If you haven’t read part 1 then you need to turn back now because otherwise this won’t make sense. But if you have then here we go…… I think I need to start by saying sorry, I promised to post part 2 when I reached 4,000 followers on Instagram, I reached 4k on Saturday but I didn’t post because I was at a festival. So thank you to everyone who shared my page and got me more followers, I love you for that.
There are a couple of reasons that I haven’t managed to finish the blog in time. One of them is obviously that I went to the festival this weekend. My social life ended when I started this blog and so I usually write on weekends, but this weekend was a write off (literally) and so it hasn’t happened.
The festival was good, I went to Southport Weekender Festival in Finsbury Park, but there were only a small handful of men there who I thought were good looking. I got chatting to one guy who I liked but he was from Manchester so I thought it was a bit pointless giving him my number, I avoid dating people from South London, let alone outside of London, it’s long. I need someone who can get here quickly and spontaneously and who I don’t have to take whole weekends out to see. I’m busy, I don’t need any major distractions or hours wasted travelling to see someone and so Mr Manchester didn’t get far. He was fucking hot though, big shame.
I got approached by another guy but I was too fucked to understand that I was being chatted up. He walked alongside me and the conversation went something like this:
Him: ‘Would you mind talking to me?’
Me: ‘Why? What’s the matter? Are you OK?’
Him: ‘Yes, I just wanted to see if I could talk to you for a minute’
Me: ‘Oh my God, are you OK? Is it the drugs? Have you taken drugs and now you feel like you need someone to talk to? Where are your friends? Do you want me to help you find them?’
In the end he just walked off looking confused while my friend stood there shaking her head wondering how I could be such an idiot. So yeah, I lost that one. I spoke to one other guy, he was off his tits but pretty good looking, my type, we danced together and it was all going well until he said ‘How many kids do you have?’ I told him one and the first question he asked was ‘What colour is your Baby Father?’ I told him that he is mixed race and he said ‘I knew it, I fucking knew it.’ I asked him why, and he said ‘It’s just obvious’. I felt a bit offended by that, I don’t know why, maybe I shouldn’t have been, but I was. He told me that he had 2 children, I asked him what colour their Mother was and he said ‘Both their Mother’s are brown’. Despite this retarded conversation I decided to give him my number, he rang me from his phone so I also have his, but in the cold light of day I don’t want it.
It’s Sunday now and I’m struggling, I slept well after the festival, I didn’t go out to party, one of my friends stayed at mine and we drank green tea and smoked a joint before going to sleep at 1am, but I still feel very rough. It’s 11.35pm now and I really need sleep but I’m also desperate to get this blog done. I tried every night last week to write but I didn’t get more than a few lines done every day, normally my blogs just flow out, but this one is hard. Some of my time with Callum is a bit of a blur, I’ve been trying to think of what happened on the second date, and the third, and how it was the first time we slept together but I really just have no memory of a lot of it, even though it was relatively recent.
I think the other problem is that I have realised that I am a bit scared of Callum. Out of all the Fuckboys I have encountered I think that he would be the only one to try to fuck my shit up if he realised that I had written about him. Obviously if he reads this he will know it’s about him, even though I’ve changed his name, he was there, he went through it with me; clearly if he reads it he will know. I don’t know what he would do but I am wary, and it’s holding me back. I know that I need to get over that and just own it though, the first part is out already and he would know from that so it’s too late now anyway. But the fear is giving me writer’s block. The law of attraction would tell me that if I sit here and think about what could go wrong then it will go wrong. So I need to work on my thought processes immediately and remember that he cannot hurt me anymore. Fuck him.
So let me try again…… Following our first date I was completely addicted to Callum. He messaged me constantly and not a day went by when I didn’t get a ‘Morning beautiful’ message. I loved it, my self-esteem had been low before meeting him but he boosted it no end. Callum liked to think of himself as a bit of an Insta celeb. He’d be horrified to hear me say that, but he did. Some of my Instagram followers actually follow him. Only one woman that I know on my personal account was following him though, a woman I have known loosely for years, she’s a friend of someone that I know and we’ve bumped into each other when we have been out a few times, her name is Alice.
Alice is one of those girls who you wouldn’t worry about your man around, she’s a bit facially challenged and her body looks like it was created out of jelly. She has huge frizzy, badly dyed, jet black hair with pale roots, very pale skin, strip lashes that are always half falling off, and despite being only about 28 she looks like she’s in her mid-40s and has given birth to 3 children and an elephant. She’s not hot, and she’s not a particularly lovely person either. She posts a lot of UKIP views on her Facebook even though she absolutely loves Black men, and she posts a lot of stuff about people coming here and taking our jobs, even though she is unemployed and on benefits.
Alice was not a threat. I asked him how he knew her and he said that she was just a random follower but that they had bumped into each other on the street once and she stopped him to say that she knew him from Instagram. He said that she was hideous but that she begged him to follow her and she got excited when he did. He told me that Alice DM’d him later that evening and told him how good he looked in real life and she invited him over. When he said no Alice proceeded to send him some questionable nudes. He said that she looked like a 50 year old prostitute and that the nudes made him feel sick, we laughed about it. We would take the piss out of her Insta posts, she would post food pics of her dinner of fish fingers and burnt oven chips with the caption ‘Get you a girl that can do both’. I don’t know what the fuck she meant by that, look rough and cook badly perhaps, I don’t know. But like I said, she was no threat.
Callum had a massive ego, he looked good, especially in pictures and so he had an open Instagram profile with a couple of thousand, mainly female, followers. He used to post a lot of pictures of himself, gym progress pictures, pictures of him eating out with his daughter, pictures of him in flash clothes on nights out, and lots of deep, motivational, and inspirational quotes. To look at Callum’s Instagram you would think he was doing very well in life. Not sofa surfing at his Baby Mum’s and jumping train barriers because he couldn’t afford to top up his Oyster card.
Things were going well between us though, despite his poverty stricken lifestyle. We were still sending each other stories, and in his typical Mr Grey way he was making me work to receive mine. I’d have to perform little tasks or send him pictures posed in exactly the way that he requested and if I didn’t do exactly as he said then I wouldn’t get my story until I had done what he wanted me to do. I lived for his writing and for the way he made me feel. His stories told me loud and clear that he was falling for me and the feeling was completely mutual. He started posting indirects on Insta, quotes about meeting someone who blows you away with captions about how his future was looking up, he never tagged me though.
I really wanted a boyfriend, I had been single for so long and I was craving intimacy and love, he was completely open about the fact that he really wanted the same things. I wanted to spend all my spare time with him, but there was a problem. Callum had approximately 37 pence to his name and he was homeless, so if we wanted to meet then it would have to be at my house, and I’d have to pick him up and drop him home too. It was all a bit long but I went with it because I was lonely and I liked him.
As I said before, I don’t know if it’s just because I’ve smoked a joint, or whether the meetings were not particularly memorable, but the bit after the first date has become a bit of a blur. I can’t remember any details other than that I really liked him and I really liked building a relationship with his penis even more. The sex was not at all how I expected it to be. It was deep and intense, he was very dominant, but it was more like making love with a bit of choking and bum slapping (mine not his) thrown in for good measure. The first date was weird and freaky, but the sex on the whole wasn’t, in fact, we spent a lot more time talking than we did fucking, sex was not the first thing on our agenda.
He was dominant and controlling but more so outside of the bedroom, not always in an obvious way though. He would tell me stories about things that ex-girlfriend’s had done to piss him off and how he had cut them off as a result, so I would try to remember those things to make sure that I wouldn’t piss him off.
He grew up witnessing extreme domestic violence and he told me how when he got older he banned his Mum from leaving the house. It was essentially in her best interests, but the way he told me about it, about how he locked her in and wouldn’t let her leave for weeks, it was sinister. He told me a few sinister stories about hurting people. Things he had done when he was on the roads in his younger days. He told me a lot, and I appreciated and respected him for that, but I knew in the back of my mind that he had a dark side and that doing anything to upset him would probably be a bad idea. He made that very clear.
He rang me up once to tell me that he had just helped his friend to set a girl up. His friend had met a girl on Tinder who lived in Bristol. He lived in London and for their first date she came down to his for the weekend, by Wednesday she still hadn’t left and Callum’s friend was starting to catch feelings for her. One night he was going out to work and had left the girl at his house, he wanted to test whether she was really ‘wifey material’ so he unfriended Callum on Insta and got him to follow the girl, like a few of her pics and then slide in her DMs, which he did. The girl promptly responded and told him that she was single and not seeing anybody. They spoke for a couple of hours and when he asked her to send nudes she obliged with a picture of her tits, which he screenshot and sent to his friend before blocking her.
His friend then went back to the house when he finished work at Midnight and threw the girl out into the streets of London with no money and a low battery on her phone, 100 miles from home. I don’t know if she got home safely or not. Callum said his friend was an idiot, he said that he should have gone back there silently and not said a word and then fucked the girl violently until she was screaming for him to stop before cumming in her and then chucking her out with cum running down her legs, unless she liked that kind of thing, in which case he thought that he should have fucked her with no energy, just a dead fuck, make her feel like she’s the shittest fuck in the world, and then chuck her out full of his cum.
I told him that was fucked up, that she had done something wrong but that sexual violence didn’t need to come into it, that she didn’t need to be humiliated or put in an unsafe position; and that actually, the friend hadn’t even given her a label yet, and so although what she did was disrespectful, it wasn’t actually breaking any rules, and that regardless of any of that, I just don’t think you should respond to being fucked over by trying to fuck someone over even harder. I took his response to this as a warning sign, I felt uncomfortable with his misogynistic attitude, but he listened to what I said and he acknowledged what I meant and didn’t disagree, so I put it to one side and forgot about it.
Whenever Callum stayed over at mine, we had to force ourselves to stop talking so that we could get some sleep. We were lying in bed talking one night and he was telling me about a crazy ex-girlfriend of his. He said that she had turned psychotic after they broke up and about a year after they split she had sneaked into his house one night while he was sleeping and texted every girl in his phone book to say that she was his girlfriend. He only found out when he woke up to a load of weird messages. The crazy ex’s name was Chanel. You might remember that on the first date he got a call at 4am from someone called Chanel, he didn’t answer, apparently she was his cousin. But yeah, even though I was still clearly making stupid decisions back then (way back, 10 months ago), I was not completely naïve and this looked very fishy, so I raised my findings with him immediately and he said:
‘Wooow, just wow, so there’s only one person called Chanel in the whole world now?’
We all know what that man-wow means….it means he’s buying himself a few seconds to come up with an outstanding lie. I explained that I found it odd and he told me that he found it odd that I was getting insecure about it. He made me feel stupid for putting two and two together and making (Chanel No.) five so I dropped the subject. After a few minutes of silence he started telling me how much he hates women who are insecure and jealous about other women, he told me that it is his biggest turn off and how just then was the first time he had seen it from me, he told me that it was making him worried and that we should end things now if this was the type of behaviour that I was going to be coming with.
I assured him that I am not insecure and that I felt like it was a reasonable thing to point out and he told me that if I was that secure then I wouldn’t have even noticed the fact that they both had the same name. I shut up about it, I didn’t want to throw a spanner in the works. We hadn’t had the ‘what are we?’ conversation yet and although I felt as though we were naturally heading into a certified relationship, we had only been talking for a month or so and so I didn’t want to fuck anything up by trying to put a label on it too early. Because of the amount of time that we spent talking, voice noting, and video calling each other I was pretty certain that he wasn’t talking to anyone else, and I certainly wasn’t and so I just dropped it.
And so we continued, it was all good, the mental and physical connection that we had was enough to motivate me to want to stay. It motivated me to want to look after him too. I didn’t see him as a wasteman, I saw him as a hardworking grafter who was going through a rough patch in order to better his life and I was happy to support him in whichever way that I could. He would never ask me for anything, but he would tell me that he was struggling to figure out how he would get to work and so I started lending him money here and there, nothing big, just a tenner at a time, but it soon mounted up. He hated it, he told me that he really didn’t want me to. One day he got angry with me when I asked him if he needed me to lend him any money. He snapped at me for making things awkward and he said:
‘A normal person would just transfer the money and do it as a surprise, when you ask me it puts me in a position, of course I need it but I don’t want to feel like I am begging’
Despite this I felt compelled to help him, and so I listened to what he had said and every now and then I would transfer money into his account without telling him. I was so into him, I couldn’t see someone who I liked so much struggling and I absolutely knew that once he was back on his feet he would be balling and that I would be well looked after. My own cash flow was starting to get tight though, being a single Mother of one biological child and one adopted man-child was starting to effect my budget.
I topped up his Oyster and I made him food for his freezer so that he could have something to take to work a few days a week. Once I complained at Nando’s because I got a shit meal so they gave me a voucher for 4 free main meals and I gave it to him. He was so reluctant to take anything from me but he would tell me that it was going to be impossible for him to see me for a couple of weeks until he got paid because he couldn’t travel, and I couldn’t cope with the thought of not seeing him, and so I did everything I could to try to make life easier for this man who was bringing so much joy to mine and to make sure that I could see him as often as possible. Honestly, I was more than happy to overlook the brokeness and to support him because he was giving me such commitment, friendship, and great sex. I really liked him. I felt like he appreciated everything that I did so much and I felt valued by him.
He generally came to mine when my son was at his Dad’s or he would stay over and I’d pay for him to get a cab in the morning before my son woke up. One day I had arranged for him to come to mine in the evening, my Mum had picked my son up after school, while I was at work, and she was with my son at my house. Callum was supposed to come to mine at 7pm but he had finished his course early and was hanging around with nothing to do so I told him to meet me at my work which was just a bus ride away from his college. I rang my Mum and told her to get J out of the way so that I could sneak Callum into the house and hide him in my bedroom without J seeing.
I had never introduced a man to my son before. I didn’t want to introduce him to Callum until I was completely sure about him. I don’t think it’s healthy for a child to be introduced to a string of people. I think it’s important to introduce a solid long term partner to your child but I don’t think that should happen until you are completely certain that they aren’t going anywhere. Shit happens, relationships end unexpectedly and that’s a good lesson for children, it’s a life lesson, but I don’t think that it’s a lesson that they need to learn over and over again.
My Mum said that I was being ridiculous, she said that it was absolutely mad to sneak Callum into my house. She said that if I trusted him enough to let him into my house then I should trust him enough to be kind to my son. She also said that I have introduced J to loads of my male and female friends and that there is really no difference. It hasn’t damaged my son emotionally to be introduced to my friends and so why should Callum be any different. She said that I just needed to say that Callum was my friend and that as J was only 5 he would not be sitting there wondering whether I was secretly dating Callum, he would just take it for what it was, one of Mummy’s friends coming over for dinner.
I felt weird about it but I had no choice because otherwise Callum would have to stand outside my house for 2 hours while I sorted J out and got him to bed. And so it happened. Callum met my Mum and J and they both fell in love with him. He was so lovely with J. That’s the benefit of dating someone with children, they know the score, they know that kids love to be chased around while you pretend to be a monster, they know how to talk to children, they know how they would want their child to be treated and so they have the required skills to deal with other people’s children. The way that J took to him just made me fall for Callum even harder. He met him one more time after that, but J still asks after him now. He’s not emotionally traumatised by not being able to see him again, he doesn’t really care, he asks after lots of my friends, but Callum certainly made an impact on him.
Callum had his final exams coming up on a Friday in early October. I told him that I wanted to go out so that we could celebrate, he was reluctant because of the money thing but I didn’t give a fuck. I wanted us to go out like a normal couple instead of just going to mine or going to the gym together, that was pretty much all we did. I booked us a table at M restaurant in Victoria, it’s a nice restaurant, I think the chef has a Michelin star but they had an offer for 3 courses with unlimited Prosecco for £39 each. I could afford that, I didn’t think it was pushing the boat out too much. I booked the table for the Friday night of his last exam and I was really excited about it.
We are both massive foodies, he’s a great cook and so I sent him the menu and we spoke about what we wanted to order and how we should both order different things so that we would have the chance to try everything. We were bantering and I said something like ‘OK cool, I’m going to cook some chicken nuggets and bring them in my bag for you’ (it related to something we had joked about before). I got the blue ticks and then nothing. This was around 7pm on a Monday a couple of weeks before the date of the dinner.
I saw him go on and off line on Whatsapp multiple times throughout that night but he never responded. I felt a pang of anxiety but I wasn’t too worried because things were great between us and there was no reason for him to suddenly go cold, but when I woke up the next day and saw him online and I still hadn’t had a response I felt as though something was very wrong. I left it for a few hours and I messaged Grace and Emma to tell them what was happening and that I was freaking out.
Both of them gave me different responses. Emma was already very anti-Callum. Emma knew that I was basically supporting him, she knew that I had pretty much signed up to some kind of weird Oxfam Sponsor a Wasteman initiative but I couldn’t see it. She had been trying to make me see sense for ages, when I look back at the messages now I look like such a dickhead. She’d be saying:
‘You are a grown woman with a career and a child, if he’s starting from scratch it’s going to be a good 2 -3 years before he’s on his feet, have you got that kind of time to waste?’
And I would reply:
‘But he’s so smart and hard working, I really feel that it’s not always going to be this way. He gives his daughter’s Mum £400 a month, he had a place and a good job but he jacked it in to better himself. I’m willing to see how things go.’
Grace is a big believer in The Law of Attraction and the Universe, Grace believes that people are sent to us for a reason, and whether it’s because they are our soul mates or just there to teach us a lesson, we should trust in the Universe and let it take us where we need to go, I always listen to Grace because I think the same way that she does. So Emma was telling me that this was weird and that I should fuck him off, and Grace was telling me to chill and to message him and that she was sure that there was nothing going on. So I messaged him about 24 hours after I had last messaged him, all easy breezy and casual, I decided not to mention the fact that he didn’t reply to my last message, so I just came with a little banter, and he replied ‘Lol’.
Fucking LOL, are you having a fucking laugh? You’re probably not even actually laughing, with your dead LOL, you big lolling cunt. Nothing can piss me off more than a single LOL, well maybe a WOW, but a single LOL with no follow up is basically just a ‘Fuck off, I’m bored.’ So I left it, whilst raging silently inside. In the mean time I posted a few fire selfies on Instagram and he did not like any of them, but he had always liked all of my pics before. In my gut I knew that something was very off. You can’t go from intensely speaking to someone all day every day for over a month to lolling them off after 24 hours of silence.
But anyway, once again I left it and poured out my anxiety into the group chat. Everyone told me to relax and to message him to tell him how I felt. Over the next couple of days he got in touch once or twice but never with anything that gave me any confidence that something wasn’t seriously wrong between us, and he continued to not like any of my pictures, but yet he was liking other women’s posts (I knew this because I was checking).
Then he posted a picture on Instagram, a meme that said something like ‘Dope souls need dope souls’ and underneath a girl commented ‘You know this bae’ with the couple emoji, a heart emoji and a diamond ring. I was raging, the girl’s page was on private so I couldn’t check her out but I looked at all of his pics and noticed that she had liked every one and had left loving emojis under most of them. I went back to the pic to post a host of loving emojis of my own and noticed that it had been deleted.
I messaged him to ask him why he had done that, and he said that he didn’t actually know the girl who had commented, he said that she keeps leaving comments on his pictures and it’s pissing him off and that he deleted it because he knew that people would look at it and start thinking that something was going on between them. I asked why it would worry him if people thought that, like who are these people that might think that, and he said friends and family. I didn’t want to come across as too keen because of the current vibe and so I just left it and took this as an opportunity to have a lighted hearted conversation. I got one reply back, and then a lol, and then I burst into tears.
The following morning I rang him and told him that I had had enough of playing games and that I was feeling like things had gone tits up and that I was devastated. He apologised profusely, he told me that nothing had changed, he said that he was still falling for me hard but that he had been studying for his exams and so he had been a bit off the radar. I told him that I felt insecure because I had seen him liking other women’s pictures on Instagram and that he hadn’t liked any of mine in a week. He told me that he hadn’t seen any of mine and that if he had he would have liked them, because I’m sexy and gorgeous and he can’t wait to see me, and fuck me, and hold me down.
And so all was well in the world again. I told him how the lack of communication made me feel and he promised that he would step it up but that it might not be as frequent as it was before because he had to knuckle down and focus on his exams and that once this next week was over that things would go back to normal. I gave him some big long reply of relief and he sent me a big long nice message back about how amazing I was, and I responded, and then he left me on read for 24 hours. I was sent straight back into a state of anxiety again.
It was the weekend before our big celebration meal and I’d hardly heard from him, and although I accepted that it was because of his exams I also felt as though, because he knows how it’s making me feel, he should really honour that by at least giving me a good morning and good night message. But no. I got nothing.
I woke up on the Sunday morning to be greeted with Insta pictures and snapchats of him on a night out with his friend’s having a whale of a time. I was confused about how he was affording to go out for a wild night out when he couldn’t afford a bag of chips, and I was also confused about how he had found the time to arrange this broke man’s bonanza whilst he was so intensely focused on his exams. This was the final straw for me, why hadn’t he invited me, we had never had a night out because he was way too broke and now he’s out gallivanting around like he isn’t on the verge of starvation . I messaged him saying ‘Good night was it?’ and he responded ‘I’m wounded’. That was it. I wanted to smash his face in and demand that he give me my Nando’s vouchers back.
I waited until the Monday and I still hadn’t heard from him and so I decided that I had had enough. I rang him but he didn’t answer and so I left him a voice note on Whatsapp that said something along the lines of:
‘I can’t carry on like this anymore. Things were brilliant and amazing and I thought that you felt the same, but the last week or so has been weird, I don’t know where I stand. I don’t know what’s going on. You say that you are too busy to message me yet you go off on nights out, you don’t like my pictures on Instagram but I can see you liking other people’s. The whole thing is making me feel insecure and I explained that to you already. I gave you the chance to make changes and you promised that you would but you haven’t. I’m so sad to say this, but I think we are done Callum.’
He listened to it and called me straight away. He told me that he couldn’t believe that I would just say it was done like that without talking to him first, and that things would not be done until he decides that they are done. I told him that I had spoken to him but that he obviously hadn’t listened. And then I said:
‘Listen, we are both clearly talking to other people….’
He interrupted and said:
‘What the fuck??? Are you for real? Are you fucking kidding me?
And then he put the phone down.
I don’t know why I said it. I really don’t. I hadn’t spoken to one man since the day I started talking to him. I wasn’t interested in anyone else but I was beginning to believe that the cause of our relationship unraveling was because he must have met someone else and I didn’t want to feel like some foolish dickhead being faithful to a man who was clearly trying to distance himself from me and so I blurted it out.
I didn’t think about it before I said it, it just spilled out of my mouth. I guess in a way I was trying to pave the way for him to admit that he was actually seeing someone else. But anyway, it backfired hugely, and he told me that I had completely broken his heart. That he had seen a future with me and that a lot of that was based on how loyal I was, how real I was, and how he knew that he could completely trust me. He told me that I had destroyed all of that with one comment. He said that the reason for his distance was purely because of his exams and that he thought he had ‘secured me’. He said that the groundwork had been done on our relationship, we were solid, we both knew how we felt about each other, even if we didn’t speak every day. He said that the night out had been unplanned, that his cousin had turned up and forced him to go out and paid for everything.
I scrambled to take it back, I tried to explain that it hadn’t been true and the reasons why I had said it but he wasn’t having it. He put down the phone on me and when I tried to call back he didn’t answer, I called 5 times but he kept sending me to the engaged tone. I had fucked it. I called Grace in hysterics. I hadn’t wanted to end it, I had wanted him to change, I guess that I half meant it when I told him it was over because I was sick of being in a state of anxiety, but really what I wanted was for him to realise how much this was all getting to me and to change it. I wanted the threat of me ending it to make him fix up. But then I made that comment and that was it. Fucked.
You know when you just really wish that you could rewind time. I was so angry with myself. I forgot about the bullshit of the past two weeks and I tortured myself by listening to sad music, reading back over the stories that he had sent me, his Instagram captions that I believed were indirectly about me, the voice notes he had sent, our first messages on Facebook, I poured over it all, painfully realising that I had completely shattered something good because I had been so infatuated with him that 5 minutes of no contact felt like 5 days and so 24 hours felt like 24 years and I was not content enough within myself to be able to feel the absence of him for that long without panicking. I was broken. I was so broken that I forgot that actually, he had been an absolute cunt for the last couple of weeks, and that really I wasn’t missing anything because I hadn’t even seen him.
The next day I messaged him to tell him that I was sorry, that I was due on and that I was behaving irrationally. That he needed to give me a chance to explain myself. I apologised for lying about speaking to other people but that genuinely, it was a lie. I reiterated the point that he wasn’t innocent here and that he hadn’t been treating me well and that the night out was a piss take. He told me that he needed to take a step back, and that his feelings had changed and that now he realised that I was not the person that he had been falling for. I told him that he should judge me on everything that I had shown him during the time that we were together and not just on one comment. But he was done. He clearly told me that he didn’t want to hear from me for a while and that he would be in touch when he felt ready.
I was devastated. And so I decided to write. I’m actually quite embarrassed by this but I’ll show you anyway. This is what I sent him, this will give you an indication of where my mind was at back then:
I fucked up and I knew I had. Emotions and hormones got the better of me and I fucked up. And now I’m standing here with your hand around my throat, telling me you’re going to leave and I don’t know what to do. It hurts, but I don’t want you to let go because if you do you might never come back, and the story was not supposed to end like this. It wasn’t supposed to end. My story is already written, and my co-writer is you.
I’ve never struggled at life, I’m a take the bull by the horns kind of girl. Nothing throws me. I don’t take any shit and I stride confidently through situations that might throw other people off track. I’m that real friend, the one who will tell you when you are fucking up and who will give you life advice that will have you achieving anything you want to achieve, I should charge for that shit. I say it how it is, no holds barred. I don’t entertain bullshit and when I sniff it out I walk away, no feelings spared.
So how did we end up here. Naked, your huge body towering over me, every muscle on show as your anger and hurt spills out of your body. Goosebumps all over my skin as my terror becomes a bodily feeling, I’m not scared of you, not physically, even physical pain is a pleasure when it is caused by you. But I’m scared of what I’ve done and frightened about what’s going to happen next. As I watch your perfect body completely controlling every pore of my body and mind I crave the feeling of you inside me.
If only you would hold me down and fuck me, fuck it out of me, show me how fucking stupid I’ve been by fucking me so hard that my brain resets and my emotions regulate and I get back to being that fearless woman who you first met. If you cum in me, deep, deep in me, then I’ll have all of you inside me again, territory marked. Owning me again. Because when I’m owned by you I can take on the world again knowingly, with strength and clear vision. But right now my vision is blurred. I fucked up and I don’t know how to fix it.
I think back to that day, in the gym, that day I knew that I would let you do anything to me, I wanted to remind you of that day, how it made us both feel. That’s the story I want to continue writing. Not this one. Because this one’s ending gives me writers block. I don’t know where it goes from here…..
I cringe every time I read that. What a desperate fool I was. He responded with a sad face emoji but that was it. I was in turmoil for the next 2 days until finally he rang me. He told me that I should cancel our table booking because there was no way he wanted to go anywhere with me. I begged him to give me another chance, I went on and on about what an honest person I am but he wouldn’t budge. He told me that he couldn’t trust me anymore, that he couldn’t take anything I said seriously and that if we were ever going to start again then we would need to start from a friendship, no love interest and that if I was able to prove myself in a friendship then perhaps everything could change, but it wouldn’t be quickly. It could take months or years, or maybe we would never be anything more than friends.
And so that’s how it was. We didn’t speak for a week and then I messaged him to tell him that I missed him and we spoke, in fact we back and forth whatsapp’d all day and we continued to do so for a few days. We flirted but our conversation was just banter. We didn’t talk about ‘us’. And then we didn’t speak for a week until he messaged me to tell me that he had passed his exams with flying colours and so I told him that I would love to take him to the same restaurant that we had booked before to celebrate, just as friends, and he agreed.
I was massively excited. I booked it for a week later, at the same time as booking in for a wax, brows, mani and pedi. I felt like he was ready to forgive me. We carried on speaking during that week and then on the night before we were supposed to go out to eat he rang me, he told me that he needed to cancel because he felt that it would be dishonest of him to eat at an expensive restaurant seeing as he is still so broke. He knew that it was my treat and I reassured him that there was nothing dishonest about it.
He explained that it would be dishonest because he’s a foodie and so he has to put pictures of nice meals on Instagram and that if he did that, then his friends and family who had been helping him out would be questioning how he could afford to eat out. So I told him that there was quite a simple solution to this, he could just not post pictures on the gram, and he said that would be dishonest too, he said he posts all of his meals out on Instagram and so he would be behaving deceitfully if he didn’t post this one.
I told him that this was all completely mental but he went on and on about being an honest person and that perhaps that was why I couldn’t understand his way of thinking, because we are not on the same wave length when it comes to honesty, and so the meal was cancelled and I was angry and so we didn’t speak for a bit. But I still felt lost and distressed, and despite the fact that he was a complete idiot, I desperately wanted him back. After a week I messaged him and said:
‘Hey, you came up on my explore page as someone I might know but I am sure that I would remember you if I knew you……’
That was the first message I had ever sent him. Once I had got to know Callum and we were a few weeks in, I had revealed to him that I hadn’t really seen him on the explore page and that I thought that he had been my good karma for helping a stranger with job applications, he loved the fact that I thought I had manifested him. I sent that message to him because I wanted to go back to the beginning. I told him that I wanted to start a fresh and so I was taking it back to where we started and he said:
‘Well look at that… this says it all…. You actually started with a lie. I’m not saying that you are an evil or a bad person, but you are a dishonest person. It comes naturally to you to lie’
‘I’m not having that, how dare you! That is actually ridiculous’
‘About how dare I!’ You lied in the first message you ever sent me. Go on now, justify it… tell me it’s only a little white lie – about how dare I! I haven’t said anything that’s not true but you are a compulsive liar’
I explained that it was not a harmful lie and that it was insane that he was calling me out on this but he went on and on about how I had proved him right about me being a compulsive liar by reminding him of that first message, and I stayed on Whatsapp for hours, begging for him to drop all this shit, to remember what we had together. I told him again that I had proved myself over and over but he was not having it and I was getting sick of pleading and having to justify myself and so I let it go.
I still felt gutted that he wouldn’t change his mind but I didn’t have the energy to keep trying to persuade him that I am not a liar, and so I told myself that this had to be it, I have a million flaws but being dishonest or a compulsive liar is not one of them. If anything I am too honest. I was angry about having to try to defend my character and I was fucked off that he had got me so wrong. I deleted his number and unfollowed him on all social media (but I didn’t block him, I still wanted him to see my posts). I was very clear this time, we were finally done for good.
The blog is now at 8,000 words and I need a break and I am sure you do too, so this Wasteman is going to get a part 3, because unfortunately the story did not end there……x