cheating

I went to a white collar boxing match on Friday night to watch a friend fight, I love Boxing as a sport, my Dad used to Box and so I was brought up on it. It was a great night, I knew a lot of people there and of course, there were men everywhere, geezer types, East end boys, the types who would kill for their ‘muvvas’. I like a bit of rough, but he’s got to be an educated bit of rough, a gentlemanly old school gangster type, like someone out of a Martina Cole book. I never actually meet them, but whatever, a girl can dream. There was only one guy who I really found attractive in there though, the rest were those ones who look HOT from afar but who look NOT when they come close.

This guy looked to be part of the event in some way, I couldn’t quite work out his role but he was in and out of the ring and was clearly involved. He was about 6ft 4 and built like a world champion Boxer, both arms had full sleeves of tattoos, he was wearing a white t-shirt and grey shorts and he was wearing them well. He looked a bit like Chris Eubank Junior but older and less clean shaven. I very much fancied him but he wasn’t giving me any signals that he had even noticed me. I continued to stare at him nonetheless.

I was walking from close to the ringside past the bar to the back of the room with my friend and I noticed that he was walking behind me, I looked back and smiled and he smiled right back, I pinched my friend and told her that I was in love with him and she turned around and said to him ‘You two should talk’. He came closer and asked her what she had said, and I said ‘Nothing, nothing…ha ha…ha’ awkwardly. But we began to talk and my friend walked off and in the end I was very grateful for that awkward introduction.

We stood at the back of the room in a quiet place with our backs to the wall. People kept stopping to talk to him. People cheered his name as they walked past. He was obviously someone in the boxing world. He told me his name was Marley, he was 34 and a professional Boxer from East London, he wasn’t boxing that night though. Marley was half Nigerian and half Puerto Rican, with a very deep cockney accent. As you can imagine, I fancied Marley quite an unbelievable amount. Really, seriously, unbelievably.

We chatted with ease, and our flirtatious conversation flowed, he was interesting, although looking back on the conversation we mainly spoke about boxing, and his career in boxing, and what he does when he’s not boxing. I don’t think he actually asked me what I did for a living or what I like to do in my spare time. I didn’t really notice though, I was just so thrilled to be talking to such a spectacular buff ting.

I told him that my favourite part of Boxing was when the opponents have a little cuddle in the ring and so we got on to the subject of how nice cuddling is, he opened out his arms and told me he could do with a cuddle now and so I leaned into him and he hugged me tightly. Fuck me, I actually really needed that cuddle. He smelt really good and his body felt so strong and warm, it was just so nice to be held and to feel close physical contact with a male who is over the age of 5. It’s been 9 months now and I forgot how charged close physical contact with a man can make you feel. He let go and stepped back, looked me up and down and just said ‘Wow’. Then he laughed and shook his head and said ‘you’re just….wow…’

I knew what he meant, he was pretty fucking wow too. That cuddle was wow. I usually hate ‘wows’ because they generally appear after you have confronted a man with some seriously incriminating truths and he needs to buy himself a few seconds to come up with a good lie, but Marley’s wows were good. We carried on talking and cuddling for about 30 minutes. People must have thought that we were discussing something very sad because we literally just kept on breaking into long deep cuddles. They were completely innocent, no kissing or touching, just two people who had realised that cuddling each other was what we both needed at that moment. It was a bit weird but it felt really right.

Between the cuddles he showed me a picture on his Instagram and I started following him. I noticed that he had a young son and at that moment I asked him if he had a girlfriend. I actually shouldn’t have to ask a man who has been talking to me and cuddling me for the best part of an hour whether he’s got a girlfriend. If I had a boyfriend I would not even stop to talk to another man, but sadly, when it comes to men, you really do have to ask outright because their ideas of loyalty and commitment can be a bit skew-whiff. So his answer to ‘Do you have a girlfriend?’ was that wavering hand thing, you know when you turn your hand left to right to indicate uncertainty. He did that and sort of went ‘errrrrrrrrrrrmmm’ for a bit, before declaring that it’s complicated. I asked him whether they lived together and he said that they did. I wanted to head butt the wall because it doesn’t sound that complicated to me, mainly sounds like Marley is a big piece of shit actually.

I told him that I was really disappointed that he had even bothered speaking to me, I told him that I had enjoyed getting to know him and cuddling him and that I thought it was fucked up that he hadn’t said anything when we first started talking, it could have saved me a lot of unnecessary excitement. He gave me a load of shit about how we’ve clearly got a crazy connection and that he couldn’t ignore it. He said that if he just wanted sex then he would have lied about having a girlfriend but that he feels like he and I would be something deeper than that, so he had to be real from the start. As though I must respect him for being honest.

I told him that I had actually felt the same, that we had a connection, but that there was absolutely no way that I would give him my number now. He kept trying to persuade me and I kept explaining how fucked up it was that he was asking. I was very clear that I did not want to get involved. We had one last intense cuddle and then I walked away.

The night finished and everybody else went on to the casino at Westfield Stratford but I couldn’t be bothered, I wasn’t child-free so I knew I’d have a 6am start, and I wasn’t drunk. I was a bit disappointed and so I called it a night. While I was waiting for my Uber outside Marley and his friend came and stood with me. Marley was still wowing at me repeatedly and turning to his friend and saying ‘look at her, she’s just…wow’. Marley definitely didn’t have a way with words. Marley’s friend asked why we hadn’t exchanged numbers and Marley said that it was my fault. I said that actually, no, it was his fault because he was in a relationship. Marley said ‘a COMPLICATED relationship’. To which I said that there was no such thing.

Marley’s friend asked whether I had ever been in a complicated relationship and I said:

‘Of course but I have never cheated during those times. You’re either in a relationship or not, it being complicated doesn’t mean that you have the right to be unfaithful.’

Both Marley and his friend disagreed and started spouting some shit about how sometimes it takes meeting someone perfect to make you realise how imperfect your relationship is and I was just like blah,blah,blah….Marley grabbed my hand and he told me that he was going to hunt me down when his situation was different, and I told him that I wasn’t sure that I would want him to. He hugged me again and he whispered in my ear ‘You know I’m coming back for you, you know it’s going to happen’. Just then my Uber arrived and I walked away without looking back.

I got home and I could smell him on me. His aftershave was strong and sexy and I liked smelling of him. I’d spent the whole night wanting him, and then when I finally got him, I couldn’t have him. I mean, I could have had him, but I didn’t want him. I couldn’t believe that it had happened once again. It feels like the story of my life. So many of them have got girlfriends. I’m in major anti-fuckboy mode at the moment and so they are not getting anywhere with me, I find out about the girlfriends from early, but it doesn’t stop me attracting them. Why do I keep attracting men with girlfriends? Is it something that I’m putting out there? Or is it just the fact that men are becoming less and less faithful nowadays and that the majority of men in their 30’s are in relationships? Something has gone severely wrong.

I checked out his Insta while I sat there smelling of him and I really couldn’t believe how happy this ‘complicated’ relationship looked online. He had multiple pictures of them in matching clothes with the hashtag #king&queen (Marley was clearly not my soul mate because I find that to be quite possibly the most trashy bullshit on earth #annoying), recent holiday pictures #myteamlivingood #seeingtheworldwithmyqueen, matching Christmas jumpers #xmaswithmyqueen, and lots of loving pictures with their child #myheartbeats. What a load of shit. The Queen was probably at home sleeping, having spent the night taking care of their child, whilst The ‘King’ was out wowing, cuddling, and trying to have an affair with a woman he’s never met. Very romantic.

I just don’t get it. Just leave her if you don’t want to be with her, but until you do, stay faithful. It’s not that hard to stay faithful to someone. Especially if they meet all of your relationship needs and if they don’t then why are you with them? The areas that your partner is lacking should not be resolved by seeking out another person to fulfill them. Communicate with your partner, tell her what is bothering you, try to resolve the issue, and if you can’t, then move the fuck on. It would be amazing to take little pieces out of loads of people and put them together to create the perfect partner. You obviously can’t do that, but you don’t really need to, that person exists, you’ve just got to stay single long enough to find them, because you are blocking yourself from finding them when you’re running about in relationships or situationships with people who only meet some of your needs.

It’s as though these cheaters have convinced themselves that it’s legitimate to have several different women who each meet the needs that the other doesn’t fulfil. They have a side chick who will let them have anal sex when the wife won’t. Or a mistress who doesn’t give them stress when all they get from their partner is nagging. And they’ll justify it with stupid quotes about having steak at home but still needing a burger every now and then because then you realise how good the steak tastes in comparison.

Men have a million different excuses for cheating, just like murderers have a million different excuses for murdering, but the reason why they cheat doesn’t really matter, ultimately, if they’ve engaged in something, whether it be just taking a woman’s number or having a full blown affair, and they know that it is going to hurt their partner, then they shouldn’t be doing it. End of, there are no excuses for knowingly breaking your partner’s heart, especially if you have children.

Cheating is so low. For both men and women, being cheated on is probably right at the top of the list of worst things a partner can do to you. Being cheated on is a massive blow to your self-esteem. How can you not compare yourself to the other person? Its human nature to wonder what they’ve got that you haven’t. My son’s Dad cheated on me, and I have never felt so ugly and worthless in my life. It was a horrible feeling having to question where I was lacking and wondering what was wrong with me. Was she better in bed? Did they talk about me? Was he thinking about her when he was fucking me? I felt like a butters piece of shit for a very long time after. Especially because I was a pretty big girl at the time and the woman he left me for was tiny.

I’ve probably been the other woman more times than I even realise. Even if it’s just guys we’ve been on dates with, or spoken to, I reckon a lot of us will have had encounters of some sort with attached men without realising, cheating is rife, but I’ve never knowingly entered into a something with a man who is attached.

My Dad left my Mum for her best friend. She lived opposite us, she was like an Auntie to me and my sister. They moved as soon as it all came out and we had to spend weekends at her house. She was jealous of my Mum and so she made it difficult for us to come round. Eventually she moved back to where she was from, 400 miles away, and my Dad went following along after her. We rarely saw him for a good few years after that apart from on special occasions.

So my views on being the other woman are strongly influenced by what my Mum went through. I’ve tended to be quite judgmental of women who knowingly get involved with men who have partners because I saw how destructive it was to my Mum, and our family. He didn’t just cheat on my Mum, he cheated on us. At 7 years old I experienced all of those feelings that you feel when you are cheated on and left for someone else. Like what is wrong with me? Why does he love her more than me? Did I do something wrong? How can I make him come back? Children aren’t supposed to feel like that about their parents, they’re not supposed to feel like that at all. My Mum’s best friend was a filthy, low life, home wrecking scum bag. She only thought about herself, but it’s cool. My Mum has Grandchildren and a whole family around her now, last I heard she had a cat.

So yeah, I do feel as though we are a sisterhood and that we should not make it easy for these dirty willy sharers to have their cake and eat it. If we all refused to fuck them until they were single then there would be no place for cheating. But I also know that sometimes it’s just not that simple. If I had been in a different state of mind when I met Marley, if I was feeling low and desperate for a man, then I could have easily hung on to the bit about it being complicated and not asked any further questions and therefore, convinced myself that he’s basically single. Sometimes women even do dumb things like say ‘I’ll give you my number but I’m not interested in talking to you on a romantic level until you are single’. But both of you know full well that the second you exchange numbers you are already on dodgy ground.

Sometimes we are lonely and desperate enough to believe what we want to believe and to end up in situations that we really shouldn’t, but those situations only serve to make us feel more lonely and desperate for love so we really should avoid them at all costs. It’s better to just not lead yourself into temptation.

As I said, we should value ourselves and other women enough to make sure that we never get involved with cheating fuckboys, but sometimes it really is not that simple. Like my Baby Father for example, he has gone on to marry the woman who he cheated on me with, me and him were never soul mates, him and her are. They were meant to be. They worked together and they fell in love. He should have ended it with me before he got with her, but would that have hurt any less? I don’t think it would. I’m glad they found each other and I’m glad that I’m no longer in an unhappy relationship with him, I wish he had been man enough to leave me, but that was part of the reason why we were not a good match anyway, he was weak. It all worked out well in the end.

My friend Ella had an affair with her boss. It was text book stuff, she was his PA and they fell in love at work. He had been married to his wife for 10 years and they had a young daughter but he told Ella that he did not love his wife and that he never really had, they met at Uni and she got pregnant unexpectedly and so they had a shot gun wedding. Ella was everything that his wife wasn’t and he told Ella that she made him feel alive and that he had never felt love before he met her. Their affair was wild, trips to New York, drug fuelled parties, Tiffany Bracelets hidden in her drawer, Louboutins hidden under her desk. He even went away with his wife and had a different Agent Provocateur set delivered to Ella for every day that he was away. They had an explosive, chemistry fuelled love affair but Ella was struggling because he told her that he couldn’t leave his wife because of his daughter. She was 6 or 7 at the time but he had said that he wouldn’t leave until she was at University because it would be too unsettling for her.

Ella was completely in love, she had met her soul mate and she was willing to wait and to be a mistress for as long as it took. Our friendship group were all horrified. We couldn’t believe that she was being strung along like this by a man who was clearly never going to leave his wife. We were constantly harping on at her about how she was going to end up wasting her life and her child rearing years for a man who didn’t love her enough, but Ella was so deep into it all that there was no way that anybody would be able to convince her that the whole affair was wrong and that it was harming her.

One weekend Ella and the Boss had been away and he had returned home and given his weekend bag to his wife to wash his clothes. He didn’t realise that one of Ella’s bras was in his bag. The wife found it, went mad, and it all came out. That night he moved into Ella’s house and 2 weeks later Ella was meeting the wife over dinner, because the wife understood that Ella wasn’t going anywhere and she wanted to get to know her if Ella was going to meet her daughter. They all spent the following Christmas together as a family and they have done so every Christmas ever since. Ella and her (ex) Boss have now been married for 5 years and they are expecting their first child and she has an amazing relationship with her step-daughter. They are an excellent couple, soul mates for sure.

Ella was selfish for getting involved, she did not follow the girl code, but her whole life would have been completely different if she had, so I don’t know, in this situation it worked out for the best. It even worked out better for the wife, she got the marital home plus a couple of thousand in maintenance payments every month and now she has a young boyfriend who she is very happy with. She had her heart broken in the process though but she got through it.

I have a friend, Rhea, who actively seeks out married men. She was in a very abusive relationship with a man with a heavy cocaine habit. He was 26 years old when he had a heart attack in her arms, he was rushed to hospital where he died, it was at the hospital that she discovered that he was actually married and that she was his mistress. Rhea lived with this man so she had no idea how he had managed to lead this double life but she was beyond broken when it all came out. They had been together for 5 years and she wasn’t welcome to come to his funeral because of his wife and her family. It was extremely traumatic for her, as you can imagine.

Rhea has never really recovered from that and she is frightened of experiencing that level of pain again and so for her, she feels that it is safer to have affairs with married men. She says that it puts her in control, they cannot hurt her because they are not really hers, she never has to give herself fully to them, they don’t need to lie to her. The problem is that Rhea always ends up wanting more from them, she always ends up feeling like shit when they go off on 2 week holidays with their families, she always feels like she is worthless when they put up pictures of their Wives on Facebook, or when they ask her for suggestions of what to buy their other halves. They always convince her that she is amazing, that she is the one who they want to spend their time with, that she is the fun one, the sexy one, the one that makes them feel alive.

They always tell her that they are only with their wives out of convenience or for the kids. They always tell her that their wife is draining, that all she does is moan, that she sucks the life out of him. They always make Rhea feel like the superior one for the few hours that they are with her, but when she’s not with them she feels alone. She feels inferior. She ends up wanting them to leave their wives and they never do, they leave her. And then she gets hurt, because inevitably, someone always ends up hurt when cheating is involved. It’s like self-harm, she is in a place of self-destruction, although she pretends that she is doing it to protect herself.

I Know another woman who has been a side chick for 15 years and it has ruined her life. I met Jazmin when I was 19, we worked together and I had a major girl crush on her, she was beautiful, hard-working, and driven. She was a few years older than me and I wanted to be like her when I grew up. She had a nice car, her own place, good money coming in and her career was thriving. She could get any man that she wanted but she chose Rob. Rob was a dickhead. I hated him from the second I met him. He looked like a little weasel, a bit like Mo Farrah but more skinny and less friendly looking. He was quiet and had no personality. I really couldn’t work him out and I really couldn’t work out what she saw in him, but anyway, they had a decent relationship, they fell in love, holidayed together, partied together, and were functioning like any normal couple.

One day Jazz got a call from a woman who told her that she was Rob’s girlfriend and Mother of his 2 children. They lived together and were in a full on relationship. Jazz and the BM were on the phone all night establishing exactly how and when he could have fitted them both in, comparing holiday dates etc. Once they both realised that the other one was telling the truth you would have thought they would both leave his arse. But no, both of them said that they weren’t going to end it. They then had a screaming match and became arch enemies who despise each other, but who both seem to think that it’s OK to share vaginal juices with each other.

And that’s what they have done, for 15 years. The BM does not know that they are still seeing each other apparently and Rob has convinced Jazz that everything is shit with his girlfriend and that they only live together for the sake of the kids. Yet in the time that Jazz has been his side chick he’s gone on to marry the BM and have 2 more children. But yet Jazz is still convinced that she is number one. Every now and then she contacts the BM and tells her that he stayed with her last night and the BM just tells her to fuck off. I do not know why either of them tolerate it, but Rob very much has his cake and eats it.

It is killing Jazz. She has never remained faithful to him and she has had situationships with other men but nothing ever works out because she is in love with Rob and she cannot connect with other men because of that so she ends up having random sexual encounters and she usually tries to use them to make Rob jealous. He constantly ghosts on her, disappears for weeks sometimes. Says that he’s coming over but doesn’t turn up. But then occasionally he’ll take her for dinner, or help her to put up a shelf and she feels special again, she ignores all the bullshit and just holds on to those small times when it feels like he’s her man.

Jazz is currently unemployed and has been for the past 8 years. She lost her motivation and drive for her career because she was putting everything into trying to make another woman’s man hers. Eventually she got diagnosed with depression and put on income support. She takes too much coke too, that really hasn’t helped, but he was part of the reason why she got into sniffing in the first place and he’s part of the reason why she stays on it. She sells a bit on the side to earn money and he helps to supply it to her, but also she feels sexy and confident when she’s on the gear, she feels worthless when she’s not. Having a man for 15 years and never being able to spend Valentines with him kinda does that to you.

I don’t think that there is one cheating story where someone doesn’t end up getting hurt. It’s always going to end in someone’s tears. If not all three of you. It’s Tuesday now and I have thought about Marley a few times since I met him, and I’ve looked at his Insta too, I don’t really know why. On the night that I met him, when we were cuddling and connecting, I really did feel something, I really wanted a man. I wanted that physical connection. I felt sad that nothing was going to come of this rare opportunity of me meeting someone I really fancied. And then I sat there and thought, fuck this shit. I am so fucking happy that I am not sitting at home being taken for a fool by a man who pretends to respect me on Instagram but who publicly tries it on with other women behind my back. It is far better to be single and happy than to be taken for a fool by a fool. As I said, there is always a reason for cheating, just like there is always a reason for murdering, it doesn’t make it OK. Save yourself the drama, and the karma, and stay the fuck away from other women’s men.