value is not determined by my body, but currently my self-esteem is heavily tied up in how I look and I should probably work on changing that rather than constantly trying to beautify myself, but right now it is what it is and I am a slave to the beast. I don’t want to be, but I am. That being said, I never diet or starve myself. I just try to be a bit more careful and train a bit harder. Being chubby is far preferable than trying to lose weight unhealthily.
I have perked up over the last couple of days though because it suddenly dawned on me that the main reason that I was feeling so shit and looking so rough was because I have been dehydrated. I lost my 2 litre water bottle that I had been drinking from everyday and for the past couple of weeks I have literally only been drinking water at the gym and consuming coffee the rest of the time. My skin was dry, my eyeballs were red, I was tired, irritable, and generally just in a pretty shit place. As soon as it occurred to me that it was a lack of water I rectified the problem and within 24 hours I was feeling normal again. I look like I have had a face lift. Water is actually magical and we should really not underestimate the power of drinking it, it has changed my skin, my mood, and my eyeballs. Amazing!
Anyway, enough of this bullshit, I know that you are here for the Jamie updates (read the last two blogs Boundary setting and YOLO if you don’t know who Jamie is). The last blog ended with me talking about how Jamie was definitely not my soulmate but that I enjoyed his company and I felt good when I was with him and so I was happy to just keep him in my life as a friend with benefits and see where things went. The day after I wrote the blog Jamie initiated conversation and was flirtatious. I told him that I had heard a disturbance in my garden and he said that I needed him there to look after me. I told him that I wanted to see him and he said he wanted to see me too. I initiated contact the following day and we arranged to meet up on the Saturday night, we were both going out for friend’s birthdays in the evening and we agreed that as he would be out later than me that he would just turn up at mine when he was done. I got home at 1am and text him to let him know that I was in bed and that he should just ring the bell when he gets here, and then I fell asleep.
I woke up to no texts, no missed calls, and no Jamie. At 1pm he sent me a message saying ‘Babe, got too drunk. Fell asleep on my mates chair’. And I said ‘Well I hope your mate’s chair has a nice vagina because you can go fuck it’. I didn’t really, I said ‘Nice’. And he didn’t respond. I don’t think he is lying, I genuinely believe that he got drunk and fell asleep on his mate’s chair, but that pissed me off massively because I was looking forward to seeing him. There is absolutely no way that at any point during my night out I would have forgotten the fact that I was supposed to be seeing Jamie after, it was the highlight of my evening in fact. And if I had somehow got so wasted that I couldn’t move from my friend’s chair then I would have definitely contacted him to let him know. There must have been many times during the night before he reached the point of obliteration where he could have thought ‘This night looks like it’s going a bit wonky, I better let her know’ but he didn’t, and that shows me that he really didn’t give much of a shit about seeing me. If you like someone then you would much rather end up in their bed at the end of a night than upright in some grotty chair with a load of drunken men, and at the very least you would text to say ‘I can’t stop thinking about you but I am fucked’.
With that behaviour he showed me where his head was at with me, and even though I wasn’t looking for anything serious with him, I still expected to be valued, respected and wanted. The fact that he didn’t respond when I said ‘Nice’ said it all. I wasn’t hurt or let down though. It is what it is. It didn’t impact on my life in any way, in fact, I got a good night’s sleep and I didn’t need to change my sheets or cook him breakfast the next day, so it probably benefited me. Perhaps he would have given me thrush that night and the Universe was protecting me, who knows, but it was a mild disappointment, not a big deal, I had no intention of contacting him again but a week later I had to go to an event for work and I took the free champagne bar a little too far. I was child free and drunk and when I woke up the next morning I discovered that I had messaged Jamie saying “WYD, not home tet but going hime soon, WYD???” and that he had replied saying “I’m at my bro’s chilling, you should have told me earlier, I would have come!” We had a little conversation about how my night was and that was that.
A couple of days later I did a story on Instagram where I asked men what the turning point was when they had gone from dating a woman and seeing girlfriend potential in her to just seeing her as a fuck, or going off her completely. The majority of men said that the main issue was that women became clingy and needy after having sex and they put pressure on men to become their boyfriends rather than just letting things grow organically. I have a lot to say about this but I am saving that for the book, but anyway, I decided that I wanted to know what Jamie’s rationale was, because at the beginning he was keen as fuck and so I was curious to hear his perspective. I sent him a whatsapp saying ‘What happened to us, from your perspective? I’m not trying to get deep btw, I’m just curious’ and he replied:
“I just think we are at two different stages of our lives and I want to start a family soon. But I still want to be friends”
Fucking eeediat – from day one I had said that to him and he convinced me that it wasn’t an issue, I replied saying that I had said that to him from the start and he said:
“I know, but I needed to see if it was there”
I blocked him then and unfollowed him from Insta. Not out of anger, but because I didn’t want to be tempted to booty call him again. He is right, ‘it’ wasn’t there, we weren’t an intellectual match and our lives were in different places, but we could both see that from day one and so I felt irritated that he had suddenly come to that conclusion after we’d had sex. I have learnt from this that using people as time fillers in between waiting for The One is really quite a silly thing to do, unless it is literally just sex and you don’t like them at all, but I struggle to have sex with people that I don’t like at all, and therefore, I am better off remaining celibate again until I find a proper one who ticks all the boxes from the off because otherwise I become attached to people who were never right for me in the first place (story of my whole fucking life). I mean, I knew that already, but Jamie made me kind of feel like it was better to go with the flow and let go of the need for all the boxes to be ticked and to focus more on how I felt when I was with him rather than what the future would hold, which I still sort of believe, and luckily I didn’t get attached to him, so I don’t really know what I am talking about. I didn’t learn anything from this, not everything has to be a deep life lesson, he was an insignificant few weeks of dating and it’s done now. NEXT…..
There is a man that I have been crushing on at the gym for months, I rarely see him there but when I do I am like ohhhmaaagawdddd and so every time that I do go to the gym I am on the lookout for him. I have a little routine, I walk into the gym and fill up my water bottle, even if it doesn’t need filling. This gives me the chance to scan the place to see if he is there. We have spoken a couple of sentences to each other, shit like ‘Are you still using that weight?’ but we have never actually spoken. A few weeks ago I was in the gym and I realised that I hadn’t seen him since the World Cup was on, I had this whole long thought process about Mr Gym Crush and I started wondering if he had left, or died, or whether he had found love in the few weeks since I had seen him, and I began feeling worried that I had missed my chance. He was really playing on my mind. Anyway, that night I came home and me and my son decided to go for an after school bike ride, I was getting my shit together but my over-excited child couldn’t face waiting in the house any longer and so he opened the front door and waited on the porch. As I was getting my trainers on I could hear my son talking to a man and so I shit myself and bounded through the hallway screaming ‘Whaaaaat is goinnggggg onnnn?’ only to discover that my son was having a chat to Mr Gym Crush who was standing at my front door.
I looked fucking horrendous. I had been to the gym straight from work and hadn’t showered before collecting my boy. My hair was stuck to my face and I was still red in the cheeks, even more so when I noticed the shenanigans that were occurring on my doorstep. He explained that he is an estate agent and one of my neighbours is selling up and he had accidentally come to the wrong door. We had a bit of polite small talk and he said that it was a small world. I was a bit flustered and didn’t say much, as he walked away I wanted to run after him and ask for his number but I didn’t because I am a bit shit like that and my son was there, but I was certain that the Universe was trying to tell me something. The fact that I had thought about him so intensely that day and then he appeared on my bloody doorstep felt like too much of a coincidence and I was convinced that it was meant to be. I promised myself that next time I saw him in the gym I would shoot my shot but I have not seen him there once. so last week I decided to take fate into my own hands and become a full on creep by strategically standing outside the estate agent’s where he works. I didn’t just stand there, I tried to make it look like I was busy on a phone call and that I had stopped to gather myself. At that exact moment he came walking down the road towards the shop, we exchanged pleasantries but he was with a client and so we didn’t speak. But fucking hell, I am glad we didn’t because he is not what I had remembered him being AT ALL.
I had been crushing on a tall, mixed race man with curly hair, and an outstanding body. This guy was literally 5ft 1 with very oily hair and a matted looking fleece cardigan. I feel that maybe Mr Gym Crush must have a very small, much uglier twin brother who works at the same place as him because surely this cannot be right! The difference between the guy in my fantasies and the guy I saw before me was huge. And this is clearly weird because I have actually seen this man with my eyes many times at the gym, and at my home, so I honestly cannot explain this one, but my gym crush has died. Disappeared. Perhaps he never existed and was a figment of my imagination. I dunno, but yeah, that dream is over. I do not know what the Universe was trying to teach me with that one at all.
I’ve got one final story to tell you before I go. I have been off work this week, bit of annual leave to help me to get stuck into the book, and yesterday I was working from a cafe (like one of those wankers you see in Starbucks with a frappe and a laptop – that is me now), the cafe has a little smoking area at the front and I was sat having a cigarette before making my way home when this angel from the high heavens of buffness appeared in the distance. He was 100% my type and was dressed like he had just come straight out of a Gucci catwalk. He was stylish and handsome and everything about him was sexy and swaggy as fuck. Due to my horrific eyelash situation I had my sunglasses on but we definitely made eye contact and he definitely swiveled his head to look at me as he walked past. I drank my coffee like speedy fucking gonzales and basically ran after him, but alas he was gone. I made a promise to myself that I am going to be bolder in situations like that and in future I am going to channel my inner white van man and start catcalling them as they pass.
I walked back to my car feeling a bit annoyed that I had lost Finsbury Park’s finest ever man and I continued my solemn journey home reminding myself that if it was meant to be it would have been and that the Universe will not let what is meant for you pass you by. I got in my car and I drove down a side street and was forced to pull over by an oncoming vehicle, at which point I looked to my left, and parked up in his car, right there next to me was Mr Swaggy Hotness himself, and so I thought fuck it, beeped my horn, wound down my window and shouted ‘Are you single?’ He grinned and said ‘Park your car up girl, we need to talk’.
I cannot tell you how shaky I was as I parked up and got out. I knew that he must have been watching me in his mirrors and so I sucked in my stomach hard and stuck my bum out, the breathing in probably made me more shaky as I was losing air and the attempt at highlighting my bum made me waddle like a duck, but this was my best attempt at sexiness. He got out and shook my hand and introduced himself as John. He smelt amazing and was as charming as a man could possibly be. He was 37, lived locally and works as a property developer, we had an amazing chat and managed to get into a conversation about The Law Of Attraction, feminism and our shared love of Jeremy Corbyn, all within 10 minutes. I was unbelievably gassed. Until I said ‘So how long have you been single?’ and he looked down at his feet and said:
“I’m kind of not single, but we’ve only been exclusive for a year”
So I said:
“Are you actually kidding me? I asked you this before I pulled over! You should have told me then! Why did you make me get out of the car for this?”
To which he replied:
“The Universe brings people into our lives, sometimes we don’t know why, but I don’t think that we should ignore the fact that we both like each other and clearly have a connection”
He then went on to start a conversation about how monogamy really is just an outdated social construct and that he does not believe that we should stick to social norms if they don’t feel right. I asked him how he would feel if his girlfriend didn’t stick to social norms and he looked a bit shifty and said ‘That’s different’. I rolled my eyes and told him that I had to go while walking back to my car with my bum tucked in and my stomach breathed out. If that’s what happens when you have a hot swaggy boyfriend then I don’t want one. So yeah, again, I don’t know what the Universe is playing at, but whatever, I’m going to keep shooting my shot, at least it gives me blog material!
So that’s it for another blog. I was on Rinse FM last week with Elz The Witch so if you haven’t listened to that then here is the link: The Speaking of Witch Show – Rinse FM
And don’t forget that I am on my Insta Live every Friday answering your dilemmas at 9.30pm UK time. Hope I see you there x