storyThis is really just a quick update blog because it has been a while since I posted. I’ve gone from posting once every couple of days to once a fortnight, I’m slacking. I’ll explain why later. First though, I really think I should start by saying that I do not have chlamydia, or any other infection for that matter, not even thrush. I got my test results today and I must say, it’s like a weight has been lifted. I never really thought I had anything, but that prick Ryan contacting me to tell me that his penis wasn’t looking ‘too tidy’ and that it burnt when he pee’d so I must have given him something, that kind of got to me. I developed symptoms from the second he told me. I’ve had full on abdominal pain for 2 whole weeks. It’s gone now, it was clearly psychosomatic, just like that idiot’s symptoms. It was all in his head. It would have been impossible for me to give him something, we barely had sex because he couldn’t get hard, and we used a condom, although that somehow broke. The whole thing was a regrettable disaster.

I’ve never had an STI before and it’s the first time that anybody has ever rung me to tell me that they have symptoms. He literally delivered that news as I was posting a big blog about sexually transmitted infections. I was actually really worried because I have been celibate for 10 months, so it would have meant that I had been walking around with chlamydia for nearly a year which could have been disastrous. It really put me off sex or sexual contact, it reminded me how real shit can get with sex. It’s not all orgasms and fanny flutters, you’ve got to choose your partners so wisely.  On the same night that I met Ryan the impotent hypochondriac I also swapped numbers with Louis, a good looking guy who I later discovered was 25. I liked him but I knew it would never go anywhere because he was a bit of a professional wasteman and we were just on very different paths, but as I said, I liked him and I was sure that he liked me so we started hanging out a couple of times a week. Not for sex, I didn’t want that, I just wanted to be friends who kissed and cuddled. I wrote all of this in the last blog.

I told Louis that I write a blog about women’s issues but I did not give him the blog name. Just before I posted the last blog I phoned Louis and I told him that Ryan had dropped the chlamydia bombshell on me and that I needed to get tested and that I had also decided that I really do not want to have sex with anyone for the foreseeable future, not until I’m in a relationship. I told him that I didn’t want a fuckbuddy and he said that he didn’t either. He said he liked my company and he wanted to see where things could go and he didn’t mind not having sex. I was really happy that he was cool with it, but as I said in the blog, it’s unlikely that me and him could develop a relationship. It was a nice conversation though and I definitely wanted to continue seeing him, we agreed to meet at the weekend and I posted the blog and carried on my merry way. Later that night I got a random WhatsApp from Louis saying:

Him: Let me know when you get your test results x

Me: Are you para now? And is this you now saying were not meeting up until I get them, because I haven’t even been tested yet

Him: Do you really want to?

Me: Not if you don’t, no

Him: I do, but I don’t think you do.

Me: I do, I really like hanging out with you

Him: But

Me: But what?

Him: You don’t want a fuckbuddy

Me: I don’t, not right now

Him:  I don’t either. I just don’t think you’re really feeling me and my age. Just the whole situation.

Me: You’re right about your age and your situation but I really like you

Him: I’m sure you have enough friends already, I’m not that great to hang out with. It’s kl

Me: So you don’t want to see me again?

Him: I do, but I don’t think it’s for the best, you got your shit your doing with your book and all that

Me: Because you want to fuck and I don’t

Him: No it’s not even that at all. I know that’s what you think. But it’s not

Me: Sounds like you’re trying to end it with me nicely

Him: I read what you wrote about me. I know the name of your blog.

And then I rang him. I was in utter shock. I write anonymously so that I can be brutally honest. Do you think I would discuss near STI misses publicly if you could see my face. I have a son to protect and I never ever intend to reveal my identity. My writing would definitely suffer if I did. And this is part of the reason why. Now I can’t write about what has been happening with Louis. Because now I am super conscious about the fact that he will read it. The phone conversation hurt me, I cried, he told me that he had looked over my shoulder when I had been doing something on my phone and he had googled my page after seeing the Lalalaletme bit. I felt violated, like someone had read my diary, but I also felt guilty. He sounded hurt. And quite rightly so. I called him a professional wasteman and I said he did annoying things in an annoying way, and I also said that he didn’t have relationship potential. I said nice things about him too, but they were overshadowed by the professional wasteman thing. He said:

‘You are right, I am a wasteman. I just feel judged’

I was so upset that he had read it. Imagine you had been chilling with someone for a couple of weeks, having a nice time getting to know him, and then you read his diary and it says:

‘She’s a bit of a wastegirl, the way she lives her life annoys me, me and her are never going to go anywhere. I need a woman who has got her shit together. I really like her though and she’s great to hang out with. But I also don’t want to have sex with her because I am celibate but also terrified of diseases since being recently contacted by some arsehole with symptoms.’

Can you IMAGINE? Not cool. The thing is, he wasn’t supposed to see it, and nobody knows it’s him, or me, so he hurt himself. He sneakily searched for something that he knew he wasn’t supposed to find and that was the result. I hadn’t lied to him about anything, I had always been straight up about his age being an issue and the fact that I didn’t think a relationship would be on the cards. I had also told him about the STI scare – THANK FUCK, so at least that didn’t come as a shock to him. I guess that reading it all so bluntly was a bit of a knife to the gut. I still feel bad.

I was tearful and he sounded gutted. The phone call made me want to hug him and tell him that he wasn’t going to be a wasteman forever. It made me want to see him and make everything alright. We’ve seen each other a few times in the last fortnight but we’re not going to see each other again, and I’m not going to tell you why, even though it would make a good story, but I can’t tell it without taking the piss, my usual style, and I just don’t want to do that. I have respect for him and I really just don’t want to write with the knowledge that he is reading. All I will say is that it just went a bit weird. And I think that the blog created that. I think that’s why I have had writer’s block (although I don’t think writer’s block should be a valid thing, if you’re a sales executive you can’t just do nothing at work because you’ve got sales block) for the last couple of weeks, because I’m now acutely aware of the impact that it can have on others. I never really thought about that before.

So yeah, I’ve been completely shit with writing, I’ve hardly done anything on the book. I’ve been all up in my feelings and so I’ve had a over a week of getting lost on Instagram and barely doing anything else. Do you know how easy it is to lose hours of your life on there? It’s fucked. That’s one of the many reasons why I deleted dating apps, I don’t need any more apps taking up my time. Too many hours get taken up with swiping. It takes ages to filter out the buff from the butters, and once you do get speaking to someone you like and you get past all the social media minefields (like finding out they have a Mrs by searching their Facebook, or discovering that they are mutual friends with your ex on there, or noticing that they look like a waste or road man on Insta) and arrange a date, you’ve got the added anxiety about the fact that this is a date with someone you’ve never met in real life before. They might look different in person, you might not have any chemistry, you just never really know what you’re getting. It’s all awkwardness and nerves, and you’re doing this several times a week/month/year with new people depending on how actively you are dating. That’s if you even get to a date. Online dating is full of messages that fizzle out, and people that ghost. So many time wasters and men with girlfriends. I’m so done with online dating, it’s exhausting. I actually don’t even know why I am talking about it. I’m literally writing nonsense because I’m hesitant to write the real stuff.

Anyway, I’m back to being celibate. I’m back to once again having nobody messaging me and that’s how I want it for now. I need to clear my head a bit and work through my feelings about writing since Louis told me about reading the blog, that’s why I’ve just done a quick one today. Every time I tried to write the blog that I wanted to write I realised that I was writing it very self-consciously and I wasn’t doing it justice, but I didn’t want to leave it too long between posting so I flung this up. A select few people in my life know about the blog and I want to keep it that way. This incident has scared me. It’s made me realise that I need to be more careful, and also that I probably shouldn’t tell men about the blog at all. The thing with that is that I wouldn’t want to get deep with a guy and then suddenly have to say ‘look there’s this massive part of my life that I haven’t told you about yet….’ It concerns me. I have had a few fleeting thoughts about just stopping it all. Moments where I have thought that I am potentially fucking up my own chances of a normal love life, or potentially exposing myself and my family to judgement, or hurting people without meaning to. I have questioned whether it is really worth it. Like am I really going to make the sort of money that is going to make this risk worthwhile? I’ve been a bit fucked up about it.

I’m trying to constantly remind myself about The Law of Attraction and positive thinking. One anxious thought becomes a million anxious thoughts. I’m nipping them in the bud and remembering the good feelings I have towards all of this. I have been re-reading some of the amazing messages I get from people telling me that they have left abusive relationships, or women who have been fucked about by fuckboys saying that my page and blog has helped them to change their mind set. I have to focus on all the good that it has done for me and for other people. I’m going to carry on, there’s no doubt, but this has been my first major blip. I’m still processing it, I don’t quite feel my 100% confident self yet, but I will, I’m getting there, and I’ll be back on the blog track again soon, I promise. In fact, I reckon I’ll come back even stronger after this period of reflection. Blips can be good, embrace them x