timing

If you read the last blog then you’ll know that I was giddy with excitement over a man who I was talking to. We had spoken for a while on Instagram but when we swapped over to what’s app we went into a full blown ‘cannot get enough of talking to each other’ zone and I straight up thought I had found my future husband. We were voice noting and video calling until the early hours of the morning every day and the man made me laugh to the point of almost requiring a Tena Lady. He didn’t have a lot of pictures on Insta but from our video calls I was fairly certain that I would fancy him, although I was also very much of the mind-set that it didn’t actually matter, because the way the vibe between us was going I wouldn’t have cared if he looked like Carlton Banks.

He lives 100 miles away from me but he was working in London on Friday and I was flying to Amsterdam with a friend on Saturday morning and so we decided that he should book a hotel in London on the Friday night, I would stay with him and leave for the airport from there. We hadn’t really broached the subject of sex, and apart from a couple of innuendos our conversations had been pure and clean. That was one of the reasons why I liked him so much, it wasn’t about my tits or my arse, it was about my mind and that was (sadly) a refreshing thing for me. We discussed the fact that just because we were going to be staying the night together sex was not going to be on the menu and he was cool with that, but I had a wax the night before anyway.

I would highly not recommend committing to staying the night with someone before you have even met them. It’s just not a good move, you don’t know how you’re going to feel about them in person, and you cannot guarantee your safety. First meetings should be kept brief and casual so that you can escape quickly if you need to. Dinners are a bad idea, drinks are OK, but the ideal is a coffee or just a walk in the park or something. But I am me, and I fly head first into everything like a pig on a mud slide and so of course, I did not practice what I preach and I just went ahead and committed to the hotel.

Last week was a struggle for me. I only started this blog and the Insta page about 3 months ago. It’s growing faster than I had expected and it has dawned on me that I could really make something of this, like, I could actually change my life, and the lives of others, and pave a more financially comfortable future for my son if I put my all into this. I’ve been in my job for 11 years, I used to love it, but working for a charity trying to help vulnerable people to build better lives is near on impossible under a conservative government who’s cuts are hitting the most deprived people the hardest. It’s soul destroying and I feel burnt out, but I’m good at it, it’s all that I know, and I need to pay the bills, and so I feel like I am stuck. But this blog is the light at the end of the tunnel and because of that I am dedicating all of my spare time to it.

It’s doing wonders for keeping me Fuckboy free because I just simply do not have the time to entertain any shit. My line has been dead and it’s been great having no distractions, but last week my focus was entirely on the new guy and I barely paid any attention to the blog, until I realised that it was about time that I needed to get one out and I had to frantically write for 2 days on very little sleep. It made me feel uneasy. In the last blog I said that I would trust the Universe to help me to find the perfect balance between having a child, a man, a career, and the blog, but my gut was not entirely feeling that. My gut was telling me that now is not the right time to be starting something new. I was loving talking to him, he was making me happy, but I was losing motivation for the blog and that was making me feel scared.

Initially I had felt as though the fact that he lived far away was a blessing because it would mean I wouldn’t have to see him loads but then it dawned on me that I’d probably end up having to spend whole weekends with him and that sent me into a panic. I began to think that maybe I am not ready for a relationship. Emotionally and mentally I am, but I really don’t think that this is the right time for me. I have to give this 100% and I just don’t know how I can fit that in around a man, or fit a man in around all of this.

I didn’t tell him any of this before the date, I was battling with myself in my head anyway, I was trying to keep an open mind and so I didn’t want to announce it until I had met him in case I suddenly felt completely differently. I wanted to feel differently because I didn’t want to miss out on the perfect man, a man who I’ve been striving to meet for all my adult life, just because of bad timing, and so I went ahead with our plans to spend the night together.

We met at Victoria Underground station, I was flying from Gatwick so it made sense. We agreed to meet near the bus stand at 5pm. It was a sunny afternoon and it felt nice to be out in London, I was excited to meet my Mr Big, even though I was also filled with anxiety. He was waiting for me as I arrived. He looked exactly how I had expected him to look, his style was impeccable, he had swag, and there were no hidden surprises apart from the fact that he looked much younger than I had expected.

He’s 29, so there’s a 6 year age gap which I didn’t think was a biggie, but it was. He’s average height, maybe slightly shorter than average and although he’s well built, he’s slim. I felt like I looked older than him. I think I look my age, I look good – I don’t mind looking my age, but I definitely look like I’m somewhere between 30-35 and no younger, and he could have passed for 22. I didn’t fancy him. It was instant. He was good looking but there was nothing there. I don’t know if it was a chemistry thing, or if I had caused it by panicking about not wanting a relationship, or because he looked young. Whatever it was, it was shit, because I literally had no fanny flutters, no urge to kiss him, no fireworks to make me change my mind about staying man free. Nothing. The feeling was not mutual though.

We hugged and headed off in the direction of a bar that we were going to before having dinner. It was nice to be with him and to meet him face to face, but I had this deep sense of dread in my stomach about how I was going to break it to him that my feelings had changed. He held my hand as we walked down the street and he told me how beautiful he thought I was and how excited he was about everything that was happening between us. I wanted to cry. We passed a shop and I liked some shoes in the window but said that I didn’t want to bother going in because I was tight on cash this month as I’m going on 2 holidays, and so he told me that he wanted to buy them for me. I wouldn’t let him, but he wanted to. He’s the type of guy that wants to look after a woman. Not just materially but completely. He’s a real gentleman.

We got to the bar and had a drink and we both loosened up a little. I was warming to him and beginning to find him more attractive, I felt relaxed around him and he was making me laugh and so some of my anxiety subsided. The bar was a good idea. We left around 7.30pm and went to get some Dim Sum. As we walked to the restaurant a woman rushed past me with a suitcase, she accidentally barged me but I was cool with that, she clearly had a train to catch, I understood. But he clearly didn’t, he let go of my hand and shouted at the woman loudly as she marched away. I was embarrassed, it was unnecessary, but he stopped as soon as I pulled him up and he apologised. It was a dolls house sized red flag.

Dinner was perfect, the food was great, exceptional in fact. My guy hadn’t eaten Dim Sum before so he left it down to me to order the food which pleased me no end. I’m a foodie so I was excited to introduce him to new things and he was appreciative of the culinary lessons, but I was quite taken aback when he bit into a sesame prawn toast and then gave me a high five. He said that it was one of the best things he’d ever had in his life, it was his first ever sesame prawn toast. I was in shock, out of all the foods I’d ordered I didn’t expect that to be a new thing for him. How can this be? I really thought that everyone knew about sesame prawn toast, it’s a common thing right? They sell them in fucking Iceland (the cheap food shop, not the country, although I’m sure Icelandic people are aware of sesame prawn toast too).

I don’t know, maybe I’m over-analysing it. But anyway, I didn’t judge him on that, I actually found it cute, I was just quite astounded to get a high five over sesame prawn toast. I do judge men on how they have their steak though. I’m sorry but I could not date a man who has his steak well done, it’s just not happening for me. It’s one of the first things I ask when I start talking to a man. How he has his steak shows me his level of foodieness, and we have to be on the same level with that. I know it sounds idiotic. Perhaps this is why I am still single.

We left the restaurant after a long and lovely meal and we waited at Victoria for a Bus to take us to the hotel as it was only one stop. I noticed that there was a lone suitcase at the Bus stop. We asked the people around us if it belonged to anyone and nobody claimed it so we both started to feel a bit worried and we alerted a member of staff who was stood near to us. The station staff member did not give a shit. We told him that there was unattended baggage at the bus stop and he just said ‘OK, I’ll be back later’. All of a sudden a woman appeared out of nowhere and said ‘Ahhh, my bag, it looks dodgy and you guys were standing right near it’ jokingly.

Mr Big suddenly snapped and launched a verbal tirade at this woman. She and I were both as shocked as each other. I had to pull him up and apologise to the lady. He was saying ‘But how can she just jump out and say ‘ohhhh you were standing by my bags? Am I a dickhead?’ he was saying this loud enough for her to hear and again I had to apologise. That pissed me off, it was unnecessary. The red flag grew in size but he calmed down and we laughed and he told me that he was just nervous around me and so he was reacting like a weirdo. He said more nice things and then he put his arms around me and I softened to him again.

The bus was taking ages and so we decided to get a cab instead, we queued at a taxi rank but I had got into the queue first, when he jumped in to join me a man behind us told him to get to the back of the queue. My guy went mad, he flung his arm around me and shouted ‘This is my other half, if I was going to jump the queue why wouldn’t I just jump straight to the front? Am I a dickhead?’ Once again, I had to pull him up, but this time he was arguing with me, not aggressively, but he was really arguing his point about the fact that it should have been obvious that he was not queue jumping because if he was he’d have gone to the front. This was my final red flag. The thing about all of those incidents is that I think that he was doing it to show me that he could protect me. I don’t think he’s an aggressive or violent guy. He’s genuinely a sweetheart. I think he probably felt my vibe and was magnetically compelled to do some crazy shit in an attempt to woo me. It’s a male thing.

Despite all this we went back to the hotel, I had to get to the airport in a few hours and it was just impossible to think about going all the way back home and coming back again and so I decided to stay with him, by that point I had reached my decision though. Despite the fact that we get on, he makes me laugh, he’s a gentleman, he would treat me like a queen, he wants to give his all to me, he’s a decent guy, he’s not a fuckboy…..despite ALL of that, I just wasn’t feeling it. It was just the wrong time. We rolled up a joint after we got settled and we went to sit outside to smoke. He started talking about booking a holiday together and I had to stop him and lay it out. I told him that I wasn’t ready for a relationship, I explained everything about the blog and how I needed to stay focused. He told me that was fine, we could work around it, just go for weekends away every now and then. I told him that I couldn’t offer the levels of time that I had been giving him and he said that it was cool, we would speak less.

He offered me a million solutions and a million counter-arguments for how we could make it work. I felt pain for him, I felt guilty and I felt sad but I knew that I had made the right decision. We went up to the hotel room and I got changed into pyjamas in the bathroom. I felt weird knowing that we had both been expecting to have a kiss at the very least and that now we were about to sleep in the same bed under the most awkward circumstances. As we lay there I was drawn to hold him and so I did, I grabbed him in the tightest embrace and I said ‘I am so, so sorry’. He was hurting and I could feel it, I was hurting too. I started to cry, I didn’t want to but I couldn’t help it, I was trying to talk through the tears and tell him what an amazing man he was but I couldn’t, he held me close and kissed my head and he told me that it was OK. I cried myself to sleep.

I had to get up while it was still dark but he woke up with me and helped me to get all my stuff together and offered to order me an Uber. He apologised for the night before and I told him that he didn’t need to. He told me that he was happy to be my friend and I felt the same way. I told him that I would not be able to interact with him in the way that I had been previously but that I wanted him to be a part of my life. I was glad we parted ways on those terms. We held each other close and kissed on the lips before I left for the airport and I felt sad as soon as I left him. But I shouldn’t have. I had done him a favour. He’s absolutely ready for a relationship and I am not, but the situation has helped us both to see exactly what it is that we want in a partner. He’s shown me the levels that I need to aspire to, there were little red flags and other things that were putting me off him, but in the main the problem here is that he was a good man at a bad time.

Having had this experience of being reminded of exactly how a man is supposed to treat you has really helped me tonight because fucking twat face Corey has reappeared from the twilight zone and randomly messaged me with an apology:

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It put me in a weird place for about 10 minutes. Even though it is absolutely finished in my mind I still felt upset that he didn’t put up a fight when I told him I wouldn’t give him any more chances. Even though I don’t want him, I don’t want him to stop wanting me. I guess it’s my ego needing to feel wanted, I want to be lusted after and chased. Even by silly Fuckboys. I knew that he had deleted my number because his profile picture disappeared. I spoke about it on my Insta and I had so many anti-fuckboy army members messaging me tell me to fix up that I knew that I had to get out of dickhead mode quickly. I did fix up, it was a very brief, momentary lapse and I returned to normal almost immediately. I still haven’t blocked him yet though. I don’t know why because I had a little flashback to the night when I went to his flat and I remembered that his duvet smelt a bit frowsy, I had completely erased that from my memory until tonight but it was a very helpful reminder of why I am definitely best off blocking this sweaty nutcase.

It was one of those days today when people kept popping up from my past. I saw a guy who I went to school with but haven’t seen for years this morning, which was weird because I had randomly been speaking about him last night. We spoke and I asked him if he ever saw a girl who we both knew from school who, again, I hadn’t seen for years. The guy said that he hadn’t, but less than 5 minutes later I saw her walking down the road. At lunchtime I went to Primark and I spotted the hottest man that I have seen since at least August 2016 (just to clarify, he was walking through, not purchasing clothes – this particular Primark has two exits which lead to different parts of the shopping centre – not that I am allowed to judge a man for wearing Primark, I wear Primark, but you know……).

I was literally blown away by his sexiness and so I decided to follow him through the shop like an undercover security guard in the hope that he would notice me (this is probably the kind of thing that I shouldn’t tell people because it does make me sound demented). But it worked, and he did notice me, in fact, he approached me and said ‘Layla?’ I went bright red and found it difficult to speak, how the fuck did this guy know my name? I was looking around for hidden cameras in case I was being set up by Ant and Dec.

When he told me his name, Devon, it all came flooding back to me. We had been on a date. I don’t know how long ago it was but he looked completely different. The glow up that this guy had achieved should have got it’s own special recognition lifetime achievement award because it was outstanding. I remember thinking that he was attractive on the date but fuck me, Devon was now beyond attractive and well into the realms of Godly. He’s tall, 6ft 4, and his body is phenomenal, he had the most perfect chiselled jaw line, and smooth looking skin, he was actually breathtakingly sexy to me, I realise that I am sounding like a horny crazy woman as I describe him, but really, I am not exaggerating. He has changed his hairstyle to that nice one where they have shaved sides and curls on top, and he’s grown a well-conditioned beard. I couldn’t cope with his buffness and so I awkwardly chatted a load of shit before basically just saying ‘OK bye, gotta run’ and walking off without getting his details.

I kicked myself but I took it as a sign from the Universe, I’m still really trying to remember why we never had a second date but there must have been a good reason. Either we didn’t click, or he had issues, or he went to jail (that would explain the new physique), I don’t know, but I don’t care. I am glad we didn’t exchange details. I’ve just friend zoned a kind and lovely man because I do not have time to think about men at the moment, so why am I following hot men around shops like a crazed nymphomaniac? I don’t know if we will ever find the answer to this, I confuse myself to be honest. I’m half hoping that he’ll find my number somehow and get in touch but I also don’t think that it’s likely and so I’m going to force myself to stop lusting after him and just carry on staying focused on the blog.

I like all these random little coincidences and pop ups though. I take them as little signs from the Universe, they always make me think, or feel, or realise something and that’s a wonderful thing (although today I just mainly realised that I really need some dick) and I’m excited to see what tomorrow brings…..(highly unlikely to be dick unless I get flashed at but it’s all good, I’m really in no major hurry). All of these weird little things happen for a reason at exactly the time that they are supposed to happen. It’s the same for Mr Big, he came along for a reason but he wasn’t meant to be my forever man, if he was meant to be, then he would have been. You have to trust the timing of things, it’s the biggest cliche of them all but it’s the truth, everything happens for a reason, have fun, trust the Universe, pay attention to the signs and everything will work out as it is supposed to in the end x