It’s September 4th and the school holidays are finally over. I love my Son more than anything in the entire world, he’s an amazing little boy and he’s a pleasure to be with, I like him very much. But fuck my life, after 6 weeks of mainly hanging around with children, and plunging into debt because of holiday clubs and activities with him, I am really, really ready for this Summer holiday to be over. Although I saw a quote recently that really hit me hard, it said:
“We get 18 delicious summers with our children, this is one of them, don’t wish it away”
And I thought, actually it’s less than 18 really, and I’ve now used up 7 – and my God, the anxiety that raged through me after realising that was a bit of a struggle to say the least. I’m going to admit it though, as much as I adore the good times that I have with my son, a lot of the time it really is hard work. I feel like giving hugs to parents who have more than one child, like, how do you do it? My son has ADHD and I’m not putting him on medication (my own personal choice, no judgement whatsoever on any parent who does), so it’s like having five, I spend a lot of time trying to manifest times when I can have a break, and then feeling guilty about it, especially when I do get a break. When he first goes I’m like ‘FREEEEEEDOOOOMMMMM’ but within a few hours I’m missing him and craving his company, feeling guilty because I shouted at him before he went and desperately wanting to cuddle him to repair it. Then within about 30 minutes of his return I’m shouting again and I feel like ‘FML I need a break’. I know that I am not alone, and that we should not feel guilty, we are adults and we are not supposed to feel completely fulfilled and satisfied by the stimulation of the company of a 7 year old, that’s why we don’t befriend random children and our chosen friends are all older than 18. I want to hang around with grown ups more than children and I’m not ashamed to say it.
My son’s Dad has him every other Saturday, occasionally J (my son) might stay with my Sister, my Mum or one of his mates, but for the most part I am at home for 13 days straight. During the summer it’s very easy not to feel lonely, people come round and sit in the garden ’til late, it’s lighter for longer, I’m out more when I am child free, but as the Autumn sets in and Winter beckons I become more reclusive and night’s in with only myself to talk to can get a bit dull, these are the times that it is easy to start craving male company. Loneliness and craving company are killers for lowering your standards and developing situationships, with wastemen, brain dead fuckboys, and other inappropriate beings who you just would not choose if you were in a firm place of self-love and contentment. If you’re in a place of high self-love then being alone doesn’t feel lonely because you love your own company, but when you are feeling a bit shit the promise of attention from a man can seem very appealing. Even though you usually end up feeling even shitter as a result of getting involved with the kind of people that you end up attracting and accepting when you are feeling a bit shit and lonely in the first place.
I’m not lonely this time around though, I haven’t been lonely for a long time, I haven’t remained in a firm place of self-love that whole time, but because I am busy and occupied with the Insta/Blog/Book etc I have something to think about other than men when I am feeling a bit low. That’s why it’s been so easy for me to avoid fuckboys – I have better things to do. I could not recommend anything more than getting a hobby that you love as a way of making better decisions about who you give your time to. Exercise, learn an instrument or a language, start a business, make a meme page, write a blog or a book, just do some shit that makes you too consumed to entertain nonsense. But even though I’m not lonely, I still do like men, and it would be a lovely break from the norm to have one in my life, and currently Jamie is giving me that. Boundary Setting was my last blog and it explains what has happened so far with Jamie. If you haven’t read it yet then you might as well turn back now, but I’ll give you a little recap anyway (like at the beginning of Power – which I must say is really shit this season, I can’t even be bothered to watch it).
Jamie is my Son’s Godfather’s cousin. He’s sort of my usual type in that he’s mixed race (Jamaican and Colombian) with nice eyes, but he’s not my usual type for a lot of other reasons, I do find him very incredibly sexy though. We had two great dates full of fun, laughter, and of me feeling like a spectacular buff ting the entire time, and we had a third planned, but on the night he changed the time from 7pm to 9pm, which I was OK with, but then at 9pm he let me know he was on his way and would be here at 10pm. Which was taking the piss in my books and so I cancelled and we said we would re-schedule. That is where the last blog ended, so here’s where we are at now……
That all happened on a Saturday and we didn’t speak again until the Wednesday which was unusual because we had been having frequent contact before that. But I didn’t care. At no point did I sit there watching my phone, or checking to see if he had been online. I did check his Insta a few times for any new stories or posts, but I was not in the usual infatuated state that I would be in if a guy I liked had ghosted me after I had set my boundaries. Usually I’d be texting them saying some highly regrettable bullshit on the Monday like:
‘Hey, sorry about Saturday, I was in a mood anyway and I just felt like you were kind of taking the piss, but I’m over it now and I still want our third date to happen (insert some kind of desperado emojis). Hope you are well x’
But this time I felt very comfortable in my decision to lay down the law on acceptable communication at the first sign of problems. It’s not good enough to say to a man ‘I won’t tolerate that kind of thing’ while tolerating it, you have to actively not tolerate bullshit with your actions not your words, and if that filters out men who can’t meet your relationship requirements then good. Don’t miss them and regret putting your foot down, be thankful that you saved yourself a load of stress. But yeah, I had no emotion for the fact that he appeared to have ghosted. Or for the fact that he just casually reappeared four days later without any acknowledgement of the fact that we hadn’t spoken. He just strolled back in saying ‘How you doing darlin’ so I told him I was good and asked him how he was and he told me he was missing me, to which I replied ‘Where have you been all week?’ And he gave me the most annoying answer possible:
‘Gym, grafting, socialising, chilling, just trying to stay sharp darling, how about you?’
If you could have seen my face, it was like that meme girl with her hand out and her face screwed up, like REALLY!? Chilling out maxing, relaxing, all cool and shooting some b-ball outside of the school were you Jamie? Twat. So I just told him that I had been working and Mum-ing and he said ‘Nice, little man looks like he’s having fun on your stories lol’ and I just didn’t reply. I couldn’t be bothered. I just put my phone away and continued with my day. I wasn’t pissed off, I was just unimpressed and uninspired by his return and so I couldn’t be bothered to force a conversation. Perhaps it was rude, I’d be annoyed if I told a man his kid looked like they were having a good time and then he left me on blue ticks, but whatever, if he cared that much he would have come correctly in the first place.
I have just re-read that paragraph and I feel like it makes me sound like I don’t care and have no emotion for it because I was pissed off with him, but I wasn’t, well not majorly anyway – just a tad. But mainly I was kind of casual about it, because whilst I was being strict about times and communication, I really don’t think that what he did was that bad, it just had to be nipped in the bud. I also don’t think him not messaging for 4 days was a huge crime, I think that in these early stages we should stop expecting to be in contact everyday continuously from the moment we start speaking to them. It’s not how every relationship develops, some are slow burners and we should not be over analysing them not being in contact for a couple of days. Neither of us had anything much to say, so it is what it is. These behaviours are light pink flags, not red.
Between the Wednesday and the Sunday we had no contact, then a friend of mine who knows what he does for a (seasonal) living saw someone who she thought might be him on Insta, she messaged me saying ‘There is a hot guy in these Insta stories, is that Jamie? I’m going to DM him if it’s not’. But it was him, and all of a sudden I was like ‘HOLD UP A MINUTE!’ I did not like the thought of another woman liking him, it made me miss what we had on those first two dates and I suddenly felt compelled to message him. He’d been at a festival on the Saturday so I messaged him to ask how it was and I was left on grey ticks for 25 hours. When he eventually replied, he told me he’d had fun and asked me how I was and I told him I missed him a bit, he said he missed me too and that he wanted to schedule a date for Wednesday. I said that he could come over when my son was in bed, but on the Tuesday he cancelled because he wasn’t well. A festival related illness I believe. He phoned me that night though and we had a lovely chat, and then we stayed in touch on whatsapp throughout the week. The conversation vibe had changed though, we weren’t flowing anymore, one or other of us would start everyday with ‘How’s your day been?’ then we’d both give a list of our daily activities and the messages would kind of trail off. It was all getting a bit dull.
On Saturday night me and my Son went to my sister’s with my Mum for a take away and at around 8.30pm J asked me if he could stay at Nana’s and obviously I said of course he fucking could! I text Jamie as soon as he said it and told him that I was spontaneously child free and asked what he was doing. He was free from 10.30 and so we put a plan in place, but I didn’t leave my sister’s until 9.30 and so I was rushing to have a shower and speedily shave every part of my body including my big toes, and I ended up being late. I didn’t get in the cab until nearly 11pm and I didn’t reach him until about 11.30. It did make me feel a bit hypocritical to be honest, but the difference was that I let him know well in advance that I was running late. I communicated like an adult. Anyway, he wasn’t pissed off at all about my lateness, he was just happy to see me, as I was him. I felt mad butterflies, he makes me feel excited but also adored, and I really feel a good vibe in his company. He’s a sweet man, however, I just don’t know if he’s my match.
We went for a drink in a quiet bar near his house in Islington before going back to his, I wanted to chill out and cuddle with him, I totally was not averse to the idea of having sex, but it wasn’t on my mind. When we were at his we smoked and chatted. We were talking about Donald Trump and it led to a conversation about feminism, to which he contributed the following:
‘It’s mad that you believe in all those things but yet if a burglar came in the house and we were in bed you would expect me to go and deal with it, so women need to be careful about trying to be equal because you can’t have it both ways’
I had to face palm myself like ‘Bruhhhhhh’ how can I be explaining to a grown man that feminists aren’t trying to be men, we just want equality of opportunity and rights, we don’t want to grow beards and fight burglars. You can be a feminist and a submissive wife IF YOU CHOOSE TO BE. So I passionately argued my point until he looked kind of frightened and accepted defeat, but he did say that he loved that I was a strong woman who was passionate about my beliefs, he said that he could learn a lot from me. Then I said ‘Shall we talk about what happened last week?’ and he said ‘Yeah, I was kind of pissed off to be honest.’ He told me that he had been excited about seeing me and that he could not understand why I couldn’t let him come round when it wasn’t that late and I had no plans the following day. I explained my point that I had found it rude that he hadn’t let me know in advance. He said that he had been with his Dad and Brother and lost track of time. I told him that this was annoying for the following reasons:
- If I am seeing you at 9pm then I am excited about that, it’s my main event for that evening. It’s not even humanly possible that I would lose track of time and forget about you. So it says a lot to me that it’s not the same way for you.
- Being with your Dad and Brother does not prevent you from using your phone
- 10pm feels like you are coming purely for sexual tingsing and even though I was probably down for that too, I don’t ever want to feel that sexual activity is your motivation for coming to see me. I want to be wanted for me.
He then came out with a very textbook line that I have heard from several men in the past:
‘I’m just not a good communicator to be honest’
Which set me off on a little passionate rampage again:
‘That is actually bollocks Jamie, you are a 28 year old man who manages perfectly well to communicate properly, if you were running an hour late for work you would call your manager to let them know, you wouldn’t just roll up casually’
And he said that he probably would, which is why he has lost a lot of jobs. I face palmed again, harder this time, and I told him that if that’s the case he needs to sort his life out and he laughed and agreed that he probably did. We pretty much started kissing solidly after that. He makes me feel incredibly sexy, but beautiful too, I feel very confident when I am with him. I think part of that is because he is a bit chubby (I am too), and he has kind of bad teeth, ( mine aren’t the greatest, one tooth on my bottom row leans to the side), and he’s going a bit thin on top (I’m not – luckily), and he’s very hairy and has some spots on his back (I have a big C-section scar and marks from old ingrown hairs that I sometimes feel self conscious about), all of his ‘flaws’ are sexy to me, and that gives me confidence about mine. I feel so much better with him than with the gym sculpted twits I normally go for. He gives me unbelievable fanny flutters. I really like and respect him as a person and I feel like he feels the same about me. So I fucked him.
I didn’t think twice about it. Sex is special, and important, and we must be cautious about who we do it with, but I’m not down with playing games. I’m 36, I ‘ll be 37 by the time 90 days is up, so you can fuck off if you think I’m waiting that long to experience physical pleasure with a man just to make him respect me. Sex too early can put men off, it takes away the chase, so there is something to be said for waiting, but if he’s a good guy and you both want the same thing then follow your heart and vagina, not some rule book. 3rd date is pretty acceptable anyway. And boy am I glad I went there because fuck my life, Jamie is literally my perfect fit. The sex and foreplay was phenomenal. Honestly. I can’t stop thinking about it. He reached places I never even knew I had. We parted on Sunday morning and I wanted to see him again immediately after he left. This is lust.
He messaged me that night and we have been in contact everyday since, but the messages are back to being ‘How’s your day been?’ I’m still very vague about what he does on a day to day basis apart from chilling and going to the gym, and I do find that off putting in potential relationship terms. I want a man who is on my level or above, I’m not saying he’s a certified wasteman or roadman, I genuinely don’t think that he is either of those things, but still, I need a man with a stable career, and preferably a pension. He is nearly 10 years younger than me also. I do like him though, and I really definitely want to have sex with him again. I think we started well, caught a vibe, but then our momentum got interrupted, we were both mildly pissed off with each other for different reasons and so when we started talking again the dynamic changed and we haven’t been able to get it back, but I think that has also been good for me because it made me really sit back and think ‘Do we really have an amazing mental and intellectual connection or am I just pretending that we do so that I can get a boyfriend?’ and I realised that we don’t but that I do like him. I feel really great when I’m around him, and it would be lovely to have a nice safe person to have fun with during the cold winter child free nights. He fits the bill perfectly for that. My only challenge is not getting too attached and developing feelings, or maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I need to take my own advice and just think about things one day at a time instead of thinking about where things could go wrong in the future. Go a bit YOLO on this one and jump in fanny and feelings first and hope for the best.
As I write this I have just heard a massive crash on my garden fence and it has shit me up, I’ve been sitting with my phone poised to dial 999 for about 3 minutes, I was too scared to look out the window but I’m telling myself that it was a fox. It reminded me that Jamie was really surprised that I don’t sleep with a knife by my bed, and now I really am thinking of putting a knife by my bed, but in my life that has never once occurred to me to think that I would need a weapon in my bed and I feel really annoyed that I now feel like I have to. Anyway, weapons aside, I’m happy, I’m enjoying what we’ve got right now. I don’t need to speak to him everyday and I don’t care that our messages are dry as fuck, I love being with him and when I’m not with him I’m not stressing about him. It’s rare for me to feel this way so I’m just going to chill and see what the next blog post holds.