I feel like having orgasms is really important. I once read something that said that having regular orgasms helps you to look younger and sleep better, they reduce your appetite, make you live longer, reduce depression, and regulate your menstrual cycle, they also feel pretty good. We should definitely be having them, for our health. Brain dead men often say things like ‘She just needs some dick’ when referring to a pissed off/upset/vocal woman. They seem to think that their penises hold some magical cure for all problems, but as we know from above, it’s not even the dick that is good for us, it’s the orgasm. I think I actually have more orgasms now that I am single and celibate than I did when there was a willy involved. I reckon 78% of all of my orgasms have been achieved by myself. Don’t get me wrong, I very much appreciate and value a good penis and I do not want The Universe to read this and remove all human willy from my future, I’m just saying, a man doesn’t have to be involved to make it happen.
I have been promising to write this blog for about 6 months, I have been talking about it repeatedly on my Insta Live on a Friday night and I have had endless DMs from women asking when I am going to post the link ‘to that vibrator you keep going on about’. The reason it has taken me so long to post is because this is the first time that I am doing an advert type blog and because I am so technologically challenged it has taken me 3 months to be able to work out how to get the picture and link into my blog. It’s embarrassing and pitiful, but I got there in the end. I often get asked to advertise things on my Insta but I usually decline. I never, ever promote anything that I don’t actually use myself, I only post things that I think are amazing. That has resulted in me making zero money from promotions, but hopefully it also means that you know that you can trust me not to promote anything that isn’t actually amazing.
I actually don’t even like vibrators. Before discovering Mystery Vibe’s Crescendo I had only ever really used one, and I never fully enjoyed it. I found the insanely loud whirring sound really off putting, and it felt too big and plasticy. Whenever friends would joke about not needing a man because of their dildos I would laugh along but in my head I’d be wondering where I was going wrong. I went to The Hotbed Collective’s website launch last year and the goodie bag was amazing. I went with my best friend Grace and we both emptied our partybags out on the train, not realising that the black box we each pulled out contained a vibrator. I had no intention of using it, so I just hung the bag up in my cupboard with the unopened box inside, until a few days later when Grace messaged me to say:
‘Have you used that Mystery Vibe yet? I’m never leaving the house again’
Obviously I had to have a look. It’s a sexy looking vibrator, I was used to high street vibrators but the Crescendo looks luxurious, even from it’s packaging. It comes with it’s own black quilted travel bag and a neat little wireless charger. No batteries required, and it came fully charged. As soon as I touched it I was like ‘woooooaaaahhhhh’ I posted it on my Instastory before I had even used it, I was that excited by how different this vibrator was. It’s absolutely mental. I don’t know what it’s made of, possibly the virgin penis skin of 1000 penis models, but it feels amazing. It is really soft and it doesn’t feel like plastic. The thing that I got the most excited about, and if you saw that Insta story then you will know that I was like a child walking into Disnelyland for the first time, is that you can literally bend it and shape it in any which way you want to. It’s like it is made out of Plasticine.
Our vaginas are all shaped differently and our G spots are in slightly different places, with the Crescendo you can mould it to fit your body shape and pleasure points to a tee. Once you have shaped it to your desired position it has a range of different vibration settings which are absolutely banging. Some of them sound like tunes, you can really get into it. Plus you can connect it to your smart phone and download additional vibrations, apparently it takes partner play to a new level because your partner can control the vibes you get from their phone, but obviously I wouldn’t know about that fantastic element because well, you know why….(weeps a tear on to the Crescendo). In the video on the link that I have added to the Mystery Vibe website it also shows a man doing all sorts of mad things with it that look pretty fun, and when I used it I did think it would be great to use this with a man, so I very much look forward to having someone to use it with at some point in the (near) future.
I’m not going to go into detail about why I now, like Grace, no longer leave the house, but I swear to Mother Nature, this thing reaches spots I did not even know I had. It is the perfect shape and size, I want a man with a penis exactly like the Crescendo. It really is perfect for me. Now when my friends joke about not needing a man because they have a dildo I am like OMG DO YOU HAVE THE CRESCENDO?? I am officially an addict. I just love it. When I first used it I tagged Mystery Vibe in my story and sent them a message to tell them how amazing the vibrator was and then they got in touch to say that I should be an affiliate, so that I could get a small percentage if anyone who I recommend it to makes a purchase, so if you do want to buy it then click on this link.. When I said that it was £139 on the Insta Live, a few people were like ‘well it better be made of gold’ and of course, £139 is a lot of money. It’s about £87 more than the most popular high street brand, but if you can afford it, it’s worth it, AND they currently have a sale on and so you can get it for £119. And it costs less, emotionally, than getting it for free from a fuckboy with a devil dick. If you have a good man in your life who can afford it, then you might also want to send him this blog and remind him that Valentine’s day is coming soon and that this is a present you could enjoy together, and if you don’t then you could treat yourself on Valentines Day, it’s the perfect day for self-love.
If I haven’t got a date (which seems highly likely seeing as I cannot be bothered to leave my house or use Tinder), I’ll do an Insta Live Valentine’s special on Valentine’s night, and if you’ve purchased a Crescendo you can come and give it a review on the show. Hope you love it!