This Cannot Be The Only Option


If you follow my Instagram you may have seen me post the above meme with the following caption:

Arghhhhh, I am actually feeling a little bit frustrated of late. I don’t NEED a man, I’m totally fine without one, but I am so in the mood for a chill buddy. I want my back stroked and my hair played with, I want intimacy and flirtation. It’s been 17 months since I was last with anyone that got past one date. It’s getting a bit played out now. But my problem is this, I believe in the law of attraction, I think the universe will send you the right people at the right time and so you don’t have to go out of your way searching for love, it will find you. But I also understand that in order to manifest your desires you have to take action. You’re not going to become a millionaire by sitting at home on benefits unless you take action, even just buying lottery tickets is a small enough action, the same goes for relationships. You’re not going to meet a man sitting in your house unless you start ordering loads of pizzas or have a problem with your plumbing, so you kinda have to take action and get out there. Except this meme is an accurate visual representation of how I behave when I do get out there. At festivals I’m great, I am happy and friendly to everyone, but in bars I’m like it’s too loud, or its too packed, or ewwww why is this imbecile trying to talk to me. I always regret not staying at home. But I can’t hibernate for 8 months and only have a 4 month window during festival season when I can meet people. It makes winter very hard. It’s driven me to Tinder, which is literally soul destroying to the point where I’m about to write ANOTHER blog about how weird online dating is. I need to sort my life out, again ๐Ÿคจ’

So here is another blog about how weird online dating is. I have written about it in several blogs, but yet I find myself ending up back on Tinder every time I go through an extended dry period and get in the mood for some flirtation. For me it’s always Tinder, you need Facebook to use Bumble (which I don’t have), Plenty Of Fish is actually scary (I wrote a whole blog about the madness that is POF( Plenty Of Freaks, Fakes, and Fuckboys) ), and I am just not willing to pay for a dating site, I have had so many stories in my DMs from women who have met married men on, why would I pay to meet fuckboys? It’s not happening. So Tinder is the only option for me when it comes to online dating. And I sort of have to online date, because whilst I’m in no great rush to find love (although speak to me around my period and I’ll be saying the opposite), you do have to remember that I am a dating blogger and so I do have to make sure I’ve got something to write about. I’m selflessly pimping myself out for your entertainment girls. But also, I haven’t been on a proper date with a new man for absolutely ages and I want to go on one. I need some excitement.

I seem to have a Tinder pattern. I’ll download it, start using it for about 2 weeks, feel completely deflated and disgusted by the whole thing, feel like shit for having my picture on show to all those idiots, delete it for 6 months and then return. This time around I haven’t stuck to my usual pattern, I have been using it way more consistently, although when I say using it, I’ll scroll every few days. When I do scroll though, I find myself getting stuck in this monotonous zone, constantly swiping left (which means you’ve seen their profile and you’re not interested) past, what feels like, hundreds of men. Men who, despite being in my 30 – 39 age bracket, look like they are in their late 40’s and have lived really hard lives, there are just so many men who clearly do not have a clue how to present themselves in their best light.

I have quite a specific type and so a lot of scrolling has to be done before I find someone who I want to swipe right for. The problem with that is that your finger is so programmed to swipe left that it’s easy to accidentally scroll past a hot one, and when you do you can never get them back. It’s really sad when that happens. So that’s the first challenge with Tinder, actually finding people who you find attractive, the second challenge is actually getting them to match you back, I’d say about 75% of them do, but it’s happened to me several times where I have found a man who I REALLY like the look of and been deeply disappointed when he hasn’t matched me back. I still remember the faces of those men. But getting a match is only the beginning of the long Tinder assault course, there are many annoying levels to reach before you get to the date stage.

Sometimes a guy I’ve matched will message me and I’ll check out his picture again before replying and I will be horrified by what I see before me, like, what was I thinking? Had I just got so sick of scrolling past men that look like Pat from Eastenders that I got carried away by the first semi decent man that had graced my screen in an hour? Too much Tindering can drive you a bit mad. But that’s not as maddening as getting a match with a certified attractive one and him not sending a message, or even worse, not replying to a message I’ve sent him. Why did you match me bro??? WHY? Sadly a lot of the time it’s because they are on Tinder for an ego stroke. A lot of men with girlfriends do that, they have a row with the Mrs and download Tinder as a kind of secret ‘Fuck you’. It makes them feel a bit better to be validated by other women but they have no intention of talking. Or maybe they felt the same way about me as I did about those gargoyles that I matched with after scrolling past 500 elderly looking bald men called Paul, maybe I was a desperation match.

So if you can get past all of that to the point where you actually start exchanging messages with a man who seems decent, then you have a whole load of other stuff to deal with. Like, do you actually get on and is he who he says he is? There are so many catfishes online, someone once used my pictures and made a POF profile and I have seen several people I know being catfished too, good looking men, so I know they are getting a lot of matches with their fake pictures. I always ask to see a match’s social media fairly early on, it’s the best way to establish whether he is a catfish and whether he has a girlfriend, and also what kind of person he is. What somebody shares says a lot about them, it also gives you the opportunity to verify whether you fancy them properly or whether they just chose 3 deceptively superb pictures for Tinder .

I’ve said this a hundred times, and I’ll probably keep saying it, EVERYONE has social media. It’s 2018. My Nan has Facebook. If you have Tinder on your phone yet you claim to have NO other social media (except for Snapchat, they’ve often got that, they like the disappearing conversation threads) then you are a weirdo. This time around, literally 98% of men I have spoken to have told me they’ve got no social media, they all use the same excuses, that they are too old for it, or they just don’t like everybody knowing their business. Social media is quite a big and important thing in my life, and I am sure that maybe 1% of the men who claim to have no social media are telling the truth, I am just not sure that I would have much in common with those men so for me, no social media is a big one on all fronts, but mainly because they’ve probably got a partner.

A lot of my conversations end pretty quickly with men on Tinder. Here is an example of one of them, we had spoken a bit and exchanged pleasantries, discussed what we do for a living, where we live, etc, and then next came this :

Me: What’s your Insta? I want to see more pictures of you…

Daniel: I don’t have Insta, or FB, only use whatsapp. What’s your number?

Me: I prefer to wait before giving out my number until I am sure that we get along, we’ve hardly spoken! I don’t even know how you have your steak yet, that could be a deal breaker.

Daniel: Why are you scared of giving your number out? If we don’t get along just say goodbye, I’m not going to stalk you….I like it medium.

Me: Cool, you passed the steak test, I think people who have their steak well done are psychopaths. I’m not scared of giving my number out, I would just prefer to stick to talking on here before doing so, especially as you don’t have social media.

Daniel: Your insecurities are ridiculous, I’m not asking for your address

Me: My insecurities? I am not insecure, I am a woman, and I am sure you are aware that online dating is a potentially dangerous place for women. It is sensible to be cautious about who you speak to and what information you give them. I hope that if you ever have a daughter you will teach her to not hand out her phone number willy nilly to men who she has been speaking to for 5 minutes

Daniel: I do have a daughter and she is going to be far too beautiful and intelligent to be searching for love online

Me: OHHHHHH so now I am glad that I didn’t give you my number because you are an absolute prick. To imply that I am ugly and stupid because I am online dating says more about you than me. You are online looking for women to spend your time and energy on and you don’t even consider them to be worthy. That is scummy. And I am beautiful, and intelligent thank you very much. I wish your daughter the best, the poor girl is being raised by a moron.

Daniel: You are beautiful, I matched you because I thought wow, you are beautiful and older, more mature (the man is fucking 32) but you are just childish.

Me: Yeah, well I matched you despite the fact that you look like Danny Devito in all your pictures, you might want to think about deleting the picture where you’re standing next to your tall friends.

Daniel: I’m 6ft 2″

Me: Ok well your friends are giants then

And that was that. Romeo done. The statement he made about his daughter being too good for online dating really says it all, and sadly, that is the truth for a lot of men online. They aren’t looking for wives, they are looking for mistresses. A lot of them think that Tinder is a hook up site and that women on there are slags. Even though that doesn’t apply to every man, it applies to a lot and so it is very important to establish their intentions and views early on. An example of that is Alex, again, we had already discussed pleasantries, small talk etc, he doesn’t have any social media either by the way – he said he had Instagram but he hardly used it and there’s only 3 pictures on there so he won’t share it:

Alex: You are so gorgeous, I can’t believe we matched. When are you free to meet up?

Me: I’d like to know a bit more about you before we arrange a date. How come you are on Tinder

Alex: I was wondering the same thing about you, you are so sexy, your eyes…..mannnn

Alex: What are you looking for?

Me: I am not looking for anything casual, I’d like to find someone who I like hanging out with. How about you?

Alex: I would definitely like to hang out with you but I am not looking for a relationship. I want intimacy and friendship, someone to spend time with, laugh with, and have some freaky, amazing sex

Me: That’s a relationship

Alex: You don’t have to be in a relationship to have that

Me: Well I do because if I am having great sex with someone I don’t want them having great sex with anyone else

Alex: Oh yeah definitely, if I am sleeping with someone I wouldn’t be sleeping with anybody else

Me: So why not call it a relationship? Anyway, that’s not what I am looking for, I want to meet someone who is open to having a relationship.

Alex: Can I be real? All I really want to do is eat your pussy, suck on it and get my face all in it

Me: You thought that would entice me out of not wanting casual? Bye Alex

Alex: Get your clit throbbing while I gently suck on it, push 2 fingers deep inside you while you grind on my face, your wetness all over me, dripping down my throat.

Blocked. Although that did sound quite nice if I’m honest. I’m just not looking for some random vulva licking online, don’t get me wrong, there may come a time when I engage in that, but right now in my life I need something deeper than a horny oral sex fetishist/borderline sex offender. I could go on and on with examples of creepy sexual messages, or incredibly boring conversations, or of conversations where the guy has just ghosted mid-chat, or where they talk like they’ve got something wrong with them – ‘U cool babez? hpe youre day is gud. What ends are you from hun x’. It is soul destroying. I deleted Tinder after my conversation with Alex, and also because I completed it. I literally completed Tinder which I did not think was possible. I had rejected every man within a 10 mile radius of me, and the only available ones left were cunnilingus maniacs, I’d had enough.

I was off it for about 10 days, but within the space of three days last week, three different friends separately told me the following information, one had just come back from a baby shower where the couple met on Tinder, one told me that a girl at her work had just got engaged to a man she met on Tinder, and the third showed me a picture of an incredibly hot man she was dating from Tinder, and so all of a sudden I felt like maybe it was a good idea to reinstall Tinder again. The Universe might be telling me something, but no – I don’t know why I bothered. It is showing me the same exact men who I did not wish to match with last time I was on, I am just trawling through pictures of men I have seen already. Occasionally I’ll spot a fittie but not ONE of them has matched me. As per my usual pattern, the only ones I have received a match and a message from is one who looks like Shrek’s half brother (who I do not intend to reply to), and one who seemed OK until he told me that he can’t work at the moment because he’s a delivery driver and he’s currently on a driving ban. Next….

Apparently, by 2020, 60% of all new relationships will have started online so part of me feels like I need to ride out the online thing, despite the fact that I am bored and done with it, and the other part feels like I want to delete it for good and just make sure that I do more, get out more, not even man hunting just out. 40% of new relationships obviously won’t start online so there is hope. But it’s been a long cold winter and when you are a parent life can feel a bit like groundhog day. I’m in my house with my son for 13 nights out of every 14, occasionally friend’s will pop round, but normally I am alone. I like my own company and because I run the Insta and do the blog I’m always busy, but I would like to break the monotony. I want a man to call on every now and then for more than sex. Tinder is the easiest option, but I just don’t think I am going to meet him on Tinder. Tinder makes me feel a bit depressed, it makes me think that there is a real lack of good men out there, half of them are engaged and the other half are insane wastemen. The dating pool after 30 is like a cesspit if Tinder is anything to go by.

The Law Of Attraction would tell me to take my focus off it, talking about how shit Tinder is, or about the absence of a man and the void I am feeling makes those things greater. If I talk to my friend and say that I am feeling lonely, that being single is getting me down and that all men over 30 are fucked in the head, then not only am I vibrating a negative energy about my love life, but so is my friend. The Universe matches the vibration that you put out and so now there is a strong negative, pessimistic vibe going out there about men and it just exacerbates the situation in your mind and makes it an active feature in your life.

The best way to speak on this would be to say “I am feeling really happy to be single with literally not one person on my line because it means that I am totally open and ready to welcome in the right man. I am free to work on myself and to appreciate my own company. I am excited because I know that the Universe will match my vibration and bring me what I need when I am ready”. It is also important to then take your focus off your singleness as an issue at all, singleness is a blessing – it’s no better or worse than being in a couple; and to think about and focus on the things that are going well, even if nine things are going wrong in your life, there must be one thing that is going well. No matter how small that thing is, keep your focus on that and how that good thing makes you feel, put yourself in a positive state of mind by allowing yourself to feel happiness and contentment about one part of your life, it could be anything, your relationship with your Mum, your new sink, your academic achievements, something you did well at work, your incredible contour skills, anything. Just bottle the feelings that you get when you think of it and try to use that to keep you unconditionally happy. Stop waiting for conditions to change before you get happy, get happy now with what you have got. Be chilled, delete Tinder if it makes you feel bad vibes, keep it if you are having fun, but get out and enjoy life outside of wanting a man. Happiness opens doors and creates opportunities so do what you can to get happy and see how much everything improves for you. As I always say, listening to Abraham Hicks on Youtube always reminds me of the frame of mind I want to be in, and when I’m in that frame of mind Tinder does not destroy my soul. I am in happy mode today and it feels like it’s going to be a good summer, I am excited, I hope you feel like that too. I’ve totally uninstalled Tinder again after writing this blog, it wasn’t getting me anywhere, but I’m going to 6 festivals between May and September so I reckon I’ll have lots to write about soon and if I don’t I’ll jump back on Tinder in the winter ๐Ÿ˜‹

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