I’m A Celibate, Get Me Out Of Here


I am actually a massive dickhead you know. I am here to tell you about a first date that I went on this afternoon. I didn’t follow any of my own rules to get there, and I actually don’t really know why I went. I had absolutely zero connection to the guy, but he was pursuing me and eventually I caved in. I wrote about him in my blog about my rampage around 51st State Festival, his name was Richard. We had already been following each other on Instagram but we had never spoken, I was only following him because he was hot and has lots of topless gym pictures on his page. We spoke in the DMs a little bit after bumping into each other at the festival but I fizzled it out. I wrote this about him in the blog:

Oh, and Richard was much the same, although Richard is very keen but I’m letting that one fizzle out. I’m just not sure that he’s my intellectual match. He’s very basic, VERY basic, but really sweet, asking me lots of questions about my family, whether I want more children, what my favourite colour is, my shoe size (5), whether I’d be willing to have more children soon because he wants them ASAP…..he has literally jumped from ‘hello’ to ‘will you be my baby mum?’ in the space of about 20 messages over a period of half a day. Too much too soon.

I wish I’d read the blog before agreeing to go on the date because I really forgot that, like completely. I don’t know if I’ve got Alzheimer’s or what but honestly, when he got back in touch 2 weeks ago (after I liked his picture on Instagram) I must have just blanked out the past, because I begun conversing with him again. It was different this time though, we didn’t really get into any conversations, it was more him asking if we could meet up and then going back and forth trying to arrange when we were both free. There were no hints of his basicness, although he did mention babies again, but I thought to myself that I shouldn’t allow a 36 year man being clear that he wants children to put me off. I want a man like that. So yeah, I completely fucking forgot the whole paragraph above and I agreed to a date. I wanted to go on a date too. I haven’t been on one for a while and I enjoy dating, plus, he’s hot, I didn’t have anything to lose.

It’s a Sunday today and my son was with his Dad, so we agreed to meet at a cafe next to my gym at 1.45pm. I was at the gym prior to meeting him. I did a great big workout and I lifted heavier than usual and I was so red that I looked like I was going to die, but it wasn’t even like a nice even shade of red, it was patchy and mottled with white blotches, mostly on my forehead. I had to lay on the floor for 15 mins to calm myself down because there was no way I was walking out there looking like I was auditioning for Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes. I ended up running 15 minutes late because of my near death work out, and so he had to wait outside the gym for me. I actually felt really great, I had put on nearly 2 stone over the summer and I have felt really shit because of it, I was busting out of a size 12 and all my clothes are a size 10, I was on the verge of buying a whole new wardrobe and then I thought fuck this for a laugh, and started to take care of it. I’ve only lost half a stone but when you’re on the way down it always just feels so good. I wore blue jeans with and a tight white t-shirt, big gold hoops, and white converse. My hair was still wet from showering at the gym and my make up had done well to cover my, still slightly red, face. I was embracing my inner spectacular buff ting.

I eventually made my way down to meet him and I was disappointed to see that he had a Gucci man-bag strewn across his chest. I actually discussed those bags at length on my Insta Live (9.30pm every Friday UK time) the other night. This particular look is synonymous with the Roadman (click the word Roadman for a visual representation of the man bag). Obviously Richard did not look like those boys, he was nicely dressed but the Roadman bag just confused me. Why do they need little bags? Phone, money, and keys is all men need. And If they need more then they should get a proper bag. Not a weed selling bag, because that is what those bags are for, selling drugs. Richard is decent looking, nowhere near as hot as his pictures or  how I had remembered him from the Festival, but he was OK. cute face, very short clean shaven hair but a little stubble on his face. He was attractive. Until he opened his mouth.

Obviously, if I were to read my own blogs, I would have learnt that you should always really get to know someone before going on a date, it’s good to talk on the phone, to hear their voice, and how they come across. It’s essential in fact. Obviously I had met him in person before the date (but I was really not sober at the time) and I had also been following him on Instagram for ages, so I was sort of lulled into a false sense of security, like yeah I know this guy, I don’t need to take the usual precautions. He greeted me outside the gym and said ‘So babe, you been getting those squats in then?’ and I’m like yeah mate, and tricep dips, chest flys, shoulder presses, but you just want to mention my bum as your opening line innit? I wasn’t offended by it, it’s just so cliched – woman goes to gym, therefore, she must only be going to train her glutes in order to make them more sexually appealing to men. It’s boring. He went on to give me a compliment about my figure and he said ‘You’re nice’ but I’d imagine that if he was writing it he would have written ‘Your nice’. He’s just that kind of guy.

We sat opposite each other once we arrived at the cafe and I noticed that his pupils were like tiny little pins holes and he had bags under his eyes. He was staring at me intensely, right in my eyeballs and I could see in his eyes that he was searching for something to say. ‘So you’ve been gym yeah?’ was his opening line. He was a little bit twitchy, not like full on ticks, but just tiny subtle eye and mouth movements. I found it quite endearing. Like if someone has got a hearing aid or a stutter, that makes me find them more attractive. I don’t know why. Maybe because I feel like they might have faced greater hardships in life and I want to love them because of it. But also, I wasn’t sure if it was because he was on drugs, obviously I would not find that endearing. I’m not judgmental about a bit of partying but there is a time and a place, and a cafe in North London at 2pm is not one of them. He ordered a coffee and he told me he needed it because he had been partying since Friday. He had barely slept, and yes, he had been high all weekend so he was on  a major come down. I would have just cancelled the date if I was him. He was in an absolute state. The twitches were off puttingly drug related and not endearingly physiologically related.

Richard spoke very quietly, barely a whisper, and I am a bit deaf in one ear so I had to keep asking him to speak up. He’s one of those people who looks like they don’t know how to react to anything. After every sentence that I said there would be a 5 second pause before he replied and you could see his brain whirring away thinking of what to say. I have been house hunting recently and I am about to move, that is why I have hardly been blogging, it’s all taking up a lot of time, but I am moving shortly and so I will be settled and back on this properly. We were speaking about my new place and he said that he lived in his own council property and that he wanted to buy it as he has the right to buy.  And then he said “But I’ll have to wait for 2 years because I need to get a job first and show wage slips”. I think my face must have looked quite visibly alarmed.

“Oh I thought that you were a personal trainer?”

“Na babe, I just put a few pics up because I want to be one. I have got the qualifications, I just need the clients”

“But your insta name is Rich_PT_Fitness_1LDN and all your videos are workout videos and you have an email in your bio”

“Yeah, eventually I want to be doing that. At the moment I’m unemployed. Well, I’ve been doing some gardening for people but that’s cash in hand”

It was very clear to me at that point that Richard had not long come out of jail. It is very hard for a single man with no children to get a council property, unless they have a disability, mental health, or have just come out of prison, or care, so I guessed with Richard that it was prison. And I guessed right.  I asked him outright and he said he had done 9 years for selling cocaine. He had actually been out for over a year but he hadn’t really got his act together. I’m not judging him for it. It was his fuck up and he’s paying for it. It must be hard to spend that length of time incarcerated, especially during those crucial ‘becoming a man’ years, and he was still functioning like a 24 year old man as a result. He had nothing much to say, he had nothing much going for him, and it was clear that our lives were both in completely different places. He would suit being with a 20 year old young woman who is still finding her place in life so they can find their place together and support each other to do better. I am not in a position to sponsor a wasteman. Been there, done that, bought him the t-shirt.

Within the first 5 minutes I was already feeling this intense awkwardness. It is so hard to say this without sounding conceited but I’m not going to fuck about here, we were in a completely different league and we both knew it. It was like J.K Rowling going on a date with Mr Bean after Mr Bean had come out of jail. The waitress came and asked if everything was alright and he said “No, my coffee is cold”, she didn’t speak much English and she looked a bit confused, he stared her in the face for a few seconds before shouting ‘Jokes!’ and laughing hysterically. I wanted to stab myself in the eye with my fork. She walked off and he turned to me and said “So do you like jokes yeah?”. I had to fight the urge to run out with all my might.

I have so much to do, packing, blog writing, instgramming, Mummying, working, my free time is precious and it suddenly hit home to me that I should have been much more careful with my time and who I give my hours to. I didn’t need to follow my own advice and really suss him out before the date for purely safety reasons, or for hidden wife reasons, I needed to get to know him more to prevent myself from wasting my time. I felt resentful towards him but it wasn’t his fault, and we had ordered food so I sat it out.

For the second time, midway through the date Richard said “So you went gym today yeah” and I had to say “Richard, are you OK? You met me outside my gym, you watched me walk out. Yes I have been to the gym” Then he asked me to tell him every exercise I did but everything I said, like ‘ski squats’ he would ask what it was, but he’s meant to be a qualified personal trainer? He had literally no knowledge about anything, even things he had studied. After a while I just stopped talking and started using my phone, he did too. I had carried the conversation and made it light hearted even though I was feeling more desperate to leave with every “So do you train a lot of legs yeah?” question that went by, but I just couldn’t fake it any more. Once I stopped talking he struggled and we pretty much went silent so neither of us finished our food before asking for the bill. He insisted on paying. I didn’t want him to, job seekers allowance is only about £54 a week you know. But he insisted. I thanked him profusely and I beamed with joy at being able to be released. We chatted politely outside and I thought that he knew that this would be our last meeting but he told me he would love to personal train me and he asked if I wanted to meet for a session in the week. I said that I was busy and that I would be in touch. I don’t know why I didn’t just say “Actually, you’re a lovely guy but I don’t think you’re the guy for me” but I didn’t, I find that really hard and I have got to get better at it.

He hasn’t been in contact since and so I guess he got the message. I am a dickhead for not remembering what I had written about him in August and I am a dickhead for just randomly rushing out on a date for a dates sake. What was the point? Time is way too precious to be throwing it around willy nilly at people who are not worthy of it. Think of your time like money, if you were looking to spend big money on something you would research it and understand it before investing in it. I wasted my time, and his, but I got a blog out of it and nobody died so it’s not that deep. It’s a reminder for next time, I’m staying celibate and man free until a good one arrives and I am not wasting anytime meeting up with anyone unless they have shown me that they could potentially be worth falling in love and having sex with. NEXT…….

6 thoughts on “I’m A Celibate, Get Me Out Of Here

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  1. I love it! It’s so funny, poor Richard 😂 having a conversation with someone like that is like trying to get blood out of a stone. I have met people like that before. We are too nice to say, you know what, I’m leaving and get up and walk out. I think now if i was in that situation i would leave. I was 38 in September, I don’t know what 38 has done to me but it has changed me 🤣🤣

  2. This was a fantastic read,we can all say what shitty dates we’ve been on,but it’s definatly worth sifting through to get to the right one (in my experience).I really that 👏🏼👏🏼 Good luck finding me right ☺️

  3. I actually said “yesssss” out loud when I saw that you had a new blog up 😂 As always it did not disappoint! So many things you have said resonated with me I love how down to earth your blogs are 🙂 x

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