Say A Little And Say It Well

I’ve been struggling to start this blog because the person who it is about might actually read it. My blogs are always super honest and the truth can sometimes be hurtful, I really do not ever want to hurt anybody’s feelings as a result of my writing, but then I guess if someone wanted their story to be written positively then they should have behaved better. Still, I feel a little constricted by the thought that he could read this and so I hope that doesn’t effect the story.

I’ll start at the beginning. I met Aaron on Instagram in 2015. I do not remember who stumbled across who’s page or how either of us got there, all I remember is exchanging a flurry of likes between us and eventually ending up in the DMs. I am not very good at bowling because I have long manicured nails and I can’t put them through the holes, so I hold the ball with two hands and swing it back and forth between my legs while bending down and squatting, and then I just sort of throw the ball. A lot of people take the piss but I don’t care. I posted a video of my bowling skills on Insta, I got a strike and I looked hot, despite also looking ridiculous. That video was what sparked our DMs I believe, he then tagged me in a video of him bowling to show me how it’s meant to be done. Our banter was great, he was bright and funny, and really attractive, absolutely my cup of tea. Swaggy, very well built with a solid, athletic frame, tall, light eyes, nice curly hair. Just mmmmmmm.

For obvious reasons, we decided to arrange our first date at a Bowling Alley, he’s from West London and I’m from North, he came down to my area to a place called Rowans in Finsbury Park. If you live anywhere near there and you fancy having a night out then you should go there on a Friday or Saturday night, they play music which is a little bit like the kind of shit I play on the Insta live and you get the craziest mix of people, but everyone just parties and dances and gets along, it’s like being at a disco in Benidorm. The vibe is great, the man situation is not great, but there is definite fun to be had with your girls. Anyway, we went on a Tuesday so it was quiet, but we had a good time, the banter continued and I really fancied him in real life. He was way hotter than his pictures. I liked him but he definitely had a dark side to him, not dangerous, but dark. The type where sometimes he’d say something and I wasn’t sure if it was meant to be a joke, like something a bit piss takey, or rude. Sometimes he’d put me on the back foot and I was unsure of what he was thinking, then he’d say something really flirtatious and throw me back into feeling sure that he was interested again. In the main though, he was cool, and I was still at a stage in my life where I was overlooking red flags like that.

He walked me to my car after we left Rowans, and I don’t remember how we started kissing, but to this day I remember that kiss. I remember him putting his hands in my hair and backing me up against my car and just kissing the life out of me. It felt like something out of a film, it was so sexy. I felt sexy, he was making me feel like the most wanted woman on earth, it was all just a mad outburst of chemistry. I definitely wanted to see him again. We carried on talking, the conversation had become more sexual, but not just sexual, and we met up again soon after for our second date. This time we went to a cinema near his place to watch Fast and Furious 7, the one where Paul Walker dies. I picked him up from his place and I could tell that he was in a weird mood so I was trying to keep the conversation lively and upbeat. We arrived at the cinema about 15 minutes before the film started and we were the only people in the entire place. We were proper happy about this and he really cheered up, until about a minute before the film started when an entire family, and I mean like, Aunties, Uncles and Grandma’s too, all piled into the cinema and sat down in the seats directly in front of us. There were at least 150 spare seats so it was a bit weird, but Aaron was massively pissed off.

He expressed his feelings loudly, and I agreed with him, but he didn’t drop it, he allowed it to put him in a bad mood again. After sitting there with him for 2 hours, him stiff and pissed off, not holding hands or stroking legs, or any of the flirty things I was hoping to do in the cinema, the film drew to a close. Obviously the film is pretty emotional, I cry at adverts, so the levels of emotion I was feeling towards this film because of the fact that Paul Walker had actually really died were pretty high. I was really sobbing, tears streaming down my face, and I was clearly pissing him off. He was looking at me with disdain like, urghh fix up. I was being as quiet as I could, I wasn’t being dramatic about it, I was just genuinely upset and it was making him cringe. He told me that it was only a film, and through my sobs I whimpered “But he really died” and he said “But did you know him?”. It was quite humiliating to be honest. I was desperate to stop crying because he had made me feel stupid, but that was making me more weepy. It was hard to stop. I should have made it clear to him that it was far more shameful for him to have a lack of empathy than it was for me to be crying, but I didn’t, I allowed him to make me feel ashamed about my tears.

We left the cinema and had a quiet car journey back. I was now in that zone of feeling really worried that I had put him off. I was different back then, I had not learnt to control my need for reassurance or my fear of rejection. I did not love or value myself highly enough and I was very much in a place of thinking that I must not be good enough in some way because it kept not working out with men. So his treatment towards me didn’t make me run as it would now, it made me want him to snap out of his weird mood and start acting like he was before, when he was nice, and keen, and sweet with me. Anyway, despite his horrible behaviour, when he invited me to go back to his I said yes. It was a glimmer of hope that he wanted me again.

Aaron lived with his Great Uncle in a house owned by his Father who now lives in Jamaica. The story was that he was living there alone but his Uncle became elderly and so his Dad asked if he could move in and have a bit of support. His Dad owns the house and would soon be putting it in Aaron’s name apparently, so he was happy with his living situation. The house was very ‘Great Uncleish’ in it’s decor and it felt a bit awkward knowing that he was there, but still, we proceeded to Aaron’s bedroom. I don’t remember much of what happened next other than me standing up by a window while he went down on me. I vaguely remember us having sex, and me not having an orgasm. I remember feeling really awkward and regretful after. I had got carried away because he licked my vagina and because he was finally showing me positive attention again. I don’t remember how I left but I imagine it was pretty awkward and swift. I drove home feeling like shit.

I remember wanting to punch myself as I played back the scenario in my mind, I knew I should have left straight after the cinema but I didn’t, I knew I shouldn’t have had sex with him but I did, and I didn’t even cum. It wasn’t totally shit, I mean, some bits felt good, but it wasn’t the safe, passionate, chemistry fuelled experience that I imagined we would have had after our first kiss against the car. It was like I had gone into robotic mode, just going along with everything when really I should have been totally put off by his behaviour in the cinema. How dare he behave like that!? I would run a mile if a man did that now. I don’t remember much about what happened after that, but we didn’t see each other again and I blocked him on everything except Snapchat and pretty much forgot about him. In fact, I’ll be honest, until I just sat down and wrote that all out I genuinely had forgotten the majority of that tale. I had certainly forgotten how much of a shit he had been and how awful I had felt, and so when he randomly replied to one of my Snap stories flirtatiously about 10 months later, I was bored and horny and so I entertained a bit of Snap flirting.

After that Aaron and I sort of became very sporadic snapchat sexting buddies, it wasn’t even proper sexting, it was like mild sexting. When I didn’t have anyone to drunk text I would flirt with him. Whenever I posted a snap of me looking decent he would pop up, which is actually not very often. Basically we would speak every few months or so, up until present day. I started the blog and Instagram in February 2017, I am anonymous and I would like to stay anonymous for the sake of my Son and a variety of other reasons and so very few people in my real life know anything about any of this. I wasn’t very savvy back then though, and so when I first started the Insta I set it up on my personal phone and people in my contacts got an Insta notification saying that someone in their contacts has joined Instagram. Lalaletme came up as someone they might know. I was alerted to this when Aaron messaged me and said “I’ve just read these blogs, it’s you isn’t it?!” I was flustered and had to ask him how he knew, he explained about the Instagram notification, he said that as soon as he started reading he knew it was me. He complimented my blogs highly and he swore to secrecy, he told me that he was proud of me and that he felt that I could make something big out of this and that he would never fuck it up.

Our flirting had stopped shortly before I started the blog, after I’d had the epiphany that I really don’t need men telling me that I am beautiful to be beautiful, and so whenever Aaron has got in touch during the past year or so it was mainly him messaging me to say that he had read one of the blogs and thought it was really good. I was very much loving the respect he was showing towards the blog and the fact that he was clearly beginning to see me for my mind and that he liked who I was and found me smart and funny, but I was not at all interested in men. I’d decided I wanted to try celibacy and for me there was no point in having sexual conversations because I was just not on that vibe. He understood and respected that. As the year progressed and the winter set in I had been feeling more interested in men again, but as you know from the last 30 blogs, I am struggling to meet anyone who gets past a few messages.

The other thing that has been hanging over my head when it comes to meeting people is that this Lala thing is a pretty major part of my life, but it’s a part of my life that I can’t talk to new men about, so it feels like I am carrying this big lie. They will say things like “Not enough women listen to red flags and end up in relationships with bastards” and I will want to say “Aherm, well I’m kind of an expert on this subject…” but I can’t. I can’t even explain why I’ve got two phones. I wouldn’t be able to share a whole big part of my life with them and that is kind of a problem when trying to get to know someone. So the fact that Aaron knows about it all, and respects it, is what drew me back towards him.

Some of you may remember a few weeks ago when I asked you guys to nominate me for The Cosmopolitan UK Influencer Awards 2018 on my Insta story. The form was hardwork and so I was really touched that anyone filled it out, which Aaron did. There was a bit at the end where you had to write your reason for nominating that person and he screen shot me what he had written. I can’t actually type it out word for word now because I have deleted our conversation thread, but it was basically the greatest thing he could have possibly written. It showed me that he really gets it. It meant a lot, and we started talking frequently on Whatsapp and following each other on Instagram again. I had made it clear to Aaron that I was intending to remain celibate until I am in a relationship or with someone who I feel secure with, and that if we were to meet up there would be no chance of sex happening, he was totally cool with that. The thing about Aaron was that I was really just talking to him to fill a void that had grown after being man free for over a year. I love men, I love flirting, and chemistry, and I wanted some of that in my life, not from a place of loneliness or desperation, but from a place of feeling good and wanting to share that. Wanting to have a regular man to spend my child free weekends with is what I would like right now, nothing deep or intense, just some fun company. Aaron is very hot, and he knows about the blogs so I could be natural with him, I really started to think that he could be a good long term chill prospect. The familiarity appealed to me, he was the perfect person to fill the need that I had at the time which was just for a night of kissing and flirting with someone who I fancied and someone who was respectful of my celibacy, I was not looking for a relationship with Aaron, but I would have been open to having one if it had ended up that way.

As I said before, I had sort of forgotten what had happened between us last time around and so I mentioned that to Aaron to see what he had to say. Not long after Aaron and I first met up I realised that he was friend’s on Instagram with a guy who I’d had several dates with a few months before. The guy was good looking and sweet, but that was it, there was no real connection, no banter. I didn’t find it relevant to mention it to Aaron. What me and the other guy, Riley, had had was nothing, but also I sort of didn’t want Aaron to know. He didn’t need to know. But anyway, unbeknownst to me at the time, he did in fact know. He told me that he had found out and that was the reason why he didn’t see a future with me at the time. He said that he wouldn’t want Riley goading him on the football pitch saying “Your Mrs gives champion head”. I was quite pissed off to be honest, and I told him that I never actually gave Riley a blow job. Aaron told me that I didn’t need to justify it, he said that he felt he had been immature about it and that it’s not even an issue now. This totally explained his behaviour on our second date, it didn’t excuse it though, because actually he should have cancelled the date if he had found out about me and Riley and had second thoughts, or he should have asked me what had actually happened, but I guess he just wanted to have sex.

Aaron and I started talking regularly again and I felt like we were both on the same page. He seemed to have grown up a bit, although he was still living with his Great Uncle and his career was a little unstable, but he seemed to have progressed emotionally and mentally. He talked a lot about wanting deep cuddles, hair stroking and hand holding. He talked about wanting intimacy, he said that obviously he would prefer it if I wasn’t celibate but he was happy to wait to have sex until we were where we needed to be. We arranged to meet up on the Saturday at the end of that week when we had ‘The Beast From The East’ snow storm here in the UK, we’d had the plan in place for ages before knowing the forecast. The weather was crazy all week and so we spoke on the Thursday and he said that obviously if the snow was still bad then we would have to postpone. I understood that, but on the Saturday London woke up to melted snow, it was all gone by Midday as the temperatures had risen. From looking out of the window I was certain that our date was on so I messaged him to confirm and he said “No way, I’m not coming out in this”. I told him to look out of his window, I informed him that the weather was back to normal, and he just flat out said no way.

At first I said “OK Cool”. And then about 10 minutes later after I’d had a little think I sent him a voice note on Whatsapp saying “Actually, I must say, I am pissed off by this, it’s my child free weekend and you have cancelled on me without any real reason”. He responded by telling me that just because I don’t know the reason it doesn’t mean there isn’t a reason and that he can’t talk about it now but he will when we are face to face, he said:

“If this is going to be more than a meaningless fling then what is the rush?”

These are highly typical fuckboy lyrics, so typical that I think they might be in the official fuckboy manual, a book which they all seem to have access to. I hate unreliable people, and if there is one quality I need in a man, whether he’s just a stroking my hair link or an actual boyfriend, is reliability, dependability, and consistency. Aaron was not showing me that, he was showing me that he had something better to do, and that he wasn’t actually as keen to see me as he had been making out, if he was then what was the problem? He was also showing me that he did not have the balls, or respect to give me a decent explanation. He didn’t even text me to inform me, he waited until I text him to see if we were on.

They can do better than this. I didn’t need to send him another long message explaining what he had done wrong. They know what they should do and they choose not to do it. The disparity between his words leading up to the date and his actions in relation to the date made me feel anxious and I was put off and so I didn’t message him again and deleted his number so my whatsapp profile picture was no longer visible to him. About a week later he got back in touch. He said that he had been going through some stuff and that he was sorry but he didn’t understand why I wasn’t speaking to him. I explained that I was speaking to him but that I was put off by what happened. He apologised, and to cut a long story short our conversation continued, I still had the desire to hang out with him and hear his explanation, and so he ended up coming over to mine for food and a movie on my next child free Saturday night. I picked him up from the station and he was still gorgeous, except his skinny jeans did nothing for his massive quads, and his hair was a bit out of control, but apart from that I fancied the shit out of him, more than before I think. He really does have a lovely face, model-ish.

I realised this time, maybe because we were in my territory, and maybe because I am a very different woman now, that he is actually quite shy. I could tell that he felt a bit awkward at times, he seemed more vulnerable and he had less of that dark edge. I felt more in control than I had last time, maybe because I didn’t really care whether he liked me or not. I was happy to have him there though. We ordered a Deliveroo, expensive burgers, fries and milkshakes, I did it through my Deliveroo account and at no point did he offer to contribute towards any part of it. After our food we sat down to watch Justice League, which I bought on my TV via Amazon Prime at a cost of £10.95. Aaron remained silent while I made my purchase. I thought it would be a cheap night in but I was now £35 down.

Before the film started I asked him to explain his reason for cancelling on the non-snowy snow day. He asked if we had to do this now and I said yes. He explained that he suffers from crippling anxiety, it all started after he was attacked by some guys in the street a few years ago, he also seemed to have had a pretty difficult upbringing. He said that he sometimes has periods where he can’t leave the house, that’s why he keeps changing jobs, sometimes he cannot face leaving the house for weeks, he can’t even get into work so he just stops going. He talked a lot about it, and the reasons behind it, and as he talked I put my head on his chest and I just wanted to cry, I didn’t, but I felt total empathy for him.

I understood why he hadn’t contributed towards anything, although I didn’t understand why he hadn’t at least piped up and said something, or even thanked me when I was paying for the food and film, but I understood his lack of communication on the snow day a little better. I just wished that he had said something. I know it’s hard to say “Hey, I live with a mental health problem and sometimes I might seem offish or whatever, but just bear with me please” That’s all you have to say and if you don’t say it then you actually end up causing anxiety in another person because they don’t know where they stand with you. Just fucking communicate!!

I think this is probably more of a male problem, mental health effects men and it often has a greater impact on them because they are less likely to seek help than women or to talk about it with the people around them. Patriarchal society has created toxic masculinity. Men are supposed to be tough, and strong and brave, they aren’t supposed to be scared to leave the house, they’re not supposed to cry, or hurt, or show weakness. This leaves a lot of them in deep shit when they do suffer with periods of ill health, they have no outlet. So I understand and sympathise with his reasons for not being able to cope with meeting up but I still think that he has a responsibility for making sure that he learns how to communicate his issues. I wouldn’t have minded about him cancelling if I had understood his reasons. I would have had patience.

I was holding him tight and listening to his heart beat, He seemed so open and real, but so wounded. He became insanely attractive to me all of a sudden. I just wanted to support him, and nurture him, and get him through this. I also wanted to kiss him and hold him and make him feel good. My feelings had dramatically changed, but at the same time I had the voice of reason in my head saying, this is a huge red flag, you need a stable man who can offer you a free and easy relationship, not a man who is still a work in progress and who needs to heal, by himself, before he can really be a reliable partner. But it felt so good to hold him and to be held and so I decided not to overthink it. I did not want to think beyond that night, and on that night I was very much happy to have this beautiful mess of a man in my arms. We semi watched the film (which is totally shit by the way), but we mainly focused on each other. We didn’t have sex but we had a nice time and we fell asleep in each other’s arms after. I needed it.

In the morning we kissed and messed around some more and then watched the rest of the film before I dropped him back to the station. He text me later that afternoon and said:

“Thanks for a nice night x”

I replied saying:

“Thank you for making me feel some shit I needed to feel x”

6 hours later my message remained on grey ticks despite the fact that he had been online, I checked – obviously. I know it wasn’t a question or a statement that required a response but I still expected one. The fact that he didn’t appear to want to have a conversation with me told me a lot. So I messaged him saying:

“And then you left me on the grey ticks….”

I think it is unreasonable for him to make me feel some shit and then actively ignore me on whatsapp. Of course, before I sent that message I thought long and hard about it. I thought that maybe it could make me look psycho, or maybe it could put him off, but I decided that I could not care less. I am not a psycho, and you had your tongue all in my vagina last night, so you better know that leaving me on grey ticks is going to annoy me. He replied saying “Better than blue” and I explained that actually it was far worse because it means he actively did not open my conversation whilst conversing with others. He joked about it and the conversation turned into banter and so everything seemed OK again, although I very much had the sense that the dynamic had shifted.

The following day I had been watching this Youtube series of street interviews that he had introduced me to which I had really liked. In one episode that I watched I felt really disappointed by the presenter’s behaviour towards a couple of women who he was talking to in the street, he was a bit touchy feely, and was making innuendos that a foreign woman couldn’t understand, I sent Aaron the link and said that I thought the guy was behaving a bit weird in this one, and Aaron suddenly jumped on the defensive before even watching it, he was acting like the presenter was his Brother or something. He was lecturing me that just because I have lived certain experiences with certain men doesn’t mean that I can interpret every man’s behaviour as being inappropriate. I was quite astounded by his response, and I could tell that he was quite pissed off with me for saying it, it was weird, it was like being back in the cinema again. He was making me feel stupid for starting the conversation. I sent him a message explaining my point more clearly and he read it but didn’t respond. He left me on blue ticks. I knew that he had no intention of messaging me back and I just sort of sat back and thought ‘Well that’s done’. It kind of made me laugh, like, another one….! I didn’t feel anything though, I wasn’t disappointed or hurt, or even surprised. I deleted his number and his conversation thread and call history the next day. I didn’t want to end up completely forgetting what a weirdo he could be again, like I did last time, and end up drunk texting him by accident at some point in the future. This all happened 3 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from him since.

Aaron has got major problems with communication, anger, and anxiety, and I think he would admit that himself. He is beautiful, and he can be intelligent, funny, sweet, and kind, but he can also be moody, selfish, thoughtless, and annoying. I don’t know what reasons he would give for not wanting any more contact with me, I can’t really read him and so I don’t even know if any of his vulnerable act was genuine or whether he just wanted to get a blog written about him. I cannot dwell on what his reasons for not wanting me might be, although a couple of times I have accidentally wondered whether it’s because I’m a stone heavier than I was when we first met, or maybe my breath stank, and then I have to stop myself trying to find blame in my physical appearance. I do not care if my chubby hips or one unshaved knee put him off, his reasons do not define me, just like mine don’t define him.

Maybe he had no intention at all of ever living up to his words, perhaps he just saw my celibacy as a challenge and wanted to see if he could conquer me. I will never know if he was looking at me as having potential and then changed his mind after our experience, or if he was chatting shit the whole time, or if his mental health is just currently in a place where he is struggling to interact, but I could not care less (obviously I care about the mental health – I just really don’t care about trying to second guess his reasons). It would be nice if he had better communication skills and was able to end interactions by formally signing out rather than just leaving me on blue or grey ticks, but like I said, I do not care enough to need a reason. 2 years ago it might have hit my self esteem because I would have instantly assumed that I was flawed, but now, I fully know that it is him that is the problem, not me.

It was an interesting experience. It has taught me that familiarity is not a good thing to yearn for because there is usually a good reason why they became unfamiliar for a while in the first place, it has also taught me to really deeply think about exactly why I stopped talking to a man in the first place before talking to him again in the future. But most importantly it has reminded me of exactly what I want and don’t want from a relationship, and I got some amazing kisses and intimacy while learning that lesson (that side of things was insane this time around tbh, although he has this thing about having his nipples played with which actually really annoyed me. We’d be kissing and I’d have to have my hands all squashed between us like T-Rex arms, awkwardly trying to twist his nipples. It was hard work), so nothing has been lost and everything has been gained. He was a good lesson wrapped in a hot package. I hope that he can learn to be more open and real with women in the future. All he really has to do is say a little and say it well, just enough so that he doesn’t leave women confused and at the whim of his moods. It’s not difficult. I wish Aaron the best though and I hope that the Universe brings him peace and harmony someday.

4 thoughts on “Say A Little And Say It Well

Add yours

  1. I think that is SUCH huge problem for a lot of us – that we can find a guys vulnerabilities insanely attractive as it appeals to that side of you that wants to love and nurture, but you are completely right, these are actually massive red flags. I know that I myself put up with a terrible situation for 2 years because I kept rationalising everything that he did as being because of ‘this and that’ and I excused things that really, he should have apologised for and taken ownership of. I think it can make you stick in something longer than you should do too, because you are trying to prove that you’re the only that can help etc.
    Love this blog so much, genuinely gives me strength! xxx

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