You should not start reading this blog until you have read Part 1 AND Part 2 first, you’d ruin the ending for yourself if you did. And yes, I can assure you that this is the end. I had declared the relationship over at the end of the last blog but that wasn’t really my choice. The decision was forced upon me by Callum, if I could have had my way we would have been entwined in each other’s love for all eternity (funded by my wages and his imagination probably).
I knew what an absolute fuckwit he was, the fact that he was accusing me of being a compulsive liar for sliding in his inbox with a white lie made me mad as fuck. I knew that he was being manipulative and completely ridiculous and it annoyed me that I was being forced to defend something so stupid. I also thought that he was being a massive cunt for not being able to forgive the comment I made about us both talking to other people.
I know it was a stupid thing to say, and I understand why it would make him feel wary, but when all I had shown him prior to that was unbridled loyalty and support it pissed me off that he was judging me on the 1% instead of the 99%, especially because the 1% wasn’t true. That was the thing though, he knew it wasn’t true, he was judging me for the fact that I said it, he felt that it proved that I was the type of person who would lie to manipulate a situation. He was using it as a way of completely deflecting away from having to explain himself. Because let’s not forget that my comment stemmed from me becoming completely anxious and insecure about where I stood with someone who was basically supposed to be my boyfriend.
A mid-conversation ghoster is bad enough when it’s just someone you are talking to, but for it to happen once you are really in something, that’s a mind fuck. He didn’t ghost completely but his dramatic change in behaviour towards me was enough for me to know that he was ghosting from the situation mentally. I guess I gave him the perfect excuse to end it without him having to be honest about what was really going on.
It’s hard when someone ends it, especially when you don’t really know why. It has you questioning everything, your whole behaviour, every action, was it something you said? The way you looked? Your sex game? Did you come on too strong? Were you not strong enough? You always bring it back to what you could have done differently and to feeling as though there is a flaw in you. Especially if you’ve been in a string of relationships that haven’t worked out. It makes you feel like shit. And if there is another woman involved then boy, times those feelings of being ugly and inadequate by a thousand.
By this point, the point at which I felt that it had finally ended, I genuinely disliked him. I saw him for the manipulative, controlling, wasteman that he was and I could not believe that I had sponsored him in the way that I had. Grace said that it’s because I am a kind and generous soul and that I cannot see people in need without trying to help, and the rest of my friend’s said it’s because I’m a fantastical idiot and that I should get over it and think of the money I’d be saving now that I had cancelled my subscription to the Adopt a Wasteman Initiative.
I missed him though. In the days that followed our final conversation I thought about him non-stop. I wasn’t an emotional wreck, I got on with it, but I was constantly checking my phone to see if he had messaged, I had deleted his number but I hadn’t blocked him. I wanted him to get in touch. I didn’t like him, I knew he was bad for me, but I wanted nothing more than to be with him. It’s like crack addiction. The first time I met Callum it was amazing, from our first conversation I felt something towards him. Those feelings are a chemical reaction, your brain recognises that it likes this thing that causes you to feel so happy and so it compels you to want more of it.
And even though it might be damaging in some ways, your brain ignores those bad bits and tells you to chase after those high feelings, those ones that you got in the beginning. We keep going back to bad things because we think that someday we will get that amazing feeling back that we had at the start, harming ourselves significantly in the process. Like actual crack heads, or more accurately, dick heads.
I was in a weird place before I met Callum, I had already discovered Abraham Hicks and The Law of Attraction (LOA) and so I was feeling pretty good about life in general. I was practicing positive thinking and it was getting me through stressful days at work, and stressful evenings having to deal with a 4 year old who enjoyed doing things like wiping Nutella off his hands on to the sofa while watching TV, or pouring an entire brand new Eve Lom cleanser in his bath. I was dealing with life positively and happily but I was very much focused on practicing all of this with the end goal being to find a man.
I wanted LOA to put me in a place where I was ready for a good man, and where I would attract a good man, that’s why I practiced it. I didn’t practice it to make me happier at work, but I became much happier at work, I didn’t practice it to get rich but I had money flying in at me from everywhere, I didn’t practice it to be a better Mother, but I became one because I was more patient and calm. I practiced it to get a man, and Callum came.
Anyway, I can’t remember how long we didn’t speak for. It felt like 48 years but it was probably about 5 days. It was actually the first day that I had started to really feel like ‘Actually, FUCK HIM’. Although I was still desperately hoping to get his attention by posting buff pictures of myself and pictures of quotes like ‘My head is saying fool forget him, my heart is saying don’t let go’. In fact, I spent an awful lot of time repeatedly listening to Hopelessly Devoted to you from the Grease soundtrack, and Groovy Kind of Love by Phil Collins. I’m going to put them on now so that I can really relive the mood I was in back then.
I was at the gym when he got in touch, I had just started a workout and a whatsapp came through from an unstored number, I knew it was him, I knew his number off by heart anyway, deleting it made no difference, and I hadn’t deleted our conversation either, it was a symbolic but pointless deletion. He sent a sad face emoji and said:
‘This is fucked’
I replied straight away and asked him what was fucked.
‘Us, this, everything. I’m so angry about what you did and usually I would completely cut someone off for doing what you did, but I can’t stop thinking about you’
Obviously I was bursting with joy, I had been hoping for this and now it was here. I told him that I felt the same. He said that he missed me and that things kept happening that he wanted to tell me about but he realised that he couldn’t because we are not talking. He said that he had a job interview with a top security company (don’t know what happened to the guaranteed job at his cousin’s ‘security firm’….strange), he was excited, he wanted to share it with me but he also said that he didn’t want to lead me on, he still wanted to remain only friends, he just couldn’t handle not speaking to me. I gave him a supportive ‘Wow you’re going to smash it’ type message, and even though I was absolutely burning inside I just said:
‘Yeah, I fully agree, I think we are definitely better as friends and I don’t want to lose you from my life’
I didn’t mean that though. I wanted to scream at him for being such an over dramatic twat. Why was he dragging it out for so long? I get over things pretty quickly and if I can’t then I just delete that person from my life, I never hold grudges for any length of time. It’s unhealthy, these fuckboys do it because it gives them power, something to hold over us, like we owe them something because we fucked up once. That’s what he was doing and it was annoying me. But yet I still wanted him to drop it all so that we could resume our romance, and I still accepted my place in the friend zone, the friend zone waiting room, where I may possibly one day be allowed to be his love interest again if he ever decides to let that comment go.
So now I had to be the perfect best friend and prove my worthiness to him without any type of commitment. I wasn’t sure how this worked. Was I supposed to keep being really clear about my feelings, stay in contact with him, re-follow him on social media, and do wifey shit for him or was I supposed to hang back, chill, get on with my life, talk to him only when he initiates conversation and keep trying to get over him? We all know what the sensible answer is, but of course, I choose the dumb option.
We stayed in regular contact every day. He was worried because his daughter’s birthday was coming up and he didn’t know how he would be able to afford a present for her, so I ordered a personalised PJ and slipper set for her and had it sent to his house. And he was also stressing about his interview, he only had a small amount of money and he needed to use that to travel to the interview and he was worried about how it would affect him not being able to eat for 24 hours beforehand. And so of course, I deposited £20 without him asking because I really wanted him to do well. I sort of felt as though maybe his irrational anger was related to his shit lifestyle and that maybe finally having a proper job and money coming in might cheer him up a bit.
That week I complained at Pizza Express after I got a shit meal (I do this quite often) and they gave me vouchers for 2 meals. His interview had gone well and he’d been called for a second. We had been speaking on the phone and I told him about my Pizza Express vouchers, and I suggested that he might need them so he can eat before his second interview. He said that would be so helpful but he didn’t know if they would arrive in the post on time. I told him that I didn’t mind dropping them to him, I was childfree, he was at work and didn’t finish until 9.30pm, it was about 8pm when we were speaking and so that gave me ample time to get myself looking as hot as possible whilst attempting to look as though I had made no effort at all. Leggings, white t-shirt, grey hoodie under denim jacket, hair in a high-pony, white Nike Free Runs, silver hoops. You know the look, sexy slouch. I assumed that he would end up coming to mine so I got my place ready too.
As I was driving to meet him he left a voice note saying:
‘Imagine, my friend’s brother is a Michelin starred pastry chef, one of the top in the world, and he’s just left a load of pastries there and my mate has invited me to get high and eat Michelin starred pastries. I’m fucking happy man!’
So I turned my car around and went home. I voice noted him back as I was driving saying:
‘Oh, OK, I had left but I’m turning back now. That’s an offer you can’t refuse I guess, just wish you’d have told me before I left the house! But no problem. I fully understand. Have a good night’
That was all lies, I did not hope he had a good night, I hoped he choked on a fucking croissant. I was so pissed off. I know we hadn’t committed to a night together but did he really think I was driving up there just to give him the vouchers? Did he not also see this as a magical opportunity to spend some time with me like I did with him? Stupid foolish wasteman, but I couldn’t say anything because officially he hadn’t done anything wrong I had just assumed that we would be linking up for the evening.
He didn’t listen to the voice note for about 10 minutes and then he rang me and asked where I was. I told him that I had turned back because he had made other plans and he went crazy.
‘You FUCKING DUMB BITCH! Are you really that FUCKING DUMB YOU STUPID FUCKING DICKHEAD. DID I TELL YOU TO TURN BACK??? DID I TELL YOU I DIDN’T WANT YOU TO COME?? Now I’m standing outside my work WAITING FOR YOU IN THE FUCKING RAIN AND YOU ARE IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE. ARE YOU FUCKING DUMB????’
I was stunned into silence. I could not believe the way that he was talking to me. I let him shout and I just stayed completely quiet until he stopped, and then we both stayed in silence and then he said sorry, he apologised for losing it and he said:
‘This is the problem with you, you are so fucking smart, literally the most intelligent woman that I think I’ve ever met, but you do the most stupid stuff all the time. It’s like you’ve got learning difficulties babe. I didn’t mean to shout but you’ve kind of fucked everything up. Now I’ve got no way of getting to my mates, I am stranded outside my work and I’m just pissed off that you didn’t check with me first before turning back.’
‘ARE YOU FUCKING DUMB CALLUM??? ARE YOU FUCKING OFF YOUR ROCKER MATE?? DO YOU REALISE THAT I WAS COMING TO SEE YOU TO BRING YOU VOUCHERS SO THAT YOU COULD EAT AND NOW YOU ARE SHOUTING AT ME BECAUSE I MISUNDERSTOOD SOMETHING? ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS OUT OF MY WHOLE LIFE YOU FUCKING CUNT?????’
We shouted at each other for about ten minutes, mainly with him saying things like ‘you better mind how you are talking to me you know’ and then eventually we both calmed down and he said ‘We should just talk this out face to face, I really need to see you.’ And so I got into my car and I made my way to his work place. I’d made an effort, I felt like I looked good, I wanted him to see me and I still wanted to see him, even though he had called me a dumb bitch and told me that I’ve got learning difficulties.
He was stood outside his shop when I arrived looking pissed off but sexy. He’s 6ft 3 and has an incredible body. He made me feel weak when I saw him. He got in my car and neither of us said a word for about a minute until he said ‘I’m sorry.’ I gave him the vouchers and I told him that I thought that this had all gone too far, he was holding that shit against me and it was making us hate each other. He told me that he just could not let it go, that he wanted me to be the woman who he had thought that I was but that he just couldn’t trust me. I got frustrated and I explained again that I had proved myself to him over and over and that I thought he was being ridiculous.
He said that the fact that I thought that he was being irrational told him that I really did not understand the levels of what I had done and so I told him that genuinely I thought that we would be better off letting go completely then. I told him that I would not be able to cope with being friends because I had feelings for him and I wanted more and that it was killing me to keep feeling like things were going to change and then having this crap thrown back in my face. He nodded and he asked if he could hold me. I took off my seatbelt and leaned into him and he held me so tightly. I could feel him smelling my hair and I could feel his breath against my neck. I could smell him, that familiar smell that I just wanted to breathe in. He pulled me really tight and he said:
‘I wanted to love you, I still want to love you, but I know that it’s fucked.’
I burst into hysterical tears and I shouted at him that it didn’t need to be fucked, that he had fucked it, that he had chosen to ruin it and I got so hysterical and shouty that I gave myself a headache and eventually stopped and started laughing, like an absolute mad woman. It’s like it suddenly hit me that this was ridiculous and that it was actually hurting me physically and so I genuinely felt at that moment that this was a load of shit and that I just could not be bothered anymore.
So I drove him to his friend’s house so that the pauper could eat his 5 star cinnamon swirls in peace and before he got out the car he said:
‘Did you ever imagine that it would end like this? Because I never imagined that it would end at all, let alone like this’.
And I drove home crying listening to Hopelessly Devoted to you and sing-crying with my windows wide open not giving a shit about what anybody on the streets thought. I needed to get it out. The next morning I woke up to see a multitude of pictures and Snapchat stories of him and his friend smoking weed and enjoying their cream cakes like two over excited children who had never seen a chocolate éclair before, harping on and on about the ‘levels’ of these pastries, using hashtags like #5stardining #weliving #myteameatsgood #myteammichelinstarred and I just shook my head at the utter bullshit of it all.
So I spent the next few days doing everything in my power to forget about him again, but inside I still had all this unresolved shit, a feeling of it not being right, I hated him but I did not feel as though I was ready for it to be over. And so I decided to send him a voice note saying:
‘I’ve finally realised why you feel so strongly about what I said. I get it, I understand that I maybe am a manipulative person and that I need to look at myself and how I operate in relationships. I understand that my insecurities started all of this and that actually you hadn’t done anything wrong, it was all in my head and I freaked out unnecessarily. I don’t accept that I am a compulsive liar but I do fully hear what you are saying and I want you to know that I am fully in a place of self-reflection and that I am sorry’
He responded with the heart eyes emoji and just said:
‘FINALLY, she’s got it!’
And then I came back with this gem……
‘I feel so off when we weren’t talking, I can’t predict the future and I don’t know if we’ll ever end up in a relationship but something is just telling me that we are not meant to finish yet and so my heart is saying, go with it, see where it goes, start afresh, take each day at a time, no rushing but no holding back either.’
I actually annoy myself you know. And Callum replied:
‘It doesn’t work like that. Nothing’s changed’
So I sent him a picture of a wolf with the words:
‘It all begins and ends in your mind. What you give power to has power over you.’
Seriously, I hate me, am I annoying you? Are you actually reading this thinking ‘Who the fuck is this woman? Why am I listening to her guidance when she has sent a Wolf quotation picture to a wasteman to help him to understand how to behave more rationally?’ I am sorry for this period in my life, I’d like to apologise to myself and all of you. To my Mum, my friends…it won’t happen again. I fully lost my mind. I see this now.
I asked him what is supposed to change and he said:
‘That I don’t trust you fully Coz of what you said and I’m not ready to be anything other than your friend.’
‘Ah OK, Well that really is sad that you can’t let it go Callum. Because tbh, I think it should have been something that you should have dropped, but yeah, we are going round in circles again now.’
Callum told me that we should both stop being so dramatic and serious and that it’s obvious that we can’t keep away from each other and so we should just go with the flow and meet for lunch. It didn’t take a lot of persuading before I was faithfully picking him up and driving us to a restaurant of his choice. He asked me to stop at the cash point before we headed to the restaurant and I could see him at the machine banging his fists and looking irate. He returned to the car and told me that his wages hadn’t gone in. But it was a Sunday, surely he would have known that his wages hadn’t gone in from Friday? Nobody gets paid on a Sunday. He told me that he hadn’t checked because he hadn’t been out this weekend and so of course, because my wages always seem to go in at the right time like most normal people, I told him not to worry and that I would pay for our lunch.
He was apologetic and embarrassed and he promised to pay me back, I told him not to worry and that he should just pay next time we ate out. We went to a nice, not cheap, restaurant and I realised that it was our first time out doing something proper. We didn’t talk about us and our issues, we just had a laugh and carried on like two old friends. He didn’t hold back when he ordered. He had a choice between steaks and of course he went for the most expensive option at £26. I didn’t say anything. I also didn’t say anything when he decided to order a prawn starter on the side for £14 because he really wanted the steak but he had a real craving for prawns. And I didn’t say anything when he ordered himself a double Brandy and coke at a cost of £9. And dessert. I didn’t say anything because it was just not worth it.
We had a nice time and it felt good to be with him and to just get on, to forget about all the shit that had gone on before and just enjoy each other’s company. I had to get back to collect my Son from his Dad’s and so we parted ways with a hug and a promise from him to return the favour and take me out soon. We stayed in touch daily after that and our friendship had returned to normal, although every now and then he would say something that would let me know that he was beginning to chill and to see me as a potential girlfriend again.
I was still really into him and my birthday was coming up at the beginning of November. My birthday was on a Friday and I was seeing my friends on the Saturday. I wanted to be with him on my birthday. Nothing would have made me happier than having him here with me and so I asked if he was free. He told me that he would be honoured to spend my birthday with me and he offered to cook for me at home. He’s always banging on about what a great chef he is and so I was excited about our up and coming dining experience.
He also sent me a link for Ballie Ballerson and adult ball pit that had just opened up in Dalston and asked if I fancied that too. I was well up for it and so I booked. The plan was for us to eat at mine first and then head down there for 10pm. We were still just friends but I liked the direction that we were heading in. He had also got the job that he interviewed for so now he was finally working, but unfortunately, my birthday fell before his first payday and so the only way that it was going to happen was if I lent him the money.
A couple of weeks before my birthday I was scrolling through Instagram when I spotted that he had posted a picture of a cartoon woman with purple hair wearing pink underwear. It was a cartoon but the chick was hot, huge breasts and a tiny waist in this bright pink lingerie, so it made sense that his caption was #WCW. I thought nothing of it until I saw that a girl had commented underneath with the eyes emoji and some hearts.
Obviously I clicked on her page where I was absolutely floored to see that her last two posts were her on a modelling shoot wearing a PURPLE wig and BRIGHT PINK LINGERIE. The girl was a glamour model, massive fake tits and bum implants (very obvious bum implants that did not match with her thighs), she was hot though. She had over 30,000 followers on Instagram and she was clearly very popular with the mandem.
She looked identical to the picture that he had posted but I needed to be sure that I wasn’t overreacting so I screenshot his cartoon and her picture and I sent it to the group chat. My friends were already pretty sick of my shit at this point. Every time I came to them with another tale of Callum’s bull shit they were just like ‘What did you expect?’ I expected him to be the person who he had pretended to be at the beginning, that’s what. I expected him to get a job, become financially stable and then say ‘Woahhhh, I completely lost myself for a bit there, can’t believe what a wasteman I was, but I’m back on track and I’ve seen the error of my ways. Here’s £500 to say thank you, and also, I’ll never hold that comment you made against you again because you were right, it’s a minor.’ I really expected that.
Anyway, my friend’s confirmed for me that it was very clear that this glamour model, Gabriella Garcia, was definitely Callum’s WCW and so I messaged him to ask what was going on. I had a right to. We had both said that we were not seeing or talking to other people, he had made that very clear to me. He told me that even though he didn’t want to be more than friends just yet, he didn’t want us to mess things up by talking to others and I thought that we were both sticking to that. I sent him my screenshots and I said ‘Looks a lot like your WCW….’
He replied and said: ‘Rahh, It does innit, I didn’t even clock that but you’re right.’
He told me that they had never spoken and that he honestly had not seen the photoshoot of her with a purple wig and pink underwear, and I did not believe him but I accepted it, after all, what could I say? He wasn’t my boyfriend. The next day he sent me a picture of a screenshot of the girl’s picture next to the cartoon and he told me that Gabriella Garcia had slid in his DMs with that and the eyes emoji. Callum said that he replied saying ‘Uncanny’ and nothing else and so their conversation didn’t go any further. I was not feeling this situation at all and I told him so but in an indirect and bitchy way like ‘Ah well I’m sure that if you two get together she’ll make a great role model for your daughter’ and he went mad.
He went mad because I was accusing him of talking to other people when he wasn’t, and when I’m not even his girl, and he went mad because I’m supposed to be a feminist and I’m there making judgements about a woman because she takes her clothes off for a living, he was right about that part, but I was angry. I was angry and fucking jealous and I wanted him to think that she was a disgusting slag so that he would stay away from her, because unlike Alice with her burnt fish fingers, Gabriella was a threat to me.
After a day of arguing I conceded in the end. He was absolutely not wavering from his story that the cartoon was a complete coincidence and that he was not interested in her. I guess that in the back of my mind I also thought ‘What would a woman like her want with a wasteman like him?’ I should have been asking myself that question. I told him that I wanted to drop the argument but that I felt that we were really truly done this time (not sure how many times I actually said that during our relationship, it was certainly more than a dozen). I told him that I just could not take the constant battles and that the whole situation was hurting my head. I told him that I really did want to be friends but not friends with a view to becoming anything more. I still wanted to go out for my birthday because the plan was set but that I thought that we should have some space for a few days beforehand and he agreed.
A few days later I was scrolling through the insta explore page and there was a picture of the most sexy looking cream bun I had ever seen so I clicked on it, my heart dropped into my stomach when I realised that the picture was on Gabriella Garcia’s page and that the caption said:
‘When you get invited round for Michelin starred pastries you just have to forget about your waistline and stuff your face’
And Callum had commented underneath:
‘I need more….now…(with the fucking wink emoji)’
I was shaking, literally, shaking, I tried to roll a cigarette (yeah, I smoke rollies like I’m in prison, and what?) but my hands could not cope. They were quite clearly obviously seeing each other. The fucking big fucking liar. Obviously, I was aware that he was not my man, but still. This was a piss take. I screenshot her Insta pic to him with a question mark and he rang me straight away.
Him: ‘Why the fuck are you stalking her page?’
Me: ‘Actually I was not stalking her page, I saw a fucking cream bun on the explore page and because I fucking love cream buns I decided to look at it, and I must say that I was kind of surprised when I saw that it was her page and the comment underneath, you are a fucking liar Callum. All this time you are trying to accuse me of being a pathological liar and it’s because YOU ARE ONE!!!’
Him: ‘Wow, wow, just wow, look at you jumping to conclusions! So you don’t even bother to ask me what happened? Immediately you just assume that I’ve been seeing her’
Me: ‘YOU CLEARLY HAVE BEEN SEEING HER. YOU GAVE HER FUCKING CREAM BUNS. DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT GIVING ME CREAM BUNS AFTER ALL I FUCKING GAVE YOU?!!!!’
Him: ‘I knew that you would throw that all back in my face. I never asked you to help me out, you chose to do that, I was grateful don’t get me wrong but I never asked you. And now you’re using it against me. Wow. Wow. That’s low’
Me: ‘Don’t try to turn this around on me, are you actually MAD CALLUM??!! GO ON, TELL ME THE STORY THEN???’
Him: ‘Me and you are done, in fact you are actually the one who said it was done, we only got talking after me and you stopped talking. I’ve only seen her once.’
Me: (By this point I had somehow calmed down) ‘OK, so, do you like her?’
Him: ‘She’s hot, that’s obvious, she’s sexy but…..I don’t know’
Me: ‘Yes you do’
Him: ‘She’s not that bright, I don’t know, she’s a sweet girl but she doesn’t have much going on upstairs. And she kept trying to Snapchat me, I had to tell her to stop.’
I was pleased with that information but I was still massively jealous. I didn’t want to show it though. I told him that I was upset that she got the cream bun treatment and that he never did anything with me and he apologised. He said that he felt bad about that and said that he would like to still go out with me for my birthday if I hadn’t cancelled the tickets. And so I agreed. We came off the phone and he text me and told me that being with her made him miss me, he said that I was stunning, but also had old fashioned values, intelligence, a beautiful soul, and I am nasty. I took that as a compliment but I wasn’t about to fall into the trap of believing that it meant anything. I’d been knocked back too many times and I was afraid.
And so my birthday arrived, we had established that he was still broke and that I was going to be funding the night. I had bought expensive steaks and the rest of his required ingredients and the plan was that I would pick him up from work at 6pm, get back to mine for about 6.40pm, cook, eat, get ready, and get to Dalston for 9.30pm. Instead of meeting him at his work, Callum text me and asked me to pick him up from his friend’s house in Walthamstow instead. When I got there he was in gym clothes. He got in the car looking scruffy and he said, do you think I need to get changed before we go. Errrr yes bruv, they’re not having a Tramp fancy dress party…..
He had finished work early, and instead of going home and getting changed like a normal person, Callum decided to go to the gym with his friend. Without a change of clothes. And so we had to drive all the way to his brother’s in Chigwell to get his clothes, and when he was in there retrieving his stuff he took about 25 minutes, then we got stuck in mad traffic and so by the time we reached back to mine it was 8pm.
I rushed to shower and get ready while he made the food, we ate quickly. Considering how much he had bigged up his own cooking, it was pretty mediocre. I thought I looked hot. Black polo neck body with tight jeans and my Kurt Geiger thigh highs, red lipstick and curly hair. I walked into the kitchen expecting him to look at me with lust, and possibly throw me on to the kitchen table, but he barely looked up from his phone and when he did he said:
‘Is that you ready then?’
Of course it’s me ready, do I not look ready to you, fucking blind moron. I didn’t say that, I just thought it. Anyway, we drunk a Rum and ordered an Uber. Once it arrived I was already slightly merry. In the car he was fixated with his phone. After a few minutes he said:
‘Something really annoying has happened but I don’t want to tell you and spoil your night.’
Obviously you can’t just say that to someone. That’s like those people on Facebook who post statuses saying:
‘I’ve got a really exciting announcement to make, something really exciting has happened but I can’t talk about it yet for certain reasons #happy’
Just be happy innit, and tell us and make us happy once you are able to, you don’t need to make a pre-announcement announcement otherwise that is just annoying. Like Callum. You can’t say that and then not tell me. So after some lengthy persuasion he told me:
‘My daughter’s Grandmother has just called my Ex to say that she’s come here from Jamaica to surprise the family. She’s at Heathrow Airport and she needs to be picked up but my daughter is in bed and so she needs me to go there to watch her while she picks up her Nan’
What kind of dumbness was this? If Grandma can get all the way from Jamaica to Heathrow on her own I’m sure she can just jump in a cab to Hackney from Heathrow without getting too lost, plus it saves her waiting on her own at the airport for an hour. Plus, why doesn’t Grandma call one of her other relatives who don’t have young children to look after? Why does it have to be the ex that collects her?
I had a lot of questions. Callum did not know the answer to any of them. I kept offering rational solutions but Callum was sounding as though he was going to leave.
‘I try to be the best Dad and so to do that I have to support her Mum, you understand that, I would do anything for that woman and so I feel bad not doing this’
What could I say to that? That’s how it should be. I asked why his ex couldn’t just ask one of her local friends to sit in the house while she went and Callum said:
‘Are you mad? I don’t let randoms around my kid’
I explained that his daughter was asleep, and that it wouldn’t be a random, it would be his ex’s friend and Callum said:
‘Listen, I’m not like you, I don’t bring bear different people around my child’
‘Excuse me what?!’ You are the only man who has ever met J and you know it.’
‘Well for all I know you could have had a bag of man around him, you don’t always tell the truth about everything and we know that, and you bought me around him pretty quickly.’
‘ERM, YOU ACTUALLY HAD A CONVERSATION WITH MY MUM ABOUT BEING THE ONLY GUY TO HAVE MET HIM’
‘Well maybe your Mum is lying for you’
I was really upset by this. Do not call my Mum a liar and do not accuse me of bringing ‘a bag of man’ (why do I date people who speak like this?) around my child. This was highly offensive to me, I was so angry that I had to bite my lip not to cry and so I stayed silent. And so did he. And then after a minute he broke the silence and he said sorry. He grabbed my thigh, gently but hard enough for me to get a tingle and he said:
‘It’s your birthday, I wanted to make today special for you, I’m sorry. I’ve told my ex that I can’t help. I’ve chosen you OK? Can we just have a nice night?’
And so we did. Ballie Ballerson is hilarious, they serve great cocktails but you can’t take them down into the ball pit so you have to drink them quickly upstairs. The cocktails are not cheap though, a tenner each, but that didn’t stop Callum. I think I spent £100. Down in the ball pit it’s like a small rave. They played garage, house, hip-hop, the music was banging but it’s hard to dance when you’ve got balls up to your waist. Callum was the life and soul of the party. He was dashing balls at everyone and making friends. There were a group of pretty Black girls there and Callum had got into a ball throwing fight with them. I stood beside him and he didn’t acknowledge me at all. I was throwing balls at him and he was throwing balls at them. I dashed a ball at one of the girls and she dashed another one back harder and looked pissed off.
It was OK for this handsome man to throw balls at them but they did not seem to be tolerating it from random chicks who appeared to be there alone. They must have thought I was such a weirdo because I swear, he did not look at me once. I looked like a lost bystander. After a while I got bored, I had walked off and started ball fights with a few other randoms. One short Asian guy had really taken a shine to me and so we threw balls at each other for a while. There’s only so much ball throwing I can take before I get bored though and I reached my limit fairly early on.
Callum didn’t want to leave (of course he didn’t, he was the stud of Ballie Ballerson) but seeing as he has no money in his entire life he was reliant on me for transport and so I called it a night and ordered an Uber. I was drunk and extraordinarily fucked off with him by this point but I wanted to fuck him. We hadn’t slept together in weeks and I wanted it badly. I had a wax that I did not want to waste either. I really felt like he was just a big annoying fool by this point, but I decided to refrain from telling him that because I wanted to go home and have sex with him.
He was glued to his phone in the car and I promise you I really had no interest in who he was talking to, I didn’t intend to look, but my eyes caught his phone and I saw very clearly at the top of his chat ‘Gabi Garcia’. I didn’t even say anything, I just made a noise like ‘Humnphff’ and he said ‘Here we go.’
‘HERE WE GO???!!’ It’s my birthday and you’re sitting next to me texting her? You take the fucking piss Callum!’
And that was it, for the whole cab journey and for 2 hours when we got in we argued, he told me that I was crazy, he called me a liar, he demanded to see my whatsapp chats, I defended myself, I called him a liar, a dirtbag, a wasteman, he called me more bad things, I defended myself more. It was draining, so physically and emotionally draining. My voice had gone, my throat hurt, my head hurt, my eyes hurt. There was no point to our argument. It just kept going round and round, neither of us were willing to accept the other one’s point. It was pointless.
In the end we both just agreed to stop arguing and go to bed. We both kept our underwear on. I wasn’t feeling horny anymore. We lay in bed and we started holding hands and talking, on a respectful and kind level this time but we didn’t talk about us. We were past that. There was no us. We do not get on, we don’t like each other. It’s completely dead. It felt like we both accepted that. And so we just spoke about general stuff. I asked him if he had seen the Planet Earth episode with the snakes and lizards. It’s incredible, watch it if you haven’t seen it. I got my phone out to show him and said it’s amazing, really intense, you have to watch it and he said ‘No thanks’.
How can you say no thanks? If someone wants to show you a video that they are excited about then you basically have to watch it and even if it’s shit you have to be like ‘Ha! Cool’ or give some other equally semi-enthusiastic response. It’s David Attenborough, how could he say no thanks. I questioned him on this and he genuinely replied:
‘It’s just everyday snake and lizard shit’
EVERYDAY SNAKE AND LIZARD SHIT??? Does he live in Arizona? Is he regularly surrounded by camouflaged snakes who hide on mountains waiting for lizards to hatch from their eggs? Does he frequently witness new born lizards having to run for their little lives to avoid hundreds of crazy snakes? If he does he never told me about it before. Silly prick. He told me that he has a much better video about a hippo being eaten by a lion and a crocodile and then rescued alive by a herd of hippos. I told him I wasn’t interested because it was just everyday lion, crocodile and hippo shit but he made me watch it anyway. It was good to be fair, I just don’t know why he had to compete with me on who has the best animal video.
After our competition we both fell asleep and about an hour later I woke up and realised that he was next to me. I started grinding my bum against his dick sleepily and we ended up having sex. I say it like that without any description or emotion because there was none. It was quick and simple, and I don’t think either of us even fully woke up properly. The sex was dead. Our chemistry was gone. Goodbye Callum. He was now no longer required or needed for anything. I fell asleep peacefully.
At about 4am I woke up feeling mad clammy, wet in fact, he was too, I thought that he was sweating profusely and that his heat and sweat had got to me so I reached up to open the window above my bed and as I leaned my hand on the bed next to him I realised that the mattress was soaking wet. I got up and turned the light on and saw that Callum was laid in a huge wet patch, his boxers and socks were drenched. I got closer to him to see what the fuck had happened and then the stench hit me. Callum had pissed himself.
Callum had wet the bed. He was mortified. He was trying to say that he thought it was sweat but we both knew. I have a really big Super King sized bed. I had got a brand new snazzy mattress only 1 week before. I got rid of plastic bottom sheets when my son was 4 because he doesn’t wet the bed anymore and I certainly was not expecting this. He was so embarrassed that I felt sorry for him and so I was kind. I told him that it was nothing and that he didn’t need to feel stupid. Callum went to the bathroom to clean himself up and when he came back I was cleaning the bed up. He got into the bed and rolled over to my side, turned over and closed his eyes. While I was there bleaching his urine out of my £800 mattress he was having a kip.
I had to nudge him awake when I needed to put a new sheet on but I forcefully shoved him instead. I wanted to beat the shit out of him but I refrained, he would have probably killed me. He stood up while I made the bed, he didn’t say anything, and then got straight back in and fell straight back to sleep. I didn’t. I lay there awake for ages wishing that this lazy, incontinent, buffoon would get the fuck out of my bed.
I’m a breakfast person. I had agreed to drop him home the following morning but I can’t drive without breakfast and so I offered to make him some while he got ready, I told him that I was going to do bacon and eggs etc and I asked whether there was anything he didn’t like. He told me that he eats everything and so I got on with it. I made sausages, bacon, scrambled eggs, fried tomatoes, mushrooms, toast and I pan fried Chorizo and onions in butter before adding them to the baked beans, I wasn’t fucking about, it was a nice breakfast. I called up the stairs to tell him that it was ready and he shouted that he was coming. 10 minutes later he hadn’t appeared and so I went up to get him and he was laid there using his phone, in the same position I had left him in.
He came down with me and looked at his plate and the first thing he said was:
‘Urghhh, I absolutely hate baked beans and they are all over everything’
He pushed his food around his plate, most of the food didn’t have a trace of bean on it and so he ate those bits but complained that it was cold. I kept my mouth shut. Once we had finished we got in the car, and I cannot remember what he said but it must have been something that triggered me because I went off. Not loudly, or aggressively, but I basically did not stop talking for 40 minutes about how much of an utter wasteman, lying, cheating, ugly, fucked up, controlling, nasty scumbag he was. I did not hold back. When we pulled up outside his brother’s house that was it. He got out and walked away, and neither of us looked back. That was the last time I saw or heard from Callum.
On Christmas Eve everyone who grew up around here goes to the same pub, it’s a tradition, a great opportunity to catch up with old faces. Last Christmas Eve Alice was there, she said that she had noticed that I was mutual friends with Callum and she asked how I knew him. I told her that he was just a friend of a friend, I asked her how she knew him and Alice said:
‘I don’t really know him to be honest, last summer I bumped into him on the bus and recognised him from Instagram, we got talking and exchanged numbers. I had only just broken up with my Baby Father and so I wasn’t looking for anything. He came to mine and we fucked but it was shit, and he was giving off a bad vibe, he demanded that I run him a bath as soon as it was over and I told him to fuck off. He looks hot on Instagram but in real life he’s quite butters you know. And he’s not a great fuck either. After it happened he tried to contact me a few times but I wasn’t interested, and then Sara told me that he’s involved with that girl Chanel and so after that I blocked him.’
Well, whaddya know! I wasn’t even angry though you know, or upset, I was absolutely cool. In fact, I actually found it comical. I found it comical that this woman that I had taken the piss out of had actually had far more strength and self-love than I did. She saw the signals and told him to fuck off straight away. I should have been a bit more like Alice, and now I am.
On the Monday of my birthday weekend I had sat down and written my first blog Let me explain….. but I didn’t share it with anyone except for Grace. Callum had inspired me to write again, I used to love writing, I kept a diary consistently for about 10 years, that’s how I remember so much stuff for the blogs, but once I started working I let it all go. He reignited my passion for writing and I didn’t want to stop just because I wasn’t writing for him anymore. I had no plans to share it with anyone except for Grace but as soon as she read it she text me and said these exact words:
‘Layla, I had no idea you could write like this. Why have you been sitting on this? You are incredible, you could make something out of this…Lay, I think Callum was bought into your life to make you write. It wasn’t meant to work out but you didn’t take the hint. You kept trying to force it but you needn’t have. You got what you needed from him. This is going to become something big.’
I hadn’t really thought about putting it out there before and I felt nervous about it because it conflicts with my job, I’d lose my job, but I have lost love for my career now, and I love writing, I started thinking that maybe she was right. These are our messages from that day:
Me: I think it is that, I think you are so right. I’ll actually love him forever if I keep this up and actually write a book
Grace: I think so many women will relate to being that person that pays for men, or puts up with shit, looking back
Me: Liam will have a chapter, and Luke, and Ashley, and Callum, and my Dad, and J
Grace: I love this!!!!
Me: All the jokes dates, disastrous bastards
Grace: Anxiety, love, friendship
Me: Yup. Some of my friend’s big stories too. I won’t use real names but I want it to be like a guide/story/real book about love in the modern age, for women of our age
Grace: It’s gonna be a winner
Me: Like think like a man, act like a lady, but different, because that book is a pile of shit
And so it was born. You would not be here reading this if it was not for Callum. Big Up Fucking Callum. I didn’t get started for a few months. I got ill in December,a really bad chest infection, I had to have steroids, and I wasn’t really fully well until February. I hadn’t been out at all for months and I was dipping in and out of writing more chapters, and I was also completely fuckboy free apart from intermittent messages from Corey and so I was thinking more and more about setting up a proper blog page.
I follow @thepinkerprint on Insta and I noticed that she was doing a writing master class, she writes like a boss and I’ve always admired her and so I jumped on it. The class was what I needed to give me that final push to say yeah, I can do this. And so I did. I set up the blog page the next day and the rest just followed.
I am not the same woman as I was when I got involved with Callum. For the first time in my life I do not feel like I need a man, I practice LOA because it helps me to stay happy and to bring positivity into my life. I am not practicing it to get a man. I know that if and when a man is supposed to come along, he will. I am not desperate for love anymore. I have got so much self-love and I am happy. Emma and my other friends had been right about Callum, I shouldn’t have tolerated his shit for so long, I should have loved myself enough at that time to walk away from his bullshit and to heed the red flags. But Grace was also right too, Callum came into my life for a reason.
I hold no negative feelings for Callum. Callum inspired me to write and he gave me endless knowledge and material. Half the things I learnt about Fuckboys I learnt from him. Callum was a blessing from the Universe and I am glad I went through it. Callum is the last man I slept with, Callum was the final fuckboy straw. Callum is one of the best things that ever happened to me because he motivated me to start this anti-fuckboy army, and if you love this blog then he might be one of the best things that ever happened to you too (I wish I could add a wink emoji). So yeah, no more Callum, and no more of anyone like Callum. Once was a lesson, twice would be self-harm x