If you haven’t read the 3 part blog That Time When I lost My Mind, That Time When I Lost My Mind Part 2, and That Time When I Got My Mind Back (part 3), then you’ve got some reading to do before you return here, there is no point in reading this if you haven’t read those because nothing will make sense. But if you have and you’re ready to go then I’ll just give you a little re-cap in case it’s been a while. In August 2016 I met a man named Callum. He was everything I had been asking the Universe for. I found him because I helped a stranger and she mentioned me in her thank you comments along with another girl and something told me to look at the friend’s friend’s list and I instantly saw him. But when I sent him my opening message I told him that he came up on my suggested friends list, I didn’t think I’d sound very stable if I told him the Universe directed me to a friend’s page in return for helping a stranger and I was compelled to find his profile. Anyway, we met and there were red flags from the start, like he was homeless, sofa surfing at his daughter’s Mum’s house, depressed, and weirdly sexually dominant from the start, but I liked him so much that I over looked everything, and I enjoyed the weird sexual behaviour. He was sexy, funny, smart, and totally emotionally available. He made no attempt to hide his feelings for me. He was romantic and sweet and lovely, but he was also a bit fucked up from a traumatic upbringing and he sometimes said some pretty sinister things.
Anyway, I fell for him quite hard in a short time and in order to be able to see him I basically had to sponsor him. I paid for his travel, gave him food vouchers, paid for all our activities, put money in his bank account. I adopted a wasteman. The thing for me though, was that he wasn’t a permanent a wasteman. I saw so much potential in him and I convinced myself that I understood his situation and I was certain that he would be back on his feet soon, so whilst my friend’s were like WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I was all ‘You just don’t understand, you don’t know him like I do’. He made me feel amazing and I didn’t care about anything else. I wanted him, by any means necessary.
After seeing each other for a few weeks, with everything going very well, Callum’s behaviour just suddenly changed. I kept getting left on blue ticks while he was still online, ignored for 24 hours sometimes. Or he’d tell me he might come round later and that he’d let me know and then never get back to me while posting on his Insta stories that he was bored. I raised the issue and gave him a chance to change, he didn’t. So during a discussion about it one day I said ‘We are obviously both seeing other people’ which wasn’t true on my part, I was just trying to get him to admit that as being the reason why he had changed. Anyway, it all got completely fucked up after that, but we dragged it out for a couple of months longer in this weird hate/love scenario and he was a real dick. It ended completely on my birthday in November 2016. I have been celibate since that day. He changed everything for me. He was the ultimate narcissistic wasteman and I was done, not just with him, but with all the fuckboy bullshit. And so Lalaletmeexplain was born.
So for 18 months I never once pined for him, I thought about him occasionally, and occasionally I reminisced and felt a bit sad that it never worked out, because when he was at his best he was amazing, everything I could want in a man, but when he was at his worst he was terrible, and I don’t think I ever even saw his absolute worst. But I had no intention of ever having so much as a conversation with him again, he was a closed chapter as far as I was concerned. I could see why the Universe had brought him to me and he had served his purpose but we were done, so I couldn’t understand why the Universe sent me a follow request on my personal Insta from him last week. My stomach flipped as soon as I saw it, I was surprised by my feelings. His page is open and so I had a good look before I decided whether to accept him or not. He looked awesome, and it looked as though he had got his shit together (although his Insta always looked like he had his shit together even when he didn’t), but I was intrigued and so I accepted and then DM’d him asking whether he had meant to send me the request, he said he had, I asked why and he said that I came up as one of his suggested friends and he thought why not. I said “That is how this all started”.
He asked if I wanted him to piss off and I told him that he was not someone who I had intended to start talking to again and he said “Well I never said anything about talking, but OK, hope you’re well” and we got into a conversation about how we both were and how our kids were. He told me about how different his life was now. He’s achieved the job he wanted and he’s become a partner in his friend’s pastry business (the friend who he took the fucking glamour model to eat cream buns with, prick). I told him I was pleased for him. He told me he was glad I was well and wished me the best and I wished him the same, and that was it. Except it wasn’t, because now I was thinking about him. Not constantly, but he kept popping in to mind and I wondered if I had been a bit too quick to dismiss him. So after months of not posting on my personal Insta stories or page I suddenly became active again. I posted a hot selfie and was disappointed when he didn’t like it, I still didn’t want to pursue contact with him though, but I wanted his attention. I was pleased when yesterday he finally replied to one of my Insta stories and it led to another DM exchange, he said:
“I’ve missed you ya know. I don’t know what your perception was but I was in an awful place, coming home to my cousin’s house to cat shit all over my bed like, every day, sometimes having to sleep in the garden when he locked the double lock and went out for the night. I was just FUCKED, and I felt completely worthless and HAD to focus on myself with no distractions. I was a lot less patient with you than I normally would be with someone, and from the bottom of my heart I apologise for how things went”
And so a long, long, discussion started around what happened, from both of our perspectives. I had read all three blogs the day before and so I was fully refreshed on the entire situation from my perspective and so we moved from the DMs to a 3 hour long phone call where I addressed EVERY single point from the relationship with him. He humbly admitted to pretty much everything, except he outright denied anything involving any other women. He said that he never touched Alice (the UKIP Insta weirdo) and that she was lying. I didn’t believe him. And he said that nothing ever happened with him and the glamour model, he had invited her round for pastries so that she could promote his friend’s business on her Instagram, the WCW cartoon that looked EXACTLY like her, down to the clothes, was just a big coincidence. But he acknowledged the rest and we both admitted how strong our feelings had been. Our conversation wasn’t just about what happened though, we flirted and laughed, and I remembered how much I had liked the sound of his deep voice. So at the end of the conversation I suggested that he comes over here one evening, and he told me that he would love to buy or make me dinner, and I thought that sounded nice. He was wearing a grey tracksuit in his whatsapp DP, so after the conversation ended I stared at his visible dick print again and started wondering whether it would really be so bad to give him another chance. I wanted to see how things were now that he wasn’t depressed and homeless. We agreed to meet the next night (tonight).
I woke up today feeling super anxious and I couldn’t stop thinking about him, he sent me a good morning text and part of me wanted to reply flirtatiously and the other part of me wanted to block him and run. I was walking around with a nervous energy all day, not knowing what I was getting myself into. I remembered exactly how shitty he had been the first time around but I feel like such a different person now, and I felt like he seemed to be different too. We exchanged a couple of Whatsapp’s and around lunchtime I typed out a whole message telling him that I had changed my mind and that I didn’t think it was a good idea to meet up tonight but I deleted it before sending. I did want to see him. But I didn’t. Arghhhhh, I just didn’t know. I put my dilemma out on my Insta stories and the Insta family went wild. I have never had so many DMs in my life. I still have over 200 unopened DMs, plus 67 message requests. I’m going to need a few hours to reply. But basically, you guys were highly enthusiastic about your views around whether you should give exes another chance, and opinion was quite evenly divided in terms of the messages I have read so far. Slightly more people are saying RUN, it’s never as good the second time around and he was such a piece of shit it’s just not worth it, but lots of you said that you would go for it but not rush in blindly.
A lot of people told me that mercury was in retrograde and so people will have been finding that exes have been popping up recently. The planet is going backwards and so it inspires some backwards movement on earth. The Universe brings particular people back at particular times and I always think that there is a reason for it, b ut the reason might be just to remind you how far you have come, so my belief is that you should try to remember exactly what happened with that person and ask yourself whether they would have the power to hurt you again. If the answer is yes then you shouldn’t go there. It’s not worth it. You have to go into things with exes with your eyes wide open and your legs tight shut, and you have to know that if it ends badly again that you’ll be able to shrug it off and walk away unscathed. If it’s going to send you into a downward, depressive spiral then it’s not worth the risk. You have to be in a strong place to talk to exes who have hurt you. But if you know that they can’t fuck with your harmony, then trust the Universe’s reasons for bring them back and hear what they have to say.
So anyway, as the day progressed and I thought more and more about how good his sex was, and how nice his willy was, and how much I had changed and how I wanted him to see that, I grew more and more keen on the idea of seeing him. We had both had a long day at work and I wanted to go to the gym after so I was happy for him to come to mine. I’ve moved and I’m proud of my little place so I kinda wanted him to come here for that reason, but mainly, I just didn’t have the time or the energy to go out to eat. He wanted to cook but I couldn’t deal with the length of it all and so he offered to get us a take away. The plan was in place, I agreed to meet him at the tube station near my house and had told him to let me know as his journey was progressing so I would know when to leave. I stayed for longer than I was meant to at the gym and so I was tight for time. I got a text from him saying he would be there in 30 minutes when I still had wet hair and no make up on. I was rushing around and I smashed a bottle of ‘The Ordinary’ face peel which is blood red and is in a glass bottle, so I had to clean it up because I was worried that it would stain my tiles.
He rang to say he was at the station, which is a 3 minute drive from my house, and I told him that I hadn’t left and asked if he wanted to jump on a bus instead of waiting for me and he aggressively said “No I do not want to jump on a bus. I told you when you had 30 minutes. I gave you ample time”. I explained about smashing the bottle and having to clean it up and he was huffing and puffing. He was clearly pissed off. I remembered how often he would be moody and angry before, this took me right back there. As I drove to him I was pissed off that he was pissed off. I pulled over when I spotted him, it was hard not to spot him, he’s 6ft 3 and he was wearing a giant black puffa jacket, it came past his knees, he looked like a cross between Arsene Wenger and Stefflon Don. His little skinny legs poked out in his little skinny jeans and I immediately got the ick.
He got into my car and I tried to let go of my annoyance but as we drove to mine I already knew it would be a long night. We ordered a take away soon after we got in, which, surprise surprise, I paid for. A friend of his was supposed to pay him back some money today but hadn’t and so I offered to foot the bill. I didn’t begrudge it, it wasn’t expensive and he was very thankful, but still. We chatted, mainly about him, and when we weren’t chatting he was just sat there on his phone, in fact, he was predominantly on his phone because there was a football match on that he was keeping track of and discussing in his group chat. Because I was frequently just sat there watching him use his phone I got a bit bored and I started putting on some youtube videos on my TV.
There is this video that I think is brilliant, it’s a guy Ninja from the band Die Antwoord talking about his mad day out with Drake and Kanye. My sister originally showed it to me and I thought it was funny and fascinating. The other day one of my best friend’s came over, it was the day after her daughter’s Father’s funeral. My friend had married her childhood sweetheart a few years ago, he was a lovely, sweet, wonderful man. But he loved to party and he didn’t know when to stop. He fell deep into the pits of addiction and their marriage ended because he became a different person. He was a crazy, abusive alcoholic. He sadly died in his late 30’s. His body couldn’t cope with the abuse. My friend has handled it so incredibly well, and so has her little girl. She has come to terms with his death because for the last few years he has really had no life. He was a shadow of his former self. I showed my friend the Die Antwoord video and she loved it, she laughed and then she burst into tears because she knew he would have loved the video, she remembered how much their humor was the same and how she doesn’t think she will ever meet anyone who just gets her like he did, or who she could share videos like this with and know that he would enjoy it. It’s like a niche humor I guess.
Anyway, I showed Callum the video and he just totally rubbished it, talked all the way through, didn’t listen, and said that he thought the guy was telling lies about Drake. I remembered back to my friend and her memories of the deep soul connection that she had with him and I just thought – I really do not have that with you, and the only reason I would pursue something with a wasteman fuckboy would be if deep down I was certain that he was my soul mate, and even then I would need him to fix up pretty quickly. I sat on the sofa next to him and I could smell his feet and the combination of my realisation that he was nothing like my soul mate and his cheesy feet just made me feel the ick tenfold, like urghhhhh. I did not fancy him one bit. I was searching his face to try to figure out what I had seen in him before but I couldn’t find it.
I decided to regale him with more youtube videos because by this point I didn’t feel like we had much left to talk about. I showed him the Chicken Shop Date series where a female comedian goes on dates with Grime artists, it’s mildly amusing, not incredible, but we both lol’d and he seemed to enjoy it. About an hour after we had eaten he started rubbing my neck as we sat on the sofa. It actually felt nice but I was not tempted in anyway to go there. He was using his phone again, this time to ask his brother to collect him from the station and I just blurted out that I didn’t think that what we had was still there. I said that the fact that he was pissed off about me being slightly late had started me off in a bad place and I hadn’t been able to come back from it. He told me that I was lucky he hadn’t walked away because he thinks lateness is rude and disrespectful and he didn’t understand why the bottle smashing had made me late because I should have been there waiting 10 minutes before – that’s what he does when he’s meeting people apparently. He said that usually, if someone is not there waiting when he arrives, he just turns back and heads home. I said:
“You see. You’re a self-important narcissist. Who does that to people? Walks away if they are not there, as though life can’t happen, bottles can’t smash, people must be waiting there for you regardless of what is going on or you will just abandon them? Do you not see how bad that is?”
I also told him that he had been on his phone all night, and that he was standing up for Drake way too much. He told me that he hated every video I had shown him but he didn’t want to say anything. I told him he was a dickhead for pretending to laugh along then. I told him that I didn’t feel any attraction and that I didn’t think we would ever be on the same page. I said :
“I am a different woman now but you are the same man with a different lifestyle”
He told me that I was being ridiculous about the Drake video, which I was a bit – but it had been a catalyst for me really thinking that there was nothing between us and so it felt important to me. He said it was just a difference of opinion. I told him that it reminded me of the time on my birthday that I tried to show him the amazing video of snakes trying to eat new born Lizards on Attenborough’s Planet Earth, it’s such an interesting video but he refused to watch it, he said it was just “everyday snake and lizard shit”. I said that it was just an example of his narcissistic character and that if someone shows you something that they like you don’t have to pretend to like it but you at least have to give them the respect to watch it. If your partner is enthusiastically trying to show you something then don’t be a prick, just watch it. He said that he would never pretend to be interested in watching something that didn’t interest him, even just out of respect and politeness for his partner, because politeness is “just a social construct and I don’t adhere to social norms”. I pulled up a page on google that described narcissistic behaviour and read it out to him. I spent about 20 minutes trying to convince him that he was a narcissist. I told him that all of his bullshit, accusing me of being a liar because I lied about how I found him on facebook, was a very narcisstic thing to do, when he knew full well that I had not told a weird or dangerous lie but he said again that it showed I was a dishonest person. As soon as I brought that up he started arguing it as a point again. Telling me that I did lie and that it would have been the same as him lying about his name or age. I explained how it was completely different and then I said “Everything you are saying is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard come out of an adult human’s mouth”.
We debated this, and everything else about our failed relationship, as we got in the car, him sitting there calling me a liar and me calling him a narcissist and in the end I just gave up being nice. I really could not be bothered to hear it and so I put on my current favourite track, Drake’s Nice For What (which is not only a remix of Lauryn Hill’s ex-factor but it’s also a major female empowerment tune and so I was completely in the mood for it) and I turned it up full blast and drowned out his talking. He was fucked off, he said it was disrespectful and rude that I would just turn up a song while he was speaking, and I said sorry, but I just love this, and I sang at the top of my voice and danced with a massive smile on my face. I dropped him to the station and we had a weird moment. Final goodbyes always make me sad, and for 0.5 seconds I wondered again if I had been too harsh. I asked him for a hug and he obliged, we held each other tight and then he went. He shut my door and waved and I blasted out Nice For What and drove home feeling like I had full closure. I don’t hate him, I never will, but it’s never going to work, we are not the same. I’m glad I took the chance though, I learnt again and I feel very empowered. I’m going to bed happy.