So this blog is a follow on from the last one The Law of Attraction. In that blog I told you about a man named Kane who I’d had a few dates with, I didn’t particularly have any major connection to him but I thought I did because I had forced myself to feel like I did, because at that time I just really wanted a man in my life. I thought that I needed a man in my life, any man. Anyway, after a few weeks it transpired that Kane was leading a double life and that his name was in fact Luke and he was an armed robber with a fiancée and not a single man innocently installing electrical units as he had led me to believe.
I felt sad and depressed that I had been deceived by a dishonest man once again and I had an emotional melt down until my best friend pointed me in the direction of a YouTube link by Abraham Hicks which basically taught me that I was attracting shitty men because I was expecting men to be shitty. I had never really thought about or understood the principals of The Law of Attraction before I listened to that link but once I did I was hooked and I searched for more stuff from Abraham Hicks that was relevant to me.
The basic message is this. Just be happy, strive to be happy, make happiness your ultimate goal. Don’t tell yourself that you will only be happy once you’ve got a man, or once you’ve got enough money, or once you leave the job you hate. Accept that life is how it is right now and be happy anyway. Because once you are well and truly unconditionally happy you will be in a place where you are able to allow good things to come and you won’t care about the things that you haven’t got because you will be just so happy anyway.
The Law of Attraction says that you have to be in a good ‘vibrational state’ to allow good things to happen and that if you are in a negative vibrational state then you will be encouraging bad things to happen. For example, I’ve been fucked over by men multiple, multiple times, and so it’s very easy for me to say that all men are shit, and to feel like if I get involved with another man then it’s highly likely that I will get fucked over again, because they’re all shit. So if when I think about men I remember the bad things that have happened in the past, and the terrible things that could happen in the future, I create a lot of negative energy, and that is the state in which I am vibrating. Like radio waves of bad energy. Have you ever felt that off someone? Like pure toxic energy. A bad vibe.
The universe responds to whatever you put out and it will only send you what you are ready for, so if you hate men and think they are shit, how can the Universe send you a good man? You’re not ready. Why would a good man want a woman that hates men? A woman who is giving off a bad energy around men is not a desirable thing, it’s only desirable to men who hate themselves because you match their vibration. If you think that all men are shit then you are going to be looking for that whenever you meet men, you’re going to be looking for something that proves you right. Things could be going brilliantly but that feels off to you because you are in a negative state, you don’t expect things to be good with a man and so you feel like something must be up if things are going too well, you’re not used to it, and so rather than just chilling and going with the good feelings you’re going to be out there looking for something to fit in with your current negative vibration.
I used to go and look for something, anything, that could prove me right that the good feeling was not normal. I’d sit there looking for pictures that the guy I was seeing had liked and commented on, and quite an innocent ‘like’ of a girl in a bikini (which should not be a problem because men still like looking at tits and arses even when they are in a relationship and you should never feel threatened by that) would be enough to send me into a head spin and spend the next three hours looking at all of that girls pictures to see if there were any signs that they were having an affair. And I would usually feel compelled to say to my guy ‘WHO IS SHE AND WHY ARE YOU LIKING HER PICTURES??’ by which point (especially if this is the early days of a relationship) I had successfully made myself look insecure and therefore unattractive and I had thrown a spanner in the works of something that could have been good if I had just allowed it to be instead of searching for something to sabotage it with in order to protect myself from a hurt that might never have happened and to fit in with my theory that all men are shit.
People often say things like ‘being happy is easier said than done’ and I hear that, it’s hard to be happy when you have shit going on, but is it not much more like hard work to be feeling like shit? Being happy feels good, feeling negative is draining. You have to make the choice to take your focus away from the negatives and put it on to the positives and then everything else will flow. If you are sitting in a traffic jam, worrying about being late for something then it is quite easy to work yourself up into a stressed out frenzy, by feeling deeply irritated and panicking about being late, wishing the idiot in front would stop letting people into the traffic, and shouting ‘YOU FUCKING CUNT’ at them every time they do.
By the time you do arrive at your destination you are going to be feeling fraught and fucked off and that will probably effect how the whole rest of your day pans out, you’re stressed outness might make you leave your phone in the car, or might make you snap at your boss or whatever. You can’t do anything about the traffic jam, you’re going to be late either way, but you could make a conscious decision to just be positive about it. It’s really your choice. Take the opportunity to look out of the window, appreciate the beauty of the clouds, watch people going by; listen to tunes that make you happy, notice pretty things along the street that you hadn’t noticed before. Choose to arrive at your destination feeling happy and calm even if you are late.
Anyway, I say all this like I’m some positive thinking guru who stays in a constant happy meditative state, and that could not be further from the truth. I still go off track, I often return to my natural thought process of expecting things to go wrong, I sometimes let the thought of things going wrong consume me and put me in a negative vibration, and I still revert to old patterns of self-destructive behaviours. But now I only do this briefly and occasionally and I have a reference point for how I can return to feeling good again, and whenever I get back to that good feeling point then everything in my life starts going well.
So let’s go back to what happened after I found out that Kane/Luke/Lukane – whatever the fucker was called – was a big dickhead. I blocked him on everything and got introduced to The Law of Attraction. But that didn’t stop me getting oral sex from him again one last time after he called me on private number and begged me to give him a chance to explain face to face. He came over and was still trying to convince me that he did not have a girlfriend, and so after a few vagina compliments and sweet words I was weakened and I allowed him to carry on explaining himself face to fanny instead. I realise that this wasn’t a very ‘sisterhood’ move to make but I wasn’t really thinking straight, I had allowed him to convince me of his mad lies, and also I figured that if he did have a Mrs then she wouldn’t find out and if she did would it hurt her to know that we messed around 6 times instead of 5? Probably actually, but I was hurt and confused and I was just thinking about myself.
That was the last time though and I never went near Lukane again despite his frequent private number calls. I bought a load of law of attraction books and I got really focused on understanding it and implementing it into my daily life, starting with things like being happy in traffic jams, waking up and immediately listing out 5 things that I was grateful for and giving myself a pep talk about how good the day was going to be, going to bed and picking out 3 things that had been really good about the day. I was actively doing whatever I could to get myself into a happy zone. this link helped – it’s short (maybe listen to it at the end of the blog).
And it worked, while I was focusing on getting my shit together and being happy, I forgot to focus on the absence of a man, I was still on Tinder but I wasn’t really looking. I didn’t have time. I was too busy thinking about myself. I was in 10 grand credit card debt at the time and it had been something that I was really stressed about. The Law of Attraction taught me that whilst I was constantly worrying about my debt I was just attracting more debt and so I made a conscious effort to leave any pangs of anxiety at the door because worrying was not going to pay off my bills. I decided to just believe that if I stayed in a constant state of happiness then the Universe would sort it out for me.
Being happy and in a good place meant that I was talking more to people, coming out of my house and saying good morning to my neighbours, stopping women on the street to tell them they looked great, chatting to people in queues in shops. I was so happy and open and engaged with the world around me that I was just out there being really kind and friendly to everyone. I owed someone £30 and I had been avoiding her because I was broke, but once I got into happy mode I got in touch with her to apologise and I arranged to meet her with the money. When I got to the cash point on my way to her meet her, there was exactly £30 sitting right there in the machine, nobody was around, the person who had left it was nowhere to be seen, and so that was the first time that I really saw the Universe in action. You might think it was a coincidence but it felt real to me and it inspired me to keep up the positive thinking.
My happy state meant that I started talking to my elderly neighbours more and I ended up having a cup of tea with them one day. They told me that they had been trying to sell their house but they had been having an ongoing feud with the neighbours on the other side. They had put their house on the market twice and both times the bitch neighbour had chased prospective buyers down the street. The elderly couple were desperate to move and they didn’t know what to do. So I randomly told them that I would sell the house for them. I know nothing about selling houses, I have no experience as an estate agent (it was quite a mental thing to offer considering my complete lack of experience) but the idea just popped into my head and so I went with it. They agreed and within 6 weeks I had done it. Once it was all finalised I received exactly £10,000 in estate agent fees and my entire debt was cleared. I really am not bullshitting you.
I’m back in credit card debt again now (but far far less), I carried on spending on my credit cards because I’m pretty frivolous and I am shit at saving up for things; the difference is that now I’m not worried about it, not one bit. Because I know that worrying will get me nowhere and that something will come along to resolve it all when the time is right (a book deal maybe?). I pay it off steadily every month and so I have no reason to panic. I never ever worry about money. I have written myself a check for 5 million pounds and I have stuck it on my mirror, I look at it every day and I remind myself that it’s coming.
In terms of men I’m less solid on consistently feeling amazing about things. I firmly believe that there is an amazing man out there and that I am going to live happily ever after with him once I am ready, but I have found it very hard not to revert to old patterns. Right now at this moment things are different, I am so happy and focused and uninterested in men and you guys are a part of that. The blog and the Instagram has been like therapy, it’s been incredible to receive messages from women across the world who say that they relate. It’s comforting to know that I am not some flawed Fuckboy attracting freak, and that we’re all going through it or have been through it in one way or another.
Every single person who has supported me, commented on the blogs, sent me DMs, or who just engages with me on my page, has made me feel like I am a part of a big, loving, supportive community, and for the first time in a long time I am really happy being man free. I’ve got you lot. But I haven’t always been like this, so chilled about love and relationships, and so clear about what I want. I just need to try to make sure I stay feeling this way when the next man comes along.
Anyway, after I’d cleared off my credit card debt I fully believed in the power of the Universe and so I started to think that what I would really like was a man. I made a list and I wrote down exactly what I thought I wanted in a man. I wasn’t very good at making lists back then and I was still a bit head fucked from the string of shit men that I had encountered and so the list was basic as fuck. Things like how old I wanted him to be, how I wanted him to look, how tall, that he had to be a gym freak like me, but also a weed smoking and occasional MDMA user like me, he had to be a socialist, he had to be single, he had to live close, he had to love children, and he had to understand my job. I forgot to list qualities like loyalty, faithfulness, kindness, and all the other massively important stuff beyond the basics, I forgot to list what I wanted from a relationship and not just from a man.
Regardless, I completed my dead list and I put it out to the Universe. The Universe must have been thinking ‘What the fuck is this idiot doing? But OK then…’ because the very next day I matched with Daniel on Tinder. Daniel identically matched up with every single thing that I had put on that list. Everything. We got on like a house on fire. His Mum was mixed race and his Dad was White. He looked a bit like Shemar Moore but lighter and with hair. He was 6ft 3 and worked as a personal trainer, he was a weed smoker, a staunch socialist, and he fully understood my job because his Mum did the exact same thing as me! He lived about 10 minutes down the road, he was into all the same stuff as me; he was bright and funny and respectful. He was everything that I wanted in a man and I was excited as fuck.
From the minute we started talking I just knew, I felt sure that the Universe had bought me the man that I needed, he ticked every box, he definitely felt the same and even before we met he’d be messaging me saying how mad he thought it all was and how he couldn’t believe that he had matched with someone who he had so much in common with. We really liked each other. We had our first date a few days after we first started talking. It was late September and still warm and so it was another one of those park dates that I like so much. We met for Prosecco, picnic food, and weed on a blanket in a big park overlooking London. We interacted like we had known each other for years, I felt incredibly relaxed and comfortable with him, and I fancied him so much more in real life.
The date went brilliantly. We had a little kiss before we parted company and I was on cloud 9, the only thing that wasn’t entirely perfect was that he told me that he was really enjoying being single. He had been in long term relationships back to back since he was 17 and had broken up with his last girlfriend a year ago. He said that he really needed a break from relationships and time to focus on himself for a while, he didn’t feel ready to settle down, and so he was really just on Tinder looking for something casual.
Obviously in my demented mind this was interpreted as ‘he thinks he’s not ready for a relationship but he hasn’t met an amazing, cool, chill girl like me before, and so it won’t be long before he falls in love and we become a couple’. I knew the rules, I knew that at the start you are not supposed to show men that you are looking for a relationship, especially if that’s not what they are looking for (I don’t follow these rules now, I follow my own different set of rules, but this is where I was at at the time) and so I went along with it like ‘Yeah, super casual, I’m not looking for anything big either, I just want to see how things go, just have fun getting to know each other.’
Which is exactly the right way to be at the start of a relationship but only if you are not pretending, which is exactly what I was doing. I knew I wanted more than casual but I thought that I could finesse him into wanting more with my wonderful personality and magical vagina. I wasn’t even doing that for negative purposes, I really felt like I could bring something to Daniel’s life if I was given the role of girlfriend. If you can cope with monthly bouts of borderline psychotic behaviour then I’m an amazing girlfriend. I should have just been real from day one but I believed that this would become something and so I didn’t want to put him off.
As time went on I told myself that I could cope with what we had, which was basically dating like two people dating as if they had a future together with one person saying that they want to stay single, and the other person saying that’s OK while secretly wanting to shout ‘YOU ARE MY BOYFRIEND NOW’ at every opportunity they got. We were a perfect match, he knew it and I knew it. We waited for a good few dates before we slept together, even though this was supposedly just a casual thing. We were in contact on Whats App all day and night and we spent all our free time together. I was really feeling him and I felt secure in the fact that he was feeling me too, the only problem was the huge feelings of anxiety that I was beginning to develop due to the lack of a label.
Sex with Daniel was absolutely amazing, made even better by the fact that he wore contacts and was virtually blind without them, he would take them out before sex and I would feel super confident about my body because he couldn’t actually see me. Right after we first had sex was when I asked Daniel whether he was sleeping with anyone else. I genuinely thought that the answer would be no, we were together a lot and I wasn’t even looking at other men, not because I couldn’t, I just had no desire to, I was consumed by him.
Daniel sat up straight in bed and asked me whether I really wanted to know the answer. Well now that he had put it like that I definitely did. I told him that I knew that we were just casual and so although I might not like the answer I was ready to hear it. I didn’t realise that he was about to tell me that he was Tinder’s biggest hoe. Daniel took a deep breath, which must have confused his mind and suddenly made him think that he was sitting there talking to the mandem, because he then hit me with a full run down of exactly how many other people he was seeing.
Daniel had a fucking rota. Literally a ‘Fucking Rota’. Daniel had a Monday girl, a Wednesday girl, an every other Thursday girl, several options for the weekend, and he would chill on Sundays. Like Fucking Craig David. I used to see him on Tuesdays and weekends and sometimes in between, I thought that he worked late on the other days although he had never said that, he always told me his was busy but I never questioned it or really thought that he was out there shagging other women. I knew he was still using Tinder, I was too but only to check when he was last online and so that he could see that I had been online if he looked at my profile, but I didn’t think he was still actively using it.
I was shocked by what Daniel was telling me and I was thankful that we had used a condom. Daniel told me that he was addicted to pussy, especially meaningless pussy. He admitted that it was an ego boost to be fucking so many women and that it had got him a pretty good reputation with the lads, they were impressed with his hideous endeavors. Daniel stroked my hair and he told me that he felt differently about me to the others (I see you all rolling your eyes, but I really thought he was telling the truth, we had a real connection), he told me that he never stayed overnight with any of the other women, never went out with them, and he didn’t message them unless it was to confirm a meeting, he said that it was strictly sex and nothing else.
He told me that he didn’t use condoms with any of the other women and that he doesn’t usually use condoms during one night stands (of which he has many, his main reason for using Tinder in fact), he implied that I was special because he had been willing to use one with me. He didn’t want to put me at risk because he cared. I should have been thinking ‘URGH you disgusting prick’ but he was working my brain effectively. I choose to ignore all of his Fuckboy fuckbuggery because I really wanted to believe that he was the perfect man for me and that I could change all of that.
He told me that in the few weeks that we had been dating he had cancelled several of his rota’d shags, he reminded me that we had met on a Monday and a Wednesday previously. He said that he was starting to feel differently about the whole thing and that he was feeling himself become disinterested in other women. But he wasn’t yet ready to tell me that he was going to stop seeing other people completely. He said that he would have to do it in his own time and not feel like he was being pressured into doing it, which he said was happening naturally for him anyway.
This would have been a good time for me to say:
‘Actually no. I really like you and we are behaving like a couple and if you want to see me again then you will only be able to do so if you cut off all of your links immediately.’
But I didn’t, because I wanted this guy and I didn’t want to fuck things up by being that needy girl who said that she could handle casual and then flip the script as soon as sex came into it. I didn’t want to put on that pressure that he had said would put him off. And so I told him that I would much prefer it if he wasn’t seeing anyone else, mainly for safety reasons, I told him that I wouldn’t feel safe having unprotected sex with him until I was sure that he wasn’t seeing other people and that I was desperate to feel him cum inside me. He told me that once he had stopped seeing them all then he would tell me.
And so our ‘relationship’ proceeded, the same as before, extremely easily and positively. Apart from the fact that inside I was in a constant state of anxiety and I had begun obsessing over what he was doing and where he was going and whether he was still seeing any of the girls. I was doing my best to use The Law of Attraction, I was staying happy as much as I could but I could not rid myself of the underlying sick feeling that I had every time I wasn’t with him, even though when we weren’t together we were in regular contact all the time. I felt so out of sorts, Abraham Hicks would call it being out of alignment. Your soul is telling you that something isn’t right and you have to resolve that something to get back into alignment.
And so about 3 months in, that is what I did. Daniel had told me on the phone that he was going out on Monday night and that it was going to be a late one and so he might not see me on Tuesday. I easy breezily said that was cool whilst dying inside imagining that his Monday night was going to be spent doing some late night hoeing. I came off the phone to Daniel and I called Grace. I told her that I was out of alignment and that the situation was killing me, that I was trying to be happy because I was sure that he was my perfect man, the one I had asked the Universe for, but that I couldn’t handle the situation.
Daniel was falling for me, I knew he was, and that was because I was genuinely a really happy and warm person when I was in alignment, but I was finding it harder and harder to stay that way. I told Grace that I thought that the best thing to do would be to end it. She told me that I should tell him how it is making me feel but I didn’t want to ruin things by asking what we were and putting pressure on him, even though we were clearly something, I didn’t want to fuck it up by demanding that he stops seeing other people. And so, I really don’t know why, I decided to send Daniel a What’s App (with tears streaming down my face) saying:
‘Daniel, I really, really like you and these last few weeks have been absolutely amazing, I’ve loved every minute but I really cannot do this anymore. I don’t want to be that girl who tries to force you into a relationship when you’re not ready and so I’m going to end it here. Maybe one day, when you get all of this out of your system, we can come back together and it could work, but for now we want different things and I’m not enjoying it anymore. Hope you have an amazing birthday (it was in 3 week’s time but I was going for full on sentimental drama here so allow me) xx’
I sent the message and almost immediately regretted it. I didn’t want to end it, I wanted him to say ‘Fuck, I don’t want to lose you, I’ll drop out all my hoes right now if it means keeping you’. I felt like I was having an out of body experience waiting for his reply. I wasn’t expecting the anger that I faced when he did. He was MAD, absolutely fuming crazy. He rang me asking me how the fuck I could just end it out of the blue, he said that he had no idea that I had such an issue with it (which was fair enough because I’d been actively playing it cool), he said that if I had sat down and told him how I felt he would have told me that actually, he hasn’t seen any of his scheduled shags for 2 weeks and that he was going to tell me face to face that he was ready to take the next step with me.
I felt like I’d been shot in the head. I told him that in that case let’s take the next step, I told him that I hadn’t meant it and that I was just trying to play it cool, I was panicking and backtracking. He said that he had been at work, feeling happy that everything was going so well between us and then he randomly received a text from me ending it. He said that he was devastated, but he said that he was mainly angry. He thought it was childish and hurtful and that he had expected more from me. By this point I was bawling my eyes out. Apologising, telling him that I completely understood and agreed with what he was saying and that I was so, so sorry. But he wasn’t having it. He said I was playing games, and I guess in some ways I was. He told me that he needed some space to cool down and that he’d be in touch next week sometime.
What had I done? I was gutted and completely hysterical. I should probably mention that I was also on my period at this particular moment and I do think it had an impact on what happened next. I phoned Grace and sobbed down the phone to her. She told me to calm down, have a rum and listen to some Abraham Hicks. Which I did, 2 large rums actually, and as you know, I have the tolerance levels of a gerbil and so that was enough to get me into a drunken emotional state. For some unknown reason I thought it would be a good idea to leave Daniel a voice note. I kid you not, this was the absolute worst voice note that you could possibly send to a man who you are trying to convince that you are emotionally stable. It was 3 minutes long.
It started out with me calmly talking, apologising for the irrational way that I dealt with things and explaining how much I regretted it, I told him exactly how I felt about him, with at least 20 seconds of that devoted to his penis. I then went on to start saying, whilst increasingly crying as the sentences went on:
‘To be honest with you Daniel, I think that this all stems from my daddy issues. My Dad used to tell me that I didn’t look good enough to be seen out with him when I was 8 years old, he used to choose other women over me and my sister continuously, I have never felt wanted by my Dad and I think I have carried that into relationships, so even though I’m like, this really great and happy person, deep down I just want to be loved and made to feel like number one, and I know that obviously you are not trying to be my Dad, I don’t need another Dad, my Dad is great now, well not great, he still puts me down, but yeah, so I have deep issues, and I need to resolve them. But I think you have deep issues that you need to resolve too, because it is not normal to fuck on a rota, maybe you have Mummy issues. I can’t believe I’ve blown it Daniel. You are actually being very unfair on me by taking this so seriously. Anyway, please, please don’t stop talking to me, the ball is in your court. I’m going to miss you’.
By the end I was weeping, but as soon as that message was sent I sobered up and suddenly thought ‘WTF have I just done’. I couldn’t even bear to listen to the message back. I knew that I sounded completely insane. I was freaking massively. I forwarded the voice note to the group chat and I have never had so many people ask me what the fuck is wrong with me all at once. They were absolutely ashamed of me, and some of them quite worried I think. That message made me sound like I had quite seriously lost the plot. I quickly sent another message to Daniel, typed this time, saying:
‘DO NOT LISTEN TO THE VOICE NOTE – SERIOUSLY PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO THE VOICE NOTE. I AM DRUNK, IT IS NOT ME.’
As soon as I sent that I thought Fuck, that makes me look even madder, maybe I should send another message saying:
‘I realise that this is all making me look mad. I’m not.’
Which I sent, and then thought Fuck, I’m out of control. I deleted his number and our whole conversation thread. I could not bear to see any evidence of my outrageously monumental fuck ups that night and I did not want to risk having access to his phone number, because lord knows what I could come up with next. He didn’t message me for 3 days, when he did he said:
‘I just listened to your message. That’s all a bit heavy. I just think I need space to calm down. You showed me a different side to you.’
I messaged him back straight away, apologising for my madness and acknowledging that I had been a complete lunatic. I told him that I do sometimes get highly emotional and a bit crazy when I’m on my period but that I’m never usually THAT mad. I told him that I would never do anything like that again if he wasn’t seeing other women because then I would be in a place of security and I wouldn’t be driven mad by those feelings. He told me that he didn’t think he could handle being with someone who went crazy once a month and he also said that the whole palaver had reminded him of why he didn’t want to be in a relationship in the first place.
I had blown it. I was devastated with myself. I was heartbroken, I’d lay in bed once my boy was asleep and I would listen to sad songs and sob. After 3 days of it I told myself to fix up and I got back on to my happy vibe (mainly). Daniel never got back in touch. I messaged him once on Instagram and he responded coldly. A year or so later and I had got him well out of my system. I was mainly in alignment and life was good. Grace and I went to a festival and I looked particularly buff I thought, so when I spotted Daniel across the crowd I was excited to go and say hi. Grace had never met him before but she knew how major this was. He was off his tits and was with a group of female friends. We all joined up as a group and spent the rest of the day partying together.
Daniel had just started a job at a really prestigious gym when we stopped seeing each other, it was a job that he had really wanted. I asked him how it was going and he said that he had got sacked after 3 months for getting caught receiving a blow job from a client in the store cupboard. He was banned from all of the clubs for life. It confirmed for me then, that actually, me sabotaging our relationship back then was exactly the right thing for me to do. Daniel was some kind of raging nymphomaniac, so much so that he’d risked his entire career for a blow job. I would have probably spent my whole life finding nudes on his phone if we’d have become a couple. I should have listened to him from the start, he wasn’t ready.
I went back to his after the festival and we had sex, there was nothing, no feelings, no rush of love, nothing. At one point when we were kissing I did think Fuck, I’m really kissing him, like, it’s HIM. But he was clearly not my forever man, and the deep feelings that I had felt during our ‘situationship’ had all completely gone. I felt glad that I hadn’t got my wish at the time and ended up in a relationship with him. He never met J but what Kind of role model could this sex addict be to my son? The Universe protected me from him, even though it didn’t seem that way at the time.
The Universe sent me the man that I thought I had wanted but it didn’t send me the relationship that I wanted, because I wasn’t yet in the right place to receive it. The shit with Daniel had to happen to show me exactly what I did want and it was more than just a man who I got on with. It was a man who also made me feel like no other woman mattered. I played myself by pretending that I could handle a casual fling but I have learnt from it massively and now I am very clear about what I will tolerate and what I won’t, and I will never be afraid to vocalise it for fear of putting a man off. If he’s put off then he’s not the right one anyway. Dating should be fun, and free, and easy, it should not be heavy and anxiety provoking and if it is then you should step back from men for a while and focus on getting happy and knowing what you want before you step back in again. Go get happy now, what are you waiting for? x