a virgin


I haven’t blogged for 3 months and I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m apologising actually, it literally doesn’t impact on your life in any way, but I have felt sort of bad about it. The truth is that my life hasn’t really been blog worthy, I have had a very lovely, but not very man filled, summer. I had a couple of dates with a guy around June that I spoke about on my Insta stories but I didn’t feel compelled to blog about him because it was all just kind of dull. I’ll give you a quick synopsis though – met him on Bumble – he looked great on paper, literally ticked every box, the conversation was basic but he was very good at compliments – almost too good, he literally liked every single one of my Insta posts going back 6 months and he’d screen shot and send them to me on whatsapp with captions like ‘Wow, your hair looks incredible’. The dates were much like that also, the conversation was dominated by constant compliments about every single thing about me from my eyebrows to my toe nails. He was clear from day one that he was looking for marriage and children in the near future. He’s in his thirties, business owner, no kids, the perfect guy – on paper.

But I am really not sure if I want all that. I have one son and I thoroughly love being his Mum, but I find it pretty draining a lot of the time and I find it easier to cope with because I get a break every fortnight. If you’d have asked me on the day that I conceived my son, would his Dad be an amazing, hands on Father, I would have put money on him being the best Dad that ever lived. We were together for 5 years, lived together, trying for a baby, I thought I knew him well, but he pretty much ghosted me when I was 6 weeks pregnant and didn’t return until my son was 2. I never signed up to be a single Mum and I have sometimes found it hard to cope. I don’t want to risk it again. He’s going to be 7 soon and I’m really enjoying him, I don’t feel like I have the space or energy to give to another child, because you really have to give them a lot. I love children, but it is actually beneficial to the planet for people to just have one kid, so I’m doing the earth a favour. My ideal situation would be meeting a man who had a child who was a similar age to mine and blending our families in some way.

So yeah, I was kind of put off by the pressure I felt from him to produce babies immediately but part of me was thinking ‘Maybe I should settle down with a man who seems to think that the sun shines out of my arse, live a comfortable life and just be a Mum and a wife’ so I had a couple of dates with him, which culminated in me inviting him to my house after the Insta Live one Friday. My son was at a sleepover and I wanted to make the most of my rare child free Friday. I have been celibate since the 23rd of November 2016 (I got it wrong on my Insta story) and I have rarely missed sex. I have written off every man I have met in that time because I have seen red flags from early, and unlike normal, I have acted upon them. I haven’t wanted to have sex with any of them. I have even sat and wondered whether I might be a lesbian or asexual a few times, because my sexual desire for men has just been zero. Until recently that is, recently I have been feeling incredibly like I just need to get banged.

I just realised that I felt really awkward writing that, I thought about deleting it in case people thought it sounded slutty, and then I thought, fuck any people who think that. Isn’t it fucked up that those beliefs make me worried about people thinking I’m a slag for having baseline sexual desires. Fuck that line of thinking. Sex is a wonderful thing (with the right person) and sex is a big part of our human experience, it has been seriously good for me to cut it out of my life, but I have been feeling like I have learnt what I needed to learn from it and I have felt ready to let down my guard a bit. I guess I would have been up for something happening when he came over. However, when he did come over, he was wearing a black t-shirt with bright orange flame looking patterns across the chest and shoulders, like something that a Yardie dancehall King would wear to a dance. He paired that with grey tracksuit bottoms – but these were like the least sexy ones ever. It’s quite a mean feat to make grey sweats look unsexy, but he did. They were baggy but elasticated at the ankle and they were a very pale, almost yellowy grey.  They looked like PE bottoms, like they should have been paired with plimsolls. He had on black Huraches, which actually did look a lot like plimsolls. And he hadn’t had a trim.

I dunno, I was just instantly like ICK. I felt like I couldn’t look him in the eye. We chatted for a bit and watched Power together, he was kissing the top of my head, which should have been romantic, but all I could focus on was the noises. He was inhaling my hair like ‘hhhhhhffffffwaaaaaaa’ I could hear all the breaths, and when he kissed my head top it was just cringingly squeaky. Literally imagine the worst sound a kiss could make, that was it. Constantly. I was just laying there icking the fuck out. I sat up and he kissed me, and I found it unbearable. I had to pull away and say I felt sick, then I had to awkwardly explain that he hadn’t made me feel sick, that maybe I had drunk too much. I basically asked him to leave, he was cool with it and he agreed that I looked a bit green. I text him the next day and told him that I didn’t think it could go anywhere as I wasn’t looking for the same as him. And that was that.

You might also remember that I was semi-excited because I gave my number to 3 people at Garage Nation Festival, I thought that I could get at least a first date out of one of them. But alas no. They were all dull as fuck in their own special ways. No banter, ghosting mid conversation, talking sexually too soon, the same old 2018 dating malarkey that we’re all experiencing out here. I haven’t spoken to any of them since about a week after Garage Nation. So obviously I went to 51st State Festival last Saturday with high hopes. As sad as it sounds, I don’t get out much, so any time that I am going OUT OUT I see as not only an opportunity to have a great time with my friends, but it’s also a rare chance to meet a new partner in crime. I’m fully ready. So yeah, 51st State was to be my next big adventure.

51st State Festival is basically a middle aged festival. Everyone is over 30 and it feels like everyone knows each other. It’s like one big North London reunion. I always have fun. I made an effort and I actually felt like I looked good. I was super happy with my outfit, which was lucky because I had ordered a load of unitards online that made me look like a wrestler and the experience kind of knocked my confidence. As we were walking in, a woman started shouting compliments at me, telling me my bum, tits and legs looked amazing, she was shouting ‘WOAHHH work it you sexy beast’ and I have never been so happy. I love a compliment from a woman, if a man had been shouting that I would have been offended (they did, and I was). Basically, I got a lot of love for my outfit and it gassed me up a bit and made me more confident about speaking to people. My problem with meeting guys when I’m out is that I always used to do this thing where I would try to make them think I didn’t like them. I’d spot a hot guy and give him no signals at all, apart from looking away every time he looked at me, and then I’d get surprised when he didn’t come and talk to me. It’s hard to break that pattern. But I did on Saturday.

My run of good luck started early on. We were in the queue and loads of girls started getting excited because there was a guy on the other side of the barrier who looked exactly like Reuben Loftus-Cheek, everyone was in agreement that he was fantastic, but I had this feeling that I had met him before and that he was a bit dim, I had no real memory of it though. Anyway, as soon as we got in, my mate needed to use the toilet, so I was stood by the porta-loos by myself. Mr Loftus Cheap was standing right next to me waiting for his friend and so I went up to him and told him that he looked familiar (this is a great ice-breaker by the way, even if they don’t look familiar just say it anyway). He said that I didn’t but that he’d like me to become familiar. I realised that I hadn’t spoken to him before, but funnily enough, he did seem quite dim. We established that he worked as a refuse collector and his name was Derek. No offence to anyone called Derek, but I feel like that name really lets him down. I just can’t imagine yelling Derek in the throes of passion. Despite all that, we exchanged numbers and I was pretty happy with the result.

It was super hot on Saturday, to the point where it actually killed off the entire festival vibe. I’ve never known the heat to affect a party so much, maybe it was because we’re all over 30, but a tune would come on and everybody would shout ‘yaaaay’ or whatever, and then just stand there. There was barely any dancing in the House or Garage tents until 7pm when the sun went down. It was boring. We had a great time though, especially after seven. We became exhausted around 5pm and went for a sit down on a bench. We were completely wasted and the sun was making it ten times worse. I found myself sitting next to a guy called Mark who was nice to look at and easy to talk to, I don’t remember much of the conversation other than that he’s got a daughter and he’s an estate agent, he also lives in Croydon, which I have said many times, is just too far. But anyway, I gave him my number.

At around 6.30 we were still by the benches, a few of our group were eating but I was in no mood for food so I was just sort of dancing around to no music while they ate. I noticed a tall, mixed race, curly haired, buff ting sitting alone on the grass smoking a fag and so with my new found confidence I went up and asked him why he had a jumper with him in 35 degree heat, he told me he’d brought it along so that I could sit on it and not get my dress dirty. He did well with that one and so I sat on his jumper. I found him really attractive, his name was Reece, he was 29 and from Enfield which is not too far from me. He’s got a decent job, and a child, and I felt really happy talking to him. He was equally as wasted as me and so we got on a nice vibe, I really enjoyed his company. After about 30 minutes I looked around and noticed that my friends had all gone, but I didn’t actually care that much. He was looking after me and we bonded in a festival induced connection. Story of my fucking life.

Anyway, eventually my friends returned and I went off to party, but we exchanged numbers and I was happy.  As we walked away from him, Becky said “Layla, he looks like he lives with his Mum in a hostel” I really did not get that vibe off him but Becky was saying that I was too high to judge. My friend Grace disagreed with Becky and said:

“Babe, I feel like at this time in your life that it really doesn’t matter what he looks like, you just need to get some. There is going to come a time when you need ten tons of lube to get you wet and you are currently sitting around wasting your prime sex years. You’ve done amazingly well but it’s been long enough now. Let go and get yourself some dick”

And that speech really did effect how the rest of my night went. She’s been saying this to me for a while, but at that moment it really sank in. We spent the rest of our night in the Back to 95 tent listening to DT and PSG who MC’d for literally 12 hours straight, I love them but once you’ve heard ‘DT on the ones and twos, he’s doing it just for you’ for the 87th time it does get a bit draining, so we did have regular walking around breaks. On one of our little strolls I walked past an extremely handsome guy and we did that whole looking back at each other as we walk away thing. Nearly every time that has ever happened to me I have just continued walking and then regretted it immediately and kicked myself for not having the balls to stop. But this time I shouted ‘Oi, I want your number’. We didn’t even really speak, I just gave him (Justin) my number and a little peck and walked off. It was a bit weird to be honest but I quite enjoyed the mystery of it.

The festival ended at 10pm. I was overjoyed with my successes, 4 new options was a good result. It was really sort of 5 because I also followed one guy on insta but it turns out he’s married so the whole thing doesn’t count. Anyway, there had been a big group of us at the start of the day, but at the end it was just me and Becky. It was our one year friendship anniversary in fact. We were on the guestlist for an after party at Scala but we just didn’t fancy it at all. We decided to go back to mine and come down from the high of the day in a comfortable clean place. The first person to get in touch was Justin. He text and then rang me to see what I was doing, he had a nice voice, very cockney but sexy. He wanted to know where the after party was but I told him there was none. I didn’t want to meet up with him, he was a total stranger.

Then I got a text from Reece saying ‘I can’t stop thinking about you, you were the highlight of my day’ and of course I was like ‘OMG me tooooo, what are you doing right now?’ Becky was shaking her head, she reminded me that he looks like he lives with his Mum in a hostel. I was devastated by this and I spent a long time explaining to her what a great guy he was and how I knew him really well because I had sat with him for an hour and he had such a good vibe.  Becky just rolled her eyes. We got back to mine and danced around my front room and talked about everything that had happened that day, like Becky getting rammed into from behind by a drunk man on a disability scooter, it was awkward as fuck.  Our friend Katie had been had a weird birthday dinner where she didn’t know anyone but the birthday girl, they went to a club after and she had to spend the night dancing in a circle with 6 girls she didn’t know singing along to Afro Beats and Pop classics, so when we told her we were at mine having an after party she jumped in a cab to join us.

By this time, Derek had also sent me a text message. All three of them text me you know, not even whatsapp, I found that weird so I replied to them all in whatsapp. I could tell from the off that Derek was not going to be the one. He was all ‘WYD Babez’ and ‘Kl kl’ to my replies. That encounter stopped mid-conversation and so Derek has already bitten the dust. Reece also asked what I was doing and was suggesting meeting up, I said that he could maybe come to mine but I’d have to ask my friends. Becky had met an amazing guy at the festival and she was stressing because three guys had already text me and her’s hadn’t text her. It made her panic. But I reminded her that the only reason my guys are texting me is because they’re looking for someone to have sex with after the festival. It’s not a good thing, the fact that her guy is waiting is.

I asked Becky if she would be OK with Reece joining us or if it would freak her out and she said “I don’t know, what if he just sits on the sofa and says ‘You alright?'” I promised her that he wouldn’t do that. I phoned Katie and told her the story and asked if it would bother her if he came, and she said “I don’t know love, is he going to freak us out if he just walks in and sits on the sofa and says You alright?” And I was like WTF! Why does everyone think he’s going to walk in and sit on the sofa and say ‘You alright?’ and what is so bad about that anyway? Anyway, I was completely in two minds about it. A strong part of me was saying ‘No, be sensible, end the party early, don’t stay up until the birds are tweeting to remind you that you made some bad decisions. Don’t give up your celibacy for some guy because you’re carried away with the loved up festival vibes. Get in your clean bed, alone, or with one of your friends and wake up feeling great’. But an even stronger part was saying ‘You’re never child free for this long, and soon your vagina is going to dry up, and this is the perfect opportunity, and he’s lovely so nothing can go wrong, and you’re only young once and you don’t want to look back when you’re 60 and say why the fuck did you waste your youth like that’. And that part won.

I called him and said “I’d really like you to join our little party, but you can’t bring any friends and I want you to know that nobody is going to be having any sex with you, and also if it feels awkward please just leave” He was fine with all that and about an hour later he arrived. He walked in and sat down on a chair and said “You alright?” but nobody seemed to mind and he quickly fitted in with our banter. He was sweet. I found him very attractive, although not so much from the front – mainly from the side. He was very oily and it made him look like he was severely over-heating. I was getting a bit worried about him at times. He was quite quiet, and all three of us are quite loud, but he got involved with the conversation as and when he needed to.

There was one red flag though, he said that he had no social media except for Snapchat. As soon as he said that I called him out on it and said ‘You’ve got a girlfriend’. Becky and Katie were apologising on my behalf and telling me to stop being over the top. A little while later he started talking about an incredibly funny female host/comedian called Very Vee Brown (@veryveebrown) and I instantly thought ‘Hmmmmm, she became known because of Instagram’ I found it a bit fishy but I waited until he went to the toilet to raise it. “He says he doesn’t have Insta but he knows about @veryveebrown HE’S got a fucking GIRLFRIEND”. Katie and Becky said that he really didn’t seem the type, and they were right, he was very sweet and he seemed genuine, but they always do, that’s how they manage to fool us. I put it to one side though, there wasn’t any concrete evidence and I didn’t want to ruin the vibe by asking to go through his phone so I just left it.

We ended up cleaning out my entire alcohol cupboard so by the time the girls left at 6.30am we were not in a particularly great state. We had both been raving since 2pm the day before and neither of us had eaten for 22 hours. I felt gross but I wanted him to sleep over and cuddle me. I was sort of thinking about sex, but I was too exhausted to be horny. We went into my bedroom and he pulled me on the bed to kiss me but I felt grimy and I needed to shower before getting into my bed. he tried to persuade me not to and he refused when I offered for him to have a shower. He said he didn’t feel comfortable showering at other people’s houses. I found that a bit weird, you want to sleep in my bed but you feel weird to shower. I was also put off by the fact that he wasn’t clean, but he didn’t smell or anything so I overlooked it.

I came out of the shower but didn’t let him see me until I had my pyjamas on. I made no effort whatsoever, I put on a pair of old grey leggings, inside out, with a big baggy faded t-shirt. We lay next to each other and began kissing quickly. It was nice. I needed a good kiss and cuddle, I would have been happy to leave it at that but he was rubbing his erect willy against my thigh. I wasn’t especially turned on by this, I sort of wanted it to stay away from me, I pulled away from his kisses and looked in his eyes and said “Have you ever had herpes?” He wasn’t expecting that to be honest, he looked quite freaked, he said “NO, Have YOU?”. I explained that I hadn’t but that his willy rubbing on me was making me paranoid. He said he’d never had anything and I said “We should get a condom out just in case”. I sealed my fate at that point, I couldn’t turn back now (well I could, because you always can. You are free to withdraw your consent at any point, but I guess I didn’t want to). I asked him to take his t-shirt off but he refused. He was naked apart from a t-shirt, which as far as I am concerned, is one of THE worst looks a man can rock. A woman in a t-shirt and no knickers looks hot, a man looks like a sex offender. I wondered why he didn’t want to take it off, was he embarrassed about his body, did he have a tattoo of his girlfriend’s face on his chest, three nipples?? It was odd.

I had told him earlier in the night, when we went for a 5am petrol station stock up, that I hadn’t had sex in nearly 2 years and he said “Cool, did you enjoy the festival though?” I mentioned it again a few minutes later in case he hadn’t heard me, and he equally skirted over my big announcement, I felt like he was thinking that I was chatting complete and utter shit, trying to make myself sound like some innocent virgin who brings men back from festivals to cuddle. Little did he know, that’s the truth. Anyway, as I was saying, by this point I was kind of committed. I had Grace’s words ringing in my ears. Becky and Katie had been doing some pep talking too so I was relaxed and ready to go with the flow. But first I had to turn the light on to check that my condoms hadn’t expired. Luckily they were OK so I got back in the bed.

We had some mild foreplay and I sat up and looked at his willy. It was quite interesting. He was tall so I thought he would have a long thin one, but it was about 6 inches and thin at the bottom with a massive head at the top. Like MASSIVE. It was like the head of one really fat dick had been chopped off and plonked on his little thin dick. I feel like maybe it gave him some confidence issues because he looked longingly into my eyes as I looked at it, he looked a bit worried. I didn’t give him a blow job but I touched it while telling him how sexy his willy was. I wanted to make him feel good. Anyway, the sex happened. There were no fireworks, it was nice, it felt good, but it really wasn’t fantastic. Nor did I expect it to be under those circumstances. It was just OK. He kept going soft because of all the alcohol and what not but he managed to keep going long enough to cum. Approximately 4 minutes. I did not cum. But I was happy for it to be over because he was sweating profusely and I was worrying that he was going to have a heart attack. It was a bit of an anti-climax.

We fell asleep and I woke up around 11am, desperate for a poo. My house is really echoey and there was no way I was going to risk him hearing my poo splashes, even though I had no intention of seeing him again I still didn’t want his lasting memory of me to be that. It was a nightmare. He finally woke up at 2. By which point I was close to having a stroke from having to hold the farts in. I just wanted him to go. I wanted to have a shower and change my sheets, clean my house and eat. He didn’t leave until 3.30pm and I was so happy when he went. Now it’s Tuesday night, and he hasn’t been in touch. I didn’t want him to get in touch (but still I’m a  bit like, erm bruv – did you not want to get in touch with me??), it happened, and I guess it’ll be my first proper one night stand. I needed it, I got it, and it was a reminder that this is not what I am looking for. Dick alone is not what I needed. It’s the whole shebang. I don’t regret it. It wasn’t horrendous. It is what it is.

So out of my 4 numbers, Derek and Reece have gone, Mark hasn’t even messaged, and Justin ….well I don’t fucking know. If I’d have posted this yesterday I would have been saying that the conversation was going VERY well. Great banter, nice guy, no obvious girls on his Insta, showing great signs. We had even arranged to have lunch next Sunday. However, we were conversing last night and the last thing I said was “I can hear fox cubs playing in my garden, they’re noisy AF”. He didn’t read it until lunch time today, and he’s left me on blue ticks since then BUT he has been watching my Insta stories…… I don’t even know what to say. Maybe he has a phobia of foxes, maybe he’s been paralysed and can’t text back, maybe he’s so overwhelmed by what a catch I am that he’s fainted. I don’t really know and I don’t really care. If he was meant to be he would have been. So it’s back to square one…..but with a clearer vision of what I want.

Thank you for being so patient with me, I won’t leave it so long next time……..