I did a post on Instagram this week about the different types of fuckboys (read my Fuckboy Guide if you haven’t already) and it became clear from the comments and the DMs I received that ‘The fuckboy in disguise’ is, or has been, a major issue for a lot of women. The picture I posted described the Fuckboy in disguise like this:
‘Cute, charming, funny, smart, ambitious, good dick, tells you what you want to hear, ghosts after you fall for him’ – @zero_fucksgirl
So I think it’s time we did a bit of in-depth analysis on this nasty creature so we can figure out how to make them extinct. Fuckboys in disguise can appear at any time – any man can be a fuckboy in disguise and it can relate to men who have girlfriends you don’t know about or men who become abusive and controlling. But the FID that we are concentrating on here is the one who charms you into falling for him or sleeping with him and then disappears once you have.
On a basic level, this type of fuckboy in disguise (FID) is that guy who you meet who gets under your skin straight away. You know how you can get talking to some guys and it’s a bit like ‘meh’ but you continue to talk to them because there is nobody else around and they’re quite cute. Or there’s those ones who you’re sort of interested in but there’s no fire although you plod along talking to them because of boredom, and then there’s those ones who it just clicks with straight away, that always happens with FIDs. They are charming, they ooze sex appeal, they make you feel sexy and special, they get your jokes and they make you laugh, they are flirtatious and occasionally sexual but you don’t mind it because he’s not sleazy, he’s a big buzzing ball of alpha male masculinity and you melt at pretty much anything he says. He compliments all your pictures, in fact he showers you with compliments whenever you are with him, and he stays regularly in touch with good morning messages and good night memes.
FIDs have usually got their shit together, their own place, a decent job, a big group of lad friends and a significant ex or two. They post videos of them going for runs on Instagram, wiping the sweat from their brow seductively, or they get their friends to film them doing 10 reps on the chest press at the gym while going ‘urghhhh, arghhh’ and gurning. But you think it’s sexy because at this stage you think everything he does is sexy. He probably posted an ‘RIP Hugh Hefner’ post too. Or maybe he’s a bit more demure, quiet on social media, and likes to preach about that fact. You like that too, you think it’s sexy. Whichever form they come in FIDs are just very appealing and charming, they make you feel like they are really into you, and of course, that makes your feelings of being into them increase. The situation usually goes a little something like this:
You get on well, he’s on your wavelength and he’s got banter for days. He will probably tell you that you are different to the other women he has dated, he will give you the best compliments, he will show you that he sees your value. He might buy you things, the chocolate bar or perfume you were saying that you liked and turn up to a date with them. He will be cheeky and he will turn you on with his compliments about your body. You two won’t have had the ‘what are we’ conversation yet but that doesn’t bother you because it’s early days and it’s feeling pretty clear to you that what you are is two people heading quickly towards a relationship. You’re talking all the time, you’ve had several good dates and everything is going well. So obviously you sleep with him.
You don’t even think twice about it. It feels natural. You have both talked about things you are going to do in the future, you both said that you should go to Amsterdam together one weekend, it’s all going well, you’re both grown-ups, sex is just the next step – natural progression. And of course the sex is amazing. He makes you feel like a porn star. You lay together cuddling after, basking in the post-fuck glow, feeling so happy and content in this man’s arms who you are absolutely sure is going to become your boyfriend. You can tell by the way he’s stroking your hair. In the morning you feel like you look like a piece of shit so you cuddle a bit before making a quick escape. He might even make you breakfast, but you don’t want to stay too long because like I said, you look like shit and you’ll probably need a poo soon and it’s too early for all of that so you need to flee.
You get home and message your best friend about the amazing night you had and how much you’re feeling Mr FID and then your best friend says ‘Has he messaged you yet?’ and you think FUCK….actually, it’s 2pm now and no he has not. But that’s cool because he’s probably gone back to sleep, and then it gets to 5pm and he still hasn’t messaged, and then 8pm and you think FUCK…..maybe he’s expecting me to message first because I was at his, maybe I should be saying thank you for having me, and you ponder for a while and you see that he’s online and so you think fuck it and you message him to say ‘Hey thanks for a great night, did I leave my earrings there BTW?’ You know full well that you didn’t but you wanted to make it sound like you had a proper reason to message, but he responds really positively and tells you that he had a great time too and that you should definitely do it again sometime but the next morning you don’t hear from him like you normally would…….
From that day forth everything changes. He either ghosts completely and you never hear from him again, or he contacts you but it’s different, it’s not as often and the tone has changed. This is almost worse than him ghosting completely, because when it’s like this you are not even sure of what is going on. You would actually prefer him to say ‘Look, I’ve lost interest’ but he doesn’t, he says just enough nice things and stays in touch just enough to keep you hanging around wondering what the fuck is going on, but his intention is for you to get the message soon that he wants it to fizzle out. If you do meet up at all, after that, you never go out. It becomes all about sex, which can become even more confusing because he might treat you like his girlfriend when he is with you but there is no label and he’s inconsistent with his communication and contact when he’s not with you. If you do keep seeing him it’s all on his terms and you end up in a situationship. It’s a horrible feeling and we usually blame ourselves for sleeping with him too soon. We wish we could rewind time and take back the sex because we didn’t realise that it was going to result in this. He made us feel like he respected us enough for sex not to change anything.
So to figure out where it all went wrong I think we need to break this down into categories:
1. The Fuckboy In Disguise
This is the real FID – the worst type of heartbreaker. It’s all part of his narcissistic game. He had no intention of loving you from the start but he had every intention of making you fall in love with him, and every intention of seeing whether he could break down your barriers and fuck you. FIDs get off on the chase. It’s a game to them, let’s see how many women I can get whipped over this dick. He knows how to hide the red flags, he’s a masterful player, but once he knows he’s conquered you he will lose interest in the game and he will not hide them any longer. He might return to the game every now and then just to make sure that you don’t lose interest and so that he always has an available bang lined up, but you’ll never be more than a fuck in his eyes. He knows what that mouth does now, there’s nothing motivating him to want to keep on talking to you. Your keenness for a relationship scares him – even though he is the one who made you want a relationship in the first place. Go fucking figure. He doesn’t make you feel like he did at the beginning anymore, you might see a nasty, disrespectful side to him too. You might argue a lot and you constantly tell him that you are done with being disrespected by him, but all he has to do is call you at midnight and tell you he misses you and you’re back to square one. We always mistakenly place meaning on them coming back but we shouldn’t, they haven’t come back because they’ve missed us, they’ve come back because they want to keep us hooked, plus they get free vagina – winning. We stick around waiting for him to return back to the original man who lured us in but he never does, that guy doesn’t exist. They’re like salesman, they know exactly what to say to make women fall in love, and it’s a rush and an ego boost when they successfully make it happen. These guys do not care. It’s all about them and their egos and dicks.
The other MAJOR reason for a man behaving like this is that he is cheating. Men with girlfriend’s are sadly rife and rampant out here, online, all over the place, actively dating other women and going home to their partners. It is all tied up with narcissism and their egos too. They get off on being able get away with it, but they often feel guilty and disgusted with themselves after sleeping with a new woman, which is why they behave horribly towards us after. Although with cheating FIDS they usually fall into the category below because there are nearly always red flags, like no social media, doesn’t bring you to his, stops messaging after a certain time, doesn’t answer calls but calls you straight back, wants to date indoors etc. Some really masterful FIDS can hide all the girlfriend/wife red flags though, they are some dangerously sly Mother Fuckers, they can even hide red flags from two or three women at a time. But yeah, if he changes after sex or after you get hooked, there is a high chance he has a girlfriend.
2. The Fuckboy Who Wasn’t Even In Disguise
A lot of the time they are not even disguising it, we just choose to over-look the red flags that are staring us right in the face. He will be doing all of the nice things that the fuckboy above his doing in the beginning, but add into the mix him telling you that he’s just come out of a long term relationship, or that his ex his crazy, or he’s just come out of prison, or he’s not allowed to see his children, or he can’t bring you to his because he lives with his grandma, or he has multiple baby Mothers, or he likes other women’s pictures but not yours, or the conversation is constantly sexual, or you’re arguing in the early stages, or he puts you down in jest……there are a whole long list of red flags, way more than this (I am writing a whole book about them in fact). Sometimes the warning signs are subtle, and we justify them to ourselves because we want it to work, but sometimes they are glaring and we still ignore them because we are lonely and desperate to be loved. We hear what we want to hear, and so we allow him to convince us that his jail sentence was a wrongful conviction, or that his ex is certifiably insane, we believe that he lost his luxury apartment in a terrible banking mistake so we understand why he is living with Grandma, we know he’s just come out of a relationship but he fell out of love with her years ago so he might be ready to love again. He could say anything and we’d believe it because we want this man so badly.
Sometimes they even tell us that they are fuckboys, they tell us that they are going to hurt us. They tell us that they are not looking for anything serious but we don’t hear it because they are telling us how beautiful and special we are at the same time, and so instead we hear ‘I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but now I’ve met you I might have changed my mind’. Sometimes they don’t even hide how focused they are on sex and the only compliments they give us are about our body parts, they make it clear that fucking is the agenda but we still hold out hope that he somehow deep down wants more. He still has no right to treat you badly, but if the red flags were there and you overlooked them, then you have to take an L for that and learn for next time. It’s just not worth overlooking the red flags because it never ends well.
3. The Non-Fuckboy Who Just Wasn’t That Into You
As hard as it is to admit, some of them were really, genuinely interested in us, and all the behaviours, and words, and actions, leading up to the point where it changed were real, but then something put them off. They lost interest. It could be anything. He might have hated the sex, you might have had a bogey at the edge of your nose all night and it made him feel ‘the ick’, he might have realised that he’s not ready for a relationship, his ex- love of his life might have just flown back in from a far off land, he might have been massively put off by something you said. Who fucking knows, but we’ve all been there. I’ve been really into a man and then suddenly gone off him, sometimes I don’t even know why, it’s like an energy change. Maybe that’s what he felt. It’s hard because you don’t want to hurt people. It is not that easy to say ‘I did actually really like you but I’ve gone right off you’.
He’s a fuckboy if he just completely ghosts once his feelings have changed, but that doesn’t mean he was a fuckboy before that point. If he just fizzles out the conversation then he’s cowardly but he’s not necessarily a fuckboy, he’s just hoping you’ll get the message. If you keep pursuing it and you don’t get the message, then he might meet up with you every now and then or keep talking to you because he’s weak and he cannot bare to hurt you, but he’ll probably be quite cold because he won’t want you getting the wrong idea. This type of situation is awkward and you can’t really prevent it because he wasn’t a fuckboy to start with, but you should walk away and not continue to pursue it once you are clear that his feelings have changed because you’re only going to hurt yourself if you don’t. People are allowed to change their minds about people and they do. We have to accept that we can’t be everyone’s cup of tea and that this does not reflect on our attractiveness, value or worth. One woman/man’s trash is another woman/man’s treasure.
So what can we do to avoid getting into a situationship with a FID. My best advice is to take it really slow. Be hard headed and don’t fall too quickly. I think a lot of us have this problem. We confuse lust with love and we get attached too easily and too soon to people we hardly even know. We believe what they show us on a surface level because we want them to be our boyfriends straight away and so we don’t take time to really get to know who they are deep down. We want to rush everything straight past the dating stage into the boyfriend phase. We fall for the character they present, not the man underneath. We get such a buzz from the way that he makes us feel at the beginning that we want to feel that high all the time, we place all of our happiness on him. We are happy if he messages and our world falls apart if he doesn’t. We have to take a moment to breathe when we meet someone new. We have to push all the chemical reactions and excited feelings to one side and take a step back and think to ourselves that if we truly believe that we have the potential to spend the rest of our lives with this person then why does everything all have to happen at once? Take your time. And learn about narcissists and misogynists, read up on the red flags and warning signs for narcissistic and misogynistic behaviour, because those are the ones who are most likely to fool you into bed under false pretences. The hypersexual fuckboy is bad for this too (read my definitive guide).
I do not believe that there should be rules on how long you should wait to have sex with a man, I have had two long term relationships, in the first we slept together on the first night and stayed together for over 3 years, in the second, we waited for 3 months and stayed together for nearly 5 years. If you want to sleep with someone then you should do it, safely. However, if you truly want to make sure that a man is in it for you and not for your vagina, then of course there is something to be said for waiting. I would like to think that I am going to wait until I am in an established relationship before I next have sex, I’d really like to think that, but there is probably zero chance of that happening because I enjoy sex and if I like a guy and I feel it going somewhere then I doubt I would hold back. But realistically, there is less chance of getting ghosted after sex if you really wait until you are very certain about a man’s feelings towards you. If they know that sex won’t come easily they will eventually get bored.
But the main thing for me is to make sure that you are happy and fulfilled outside of him. If you absolutely love yourself, and realise that a ghosting man is no reflection on your value or your worth, and that if a man ghosts you can say ‘Oh well, that’s odd and a bit gutting, but quite frankly it’s his loss and I do not give a fuck’ then you are in a much stronger position to deal with it if it does happen, you will also be far less likely to over-look red flags in the first place. Be happy outside of him so it won’t be a major hit to your self-esteem and it won’t crush your entire world if his communication does change. Being with a man should not be your focus or your goal, being happy and fulfilled unconditionally should be, regardless of your relationship status. Be so happy being single that a man would have to be incredibly amazing for you to consider changing that and be so confident in yourself that getting fooled by a FID just becomes a laughable story for us to discuss on the insta live group chat rather than a traumatic situation that you have to recover from. It happens to the best of us, and it’s not you it’s him.