Mr Big

mr big.png

I’m talking to someone. I think I’ve manifested him. If you were to ever know his real name, then you would know why I think that. I’ve been saying his name A LOT. I met him on Instagram a few weeks ago but we just started talking on What’s App a few days ago. We haven’t met yet, he lives in Nottingham, and initially we weren’t even talking on a ‘talking’ level. I would never usually entertain someone who doesn’t live within a 10 mile radius and this guy is 100 miles away. He runs a business page on Insta and we spoke through that, I was interested in his product not him. You know when you just immediately hit it off with someone conversationally though, I felt that with him straight away. The banter is strong, sooooo strong, and so I decided to give it a chance. It’s mad because I feel excited as I write this, the butterflies are having a rave in my stomach.

We’ve been exchanging Whats app voice notes and video calls for the last few nights until 1am and last night we had a video call until 4am, and I am now developing abs because he makes me laugh so much. He has me in painful, stomach crunching, hysterics. He’s a single Father, he’s strong minded and smart, streetwise and politically minded, we don’t agree on everything so we have great debates, but mainly we just laugh, like really, really laugh. Also, I think he is sexy as fuck. I’m not going to tell you his name or describe him much more until I know where things are heading. He might look like Rod Stewart in real life, or break into random monologues, or be a really shit kisser, but it’s a win win situation whatever happens because it will make a great story.

Obviously, because I haven’t actually met him yet, I’m trying not to get too carried away, but we have both already discussed the fact that we now feel like we are best friends, maybe even soul mates. I am excited and I like him, a lot, but I have been here before. There are levels I think, to how well you connect with people. There are those ones who you exchange a few messages with and from almost straight away you’re just like ‘naaaaaa, this ain’t going to work’. Those dead conversations that are just a series of boring questions, no banter, just dead. Those guys should never get to the date stage, they are brain dead fuckboys.

There are others who you have things in common with and who make you ‘lol’ in your head, the conversation is entertaining enough, a bit flirtatious, and they’re on your level, they’re cool. It’s definitely worth having a date with those ones because the chemistry could be boombastic in real life.

And then there are those ones who do not come along often but when they do it’s like BAM. A complete soul connection where you just get each other and you cannot stop talking to each other because you just have so much to say, and you vibe off each other, and they make you feel like they see the very best version of you. Yeah that. That’s what we’ve got. It’s rare, but I have felt it before, obviously everyone else I have had that with has turned out to be a massive fuckboy in the end, but I’m not even going to let that thought cross my mind. If he turns out to be a fuckboy then OH WELL. I’m having fun. He’s shown no fuckboy tendencies thus far though, and so I’m not going to tarnish him because of the fuckbuggery that fucks boys have pulled on me before. He deserves a fair chance.

I feel relaxed about it. We are in contact throughout the day and if I send him a message and he doesn’t respond for an hour I literally do not think about it, I know he’s busy, so am I. I feel no way about sending another message, it’s calm, I’m calm. It’s really fun getting to know him. He’s interesting and interested. I’m not wondering if he’s speaking to other women, I don’t feel the need to ask, I’m not checking his Insta for signs. I don’t care, he can talk to whoever he wants, but I doubt that he is talking to anyone else. I’m just happy as fuck with exactly what we have now. I’m not thinking about the future. I’m just enjoying the interaction without overthinking anything.

I haven’t seen one red flag yet, I’m not looking for them though, I’m not assuming he’s going to be bad. I’m trusting him based on the way he treats me and how he carries himself, if red flags come then I’ll heed them at the time, but so far there’s not even one. It’s very, very early days but whatever happens I know that I’ve found a new friend because I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who makes me laugh as much as he does in my entire life – male or female – and so I want him to stick around. I genuinely don’t care if we become a couple, I am just so happy that he’s come into my life.

I’m in a good place and so I am not surprised that I have attracted a good person. My main challenge now is staying in a good place and not reverting to my usual self-destructive behaviours, but it’s not really a challenge because I’m not even allowing myself to think that way. I think I’ve changed. I really like myself right now. I haven’t always in the past but I’m fully practicing The Law Of Attraction and it’s working for me, but let’s see what happens when my period is due. I could revert back to being an insecure psychopath. For now he’s just a cool guy who has arrived in my life, there is no need to force him to have any sort of title or position, there is no need to think about anything other than how he makes me feel right now.

It’s kind of fucking up my blog game though. I wasn’t talking to anyone or using dating apps and so I had free time in the evenings to dedicate to the blog. Now I am dedicating all the hours that I was spending on the blog on talking to him, I can’t seem to drag myself away, even as I’m writing this he’s just left me a 01:42 second voice note. And I’m listening to it, and then I’m going to stop typing and voice note him back for 0:59 seconds and our night will continue like this until I am so tired that I cannot function anymore. We are in contact from morning until night. I feel the need to tell him everything, I’ll send him voice notes to tell him that a bird has shit on my car.

I need to let go of my anxiety around this because I will create an issue. I need to use The Law Of Attraction to make sure that I can envisage a future where I have a really good balance of all the things that are going on in my life. My son obviously take priority over everything, and my paying career dominates my core hours, so somehow I have got to find time to do the blog, the insta, the gym, and him. It will work. I can do it. I should not have to sacrifice my dreams because I have met someone. He’s the kind of man who will support me to make them happen. I just need to re-focus.

One thing I really want to keep up is the Instagram live ‘group chats’ that I have been doing on a Friday night. It’s basically just my voice and a black screen but we have a good time, we’ve got a proper group chat gang developing and it’s great to get to hear more of what you guys are saying. Although mainly you just hear what I am saying. I tell a few stories and answer a few questions. You should come join us on Instagram around 10pm (GMT) on a Friday night. Although not this Friday because I’m going to be on my date.

In the last Insta group chat we were talking about higher level roadman fuckboys, criminals and wronguns. Why do Women love a bad boy? Well basically it’s because we are programmed to search for mates who possess top quality sperm, and bad boys present themselves as though they have top quality sperm and so we are magnetically drawn to them. Bad boys are usually ‘alpha males’, or wannabe ‘alpha males’p..p. They usually have psychopathic and narcissistic traits, they have to in order to survive in their world.

Psychopaths and narcissists are amazingly charming at first. They see a new woman as a challenge and so they play an effective game in their pursuit of her. They present themselves as the best and most desirable male, through their clothes, cars, confidence, and money, and we get drawn into it because subconsciously we want their babies. We should not allow our wombs to make decisions for us. The brain is much better at that (unless your brain is like mine).

I was telling the Insta group chat about a criminal who I knew called Daniel. I met Daniel at Lovebox (a ridiculous amount of my stories start like that, I had one year where I gave my number to about 10 people, it was highly confusing the next day). I was walking through the crowd with my friend Katie and this guy touched my hair as I was passing him. Katie had walked on but I stopped to ask him what he was doing. It was a really hot day and I was wearing a denim all in one skin tight strapless playsuit, my shoulders were exposed and he couldn’t stop staring at them. He was off his tits on pills. He complimented me and my shoulders in a way that just made me want to stick around with this guy for the rest of the day because I love being told that I am hot. Apparently he had a fetish for women with freckles, dark hair, and blue eyes and he was not afraid to show it.

I was really enjoying the barrage of compliments that Daniel was throwing at me, although after a while it did get a bit awkward because I do find it slightly challenging to accept compliments. I think we all do. My friend Bella has got amazing hair, I bumped into her once when I was with another friend of mine who told Bella that her hair was incredible and Bella said ‘Thanks but it’s super tickly and it gets up my nose sometimes.’ I was doing that with Daniel. He would tell me that I had amazing eyes and I would say ‘Ah, thank you, but they get really watery when it’s sunny’. But apart from the awkwardness, I was enjoying the attention. Daniel had fallen in buzzing love at first sight with me and had already decided that I was his girl. He put his arm around me and introduced me to his friends.

Daniel was fucking hot. He was my type from head to toe (6ft, tattoos, short hair, swaggy clothes) although he was more hench than I usually like. I tend to go for lean athletic types, I’m not into huge dench musclemen. I don’t like how their arms look as though they don’t fit next to their bodies and how their necks look like they are joined to their shoulders, but the rest of his spectacularly swaggerific, higher level roadman buffness was enough for me to get over the fact that he was a bit too big for me. Daniel was clearly somebody who everybody wanted to be around. He knew pretty much everyone who was walking past. He was like a mini Lovebox celebrity. It had to be drugs related I thought. Anyway, I was fucked, and at that moment I did not want to be anywhere other than in this man’s arms.

Katie had wandered off but she reappeared after about half an hour and burst the whole romantic bubble when she ran straight up to Daniel shouting his name and laughing. They fucking knew each other. Turns out that they had gone out for a few weeks in 2001 when he was selling weed on her estate. Katie is in a long term relationship with her boyfriend Patrick and she is not going anywhere. Katie is completely in love and had no interest in Daniel so when she pulled me to one side to tell me that didn’t feel comfortable with me talking to him I was really fucked off.

I’d already decided that Daniel and I were going to get married and I couldn’t believe that she would intervene in this great meeting of minds. Katie and I carried on partying with Daniel and his friend’s for a bit but we had to leave to go on to an after-party at Egg Club with Patrick. Before I left Daniel asked me if he could call his mate off my phone because his battery had died, I let him and then we parted ways.

Egg was shit and I couldn’t stop thinking about Daniel. I was playing gooseberry with Katie and Patrick and I was feeling devastated that I hadn’t given him my number. I couldn’t, I didn’t want to upset Katie, but at the same time I thought she was being unreasonable. I’d understand in 10 years if she split up with Patrick, why she would have an issue with me talking to him. With a serious relationship it is an unwritten rule that you cannot date your friends exes without their permission. I’d never do that. You cannot go anywhere near anyone who your friend has had proper feelings for.

Katie told me that she and Daniel had only had a very short-term relationship and that she hadn’t loved him. I’ve known Katie since we were 15 and I’d never heard of him before so I knew he hadn’t been a major deal. I sat in the smoking area at Egg befriending random people and telling them my sad story about how I thought I had found and then lost the love of my life at Lovebox and asking them whether they thought I was in the wrong. I don’t think any of them had a clue what I was talking about (you have to be completely wasted to enjoy Egg club), but they listened, that was the main thing. I went home alone feeling sorry for myself.

As I was lying in bed listening to the birds tweeting (I call them the buzz killers, I don’t know what type of bird it is but they only seem to make noise in the morning, it’s a particular tweet and it just reminds you that you done fucked up because it’s morning now and you have had no sleep. Dread) when joy of joys, my phone rang on a private number and it was Daniel. Daniel had rung one of his phones (multiple phones is a red flag BTW – unless he’s a legitimate business owner or has a certified work mobile, normal people do not need more than one phone) and had sneaked my number that way.

We talked for hours on the phone, although I can’t remember what it was about, but I think we pretty much shared our life stories. After that morning we carried on talking, just what’s apps to and fro throughout the day. He was one of those mid-level conversationalists, not like my current guy, Daniel was just OK to talk to, but he had all these other qualities that were drawing me in and so I ignored the fact that the conversation was just alright and convinced myself that we really got on well and so we kept talking.

I didn’t tell Katie at first but it was bothering me and so when Daniel asked me to go for lunch on the August bank holiday Monday I told him that I couldn’t agree to it without her permission. She was pissed off but she didn’t want to admit it and so she was telling me that it was fine, and that it was up to me, that I am a grown woman, and that I should do what I want, but she said it in that passive aggressive way that just let me know that she was fucked off.

Regardless, she gave me permission and so I went for it. I don’t know if I broke the girl code with that one. Maybe I did, but she’s still one of my best friends and we laugh about it now so I don’t regret it.

Daniel owned a house above one of the shops in Covent Garden. He was very well off. We went for a Thai meal near where he lived and he told me the story of how he made his money. Starting from selling weed on his estate, through to importing cocaine and eventually making enough money to create business opportunities that ended up with him being able to retire at 32 and live the life of riley. Daniel was very interested in telling me all about himself. It was interesting, don’t get me wrong, but the stories just never seemed to stop long enough for me to get a word in edge-ways.

When we did talk about me it was just to discuss how great I looked or how hot I looked at Lovebox, I will admit that I do very much delight in this type of conversation, and so the ego boost that I was getting from the compliments was making me overlook the fact that he seemed to have no interest in my brain. That’s a school girl error.

A man who only values you for your looks is not a man who is going to offer much more than devil dick, I can guarantee that, and I was looking for more than that at the time. I wanted a relationship (not necessarily from him, from anyone), that was my goal, he clearly wanted a relationship with my body regardless of what I was like as a person. I wasn’t as wise then and I was used to being objectified by men and so I guess I didn’t see it as such an issue that he didn’t seem to give two fucks about anything beyond my looks.

The date was fun and I was drinking cocktails, so when he suggested that we head down to Carnival I was fully up for it, but I was wearing a bright blue play suit with wedge sandals, the playsuit was banging and it was appropriate for carnival but there was no way I was going to wear heels there, and so I had to decline. He told me not to worry about that and said that he had a solution. He held my hand and walked me to Size, he told me that I could have any pair of trainers that I wanted. There were a pair of white, pink and bright blue Nike Air Max that matched well with my outfit and so he happily forked out the £150 and we were ready to go. I was excited about that. I couldn’t wait to get that one in the group chat (not the group that Katie is in though).

We went back to his to drop off my shoes. His house was fucking sexy. He really was wealthy and I found that very attractive. He was sexy as fuck and this house was just the icing on the already well iced cake. We headed off to Carnival in his Bentley, we drove all the way and pretty much parked on the carnival route. I really didn’t know that you were allowed to do that, I don’t think normal people are, but this man had powers, he was well connected, even to traffic wardens it seemed.

We headed to Sancho Panza, which is a house sound system tucked into a little corner of Notting Hill, it was like a mini free festival, the music was insane. Daniel knew everyone there and so soon there was MDMA in my drink and balloons in my mouth and the day turned into one of the best I’d ever had in my life. Daniel and I partied hard, I made friend’s with his friends, and he held my hand for most of the day, I was proper happy.

When Carnival finished I agreed to go back to Daniel’s, on the way back we walked, and talked, and laughed and told each other how much we liked each other. I was happy that I had taken the risk with the whole Katie thing, it felt like it had been the right thing to do. We got back to his sexy gaff and I had a shower. I was very fucked and for some bizarre reason I decided to log on to my Facebook (where I am friends with my entire family and all my colleagues) and post a status saying:

‘I just want to say that today I had the best day of my life, I am still currently having the best time of my life. Life is so good and I love my Mum. I love my sister so much too. And my friends, I love you guys so much I cannot even express it. Life is great, everyone just needs to be happy. If you are reading this, I LOVE YOU’

What a dickhead. My friend’s still cuss me about that status to this day. Anyway, I was happy as fuck. Daniel and I got into his bed together and held hands. He didn’t try it on with me but I wanted him to, although I was really just enjoying being on a come down while cuddling him and talking. We got on to a conversation about exes and it was at this point that Daniel decided to tell me that he was still completely in love with his ex and that his dream in life is to marry her and make babies. I was still laying there holding his hand while he spoke at length about how wonderful his ex was and how I looked so much like her, she had dark hair, blue eyes and freckles and that was why he noticed me in the first place.

Daniel went on, and on, and on, about his fucking ex and I was growing more and more bewildered by the second. I didn’t want to act like a crazy person, but I was feeling pretty emotionally deranged inside. I had gone from feeling like Mrs Happy of fucking Happyland to feeling like Mrs Reject of Reboundland. It was my fault I guess. We hadn’t discussed his current marital status or what he wanted in the future. I had just gone with the flow and because our conversations were so one sided, and basic, and surface level, I hadn’t really got to know what he was really all about.

I lay there feeling like the biggest idiot in town. He didn’t want me. I actually know the feeling that he must have been going through just by having me there, I’ve been there. Hung up on someone but trying to move on. He was lonely, but I probably made him feel the absence of his ex even more, because I wasn’t her. I wanted to cry. I lay there in silence while he talked about her until he dropped off to sleep. The sun started to come up and I put on my new trainers and walked out. I must have looked like a complete mess, it was only about 6.45am but it was warm already and so I decided to walk part of the way home.

London was quiet and it looked beautiful in the sunrise. I was still high from the night before and still feeling sad, but London was filling me with joy. I felt like I was part of something special. I walked to Westminster Bridge and looked at the incredible sights and I started laughing like mentalist, on my own, off my nut by the Thames in complete hysterics. I looked down at my new trainers and I remembered back to the amazing day that I just had and I realised that this really was no biggie. The red flags were there, I ignored them, and this was the outcome. I had a fucking great time and I got a sick pair of trainers out of it. Why was I stressing?

I hailed a black taxi and I smiled all the way home. I never heard from Daniel again, and nor did I want to. I hope he got back with his ex and if not, I hope he was able to move on. It’s shitty being stuck on someone who you are no longer with. Luckily the new guy has no recent or significant exes in his life and he says that he’s never been in love, thank fuck, because I never want to be in that situation again. It is definitely important to discuss histories early on, but keep it very surface level and factual and if he’s had a recent break up, especially if it’s been a messy one, I would take that as an alarm bell that he needs to wait for a while before meeting other women.

Anyway, I’m off to have a video call with the guy. I promise you from the bottom of my heart that I am going to keep going with the blog and that I am not going to let things slip because of my new found hobby, I’ve got plenty more material and so I’ll be here with you for a long time to come x

16 thoughts on “Mr Big

Add yours

  1. Love reading your blog. Wicked you’ve got someone to have fun with and you’re chill about it. Keeping the laid back bit going is def what i need to work on haa

  2. Don’t worry- if you stop blogging we will get all Liam Neeson on you – find you and demand justice be restored to the blogosphere world.

  3. As I was lying in bed listening to the birds tweeting (I call them the buzz killers, I don’t know what type of bird it is but they only seem to make noise in the morning, it’s a particular tweet and it just reminds you that you done fucked up because it’s morning now and you have had no sleep. Dread)

    My favorite part!!!!! You should see about a graphic novel Layla!!

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