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It’s been a blowy old day, Storm Doris has been pretty rampant. She gave me a full on back-combed, blow dried, bouffant today. I quite liked it. I read somewhere that statistically more people die in Storms named after women because they sound softer, so people don’t take the threat seriously and fail to prepare. Doris doesn’t sound like she could knock over your bins but trust me, she’s dangerous. Speaking of blowy……I started talking to Corey in early 2014, we matched on Tinder but he was someone I already knew. He’s 4 years younger than me and I was friends with his older brother at school. Everyone of a certain generation knows each other round here so we have lots of mutual friends, I’d seen him around for years and always found him attractive but we’d never actually spoken. I sat there with a little side smirk when I saw him come up, it showed that we had 27 mutual friends on Facebook, which made me a bit anxious because I didn’t like the thought of 27 FB acquaintances knowing that I was on Tinder, but I couldn’t not match him. I had to wait a whole day before I got the notification to tell me he had matched back and in that day I probably spent at least 90 minutes analyzing all my Tinder pictures to establish the possible reasons for him not matching me. I decided it was either how pointy my chin looked in pic 1 or how red my ear looked in pic 4. Eventually he matched me and I remembered once again that I am a buff ting and all was well in the world. We got on like a house on fire. The communication flowed with ease. You know when they just get you, he got all my jokes, and he made me laugh too. With all our common ground we always had loads to talk about, and he was a certified DILF with a daughter the same age as my son. Major box ticked.

We spoke every day for a long time and we had Skype dates too, but Corey never wanted to meet in person. He had recently started suffering with joint pains, debilitating ones, he was undergoing scans and MRIs, they were so bad that he’d had to leave his job. He was barely functioning a lot of the time. He didn’t want to meet because he didn’t feel like he was firing on all cylinders. I am extremely impatient. I rush things, to my own detriment usually. I want everything all at once straight away. I became frustrated, we spoke for months and I felt like it was getting a bit ridiculous that we hadn’t met. I liked everything about this guy and in my mind I thought there was a high chance we’d end up getting together so I just couldn’t wait to get it started.

In August that year I went to EE festival in Hatfield with my best friend Katie. Katie is in, what I can only describe as, a completely demented relationship with her boyfriend Patrick. He’s a few years younger than her and he likes to party, they both do, and that’s where the problems start. They are the most perfect, loving, happy, chilled couple when they are just chilling, or doing anything that doesn’t involve alcohol or drugs. But bring intoxicating substances into the mix and it’s a fucking disaster. Every time. It’s all crazy. They split up frequently after heavy weekends and then inevitably get back together because they’re not trashed anymore and they realise how much they love/want/need each other. It’s dysfunctional but when it works, it works well. When we booked our festival tickets it wasn’t working well and I was looking forward to going out with just Katie, no crazy man dramas, they’d been split for quite a while so I thought it was safe. It wasn’t until the morning of EE that Katie told me that Patrick was going to be there. I was majorly fucked off to be honest, but I still wanted to party so I forgot about it and tried to get on a happy vibe. And that I did. We had the best day, the three of us, me as the 3rd wheel at times, but I was waved so I didn’t care, I was drunk and merry and I felt great. We left at nine and went back to Katie’s.

On the train back I got a call from Corey, you know that feeling you get when their name flashes up, little butterflies like ooooooh, I am fucked up and this would be the perfect time to meet him (never listen to your intoxicated self). Corey was out for a friend’s birthday, it was the first time he’d been out in weeks so he was also on a wave, like me, he’d had a drink and he said he felt good. Katie and Patrick had decided they wanted to go to the EE after party at EGG but I was just way too fucked to even contemplate being around members of the public and by that point I really just wanted to be with Corey. And my wish came true. Katie said I could stay at hers and that it was fine for him to come over while they went off to rave. I felt real genuine excitement. I was proper happy! Corey arrived about half an hour later, I was still off my face when he walked in so I flung my arms around him like an over enthusiastic seal. I spoke at length, without letting him get a word in edge-ways, about what a wonderful day I’d had, and how fucked I was, he sat and listened, and laughed at the right points. We drank and smoked, and as it started getting light we made up the sofa bed and got in it together. I had been wanting to kiss this man for so long. He kissed me like he had been wanting to kiss me for a long time too. I don’t know if it was due to my intoxicated state or whether it genuinely was magic but kissing him felt incredible. Tingles through my whole body. I knew I didn’t want to sleep with him, especially not like this, on my friend’s couch, both fucked. So I don’t know why I did what I did next….

Somehow, my wasted little brain told me that it was all about peace and free love out here, and that giving Corey a blow job would be a great idea. And boy did I rate myself 10/10 for my BJ performance that night, I believe that I even said something along the lines of ‘That was 10/10 right!’. I lay there with him after basking in joy, at that point I didn’t regret the blow job at all, I felt that I’d really showcased some important skills that night  and  I went to sleep happy in his arms. I woke up looking like Doris had come 3 years early. My spray tan was looking patchy in the sunlight and my eyebrows didn’t survive the night. My breath stank like a junkie’s boxers and I was dying to fart. It was not a good morning. We tried to avoid eye contact, both of us feeling as rough as each other. I drove us home in virtual silence, music low. I needed coffee, and food, and to be out of his eye line. It felt like the longest journey ever but finally we arrived at his. He pecked me on the cheek and told me he’d message me when he got up. He left the car and I farted loudly, he glanced back and waved.

24 hours later he hadn’t yet been in touch, after having checked whether my phone was working around 137 times, I figured he was still recovering from the weekend and it was no big deal that he hadn’t text. By 9pm the next night I was freaking. I was in the group chat cringingly explaining what had happened and asking for answers, why has he not text? Was it the blow job? Should I text him? The answer to the latter was a resounding no. But by 10pm I had convinced myself that he must think I’m so hot and so overwhelmingly fantastic that he’s just too shy to text first, maybe because I’d been unfriendly the following morning. I needed to open the door for him, let him know I’m interested. I decided to text him. I needed something casual, not over friendly, ‘Hey, you still alive? Lol x’ is what I came up with. He didn’t reply. He must be asleep. Corey is one of those annoying people who has the blue ticks and their last seen turned off on whats app, so unless I see him online I have no idea if he’s read my messages.

The following morning there was still no reply and I stopped being a dickhead and accepted the fact that actually, he’s just not that into me. That pissed me off because we had built a solid foundation, a friendship, we’d been talking for months, we got on well, we both knew that and had been open about that. I felt angry that he was locking it all off in such a rude manner based on my behaviour on one night whilst under the influence. So I decided to tell him so.

‘Hey, I don’t really know why we have completely stopped talking to each other, but I’m actually really quite embarrassed and angry that I gave you a BJ when I was completely fucked and now you’re not speaking to me like I’m some kind of dickhead.’

Texting whilst angry is something I really have to learn not to do, because I send dumb shit like that. My ill thought out whats app never got a reply, and he’d been online several times since. I was gutted. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wished I hadn’t text him at all after the night, I regretted what I’d said to him when I did text, but mainly I regretted the blow job. Massively. I was certain that it had made him think I was a slag. I wanted to text him and say ‘I swear to god, I have never ever given a random blow job on a first date in my life, it meant something to me, I felt free with you, I’m not a big slag’ because that’s the truth. But I didn’t. I couldn’t ever text him again, because I couldn’t ever face the feeling of not getting a reply again. I didn’t hear from him again for a long time.

Over the past couple of years Corey has got in touch sporadically. Every time he’d always say he was having pains and the conversations died because he would take days to reply. I have always had a soft spot for Corey though, and a feeling that we would make a great couple and so it was more than disappointing when he would get in touch and then come with the same Fuckboy behaviour. A month ago Corey got in touch again. This time he phoned. He sounded bright and lively. He told me that the Doctors had finally found a medicine combination that worked. He was well again and he wanted to see me to show me that he had got his Mojo back. We met up at the pub on a Sunday afternoon. Corey looked so different. He’s tall and athletic, he works as a personal trainer, he’s light skinned with light brown eyes and stubble. He was always my cup of tea, but even more so now he looked healthy. Our conversation was so easy, we talked at length about what happened. He explained that he is an ‘emotional retard’ and that he had liked me very much but he knew that he wasn’t well enough to get involved, he said that he didn’t know how to say it so he just ducked. He explained that he has a problem with communicating with women he likes. I told him that he needs to grow up. We spent the afternoon laughing, bantering and debating politics. I loved being with him. At 5pm I had to leave to pick J up from his Dad’s. He walked me to my car and as I was about to get in he pulled me round and kissed me. He put his hands in my hair and held my face and boy did he kiss me. He kissed me like a man who had just been released from jail. When we broke away I was giddy, I took a sharp intake of breath and had to stop myself saying ‘BUMBACLART’ out loud. The passion was on fire.

He told me that he would text me later. AND HE DID. And he continued to text back and forth like a normal person every day for 5 whole days. We even had a plan in place to meet up again. I was back to visualizing he and I coming together in a perfect union creating a happy family for our kids. That was until he cancelled the plan and then didn’t text for 3 days. When he did text it went like this:

5 February 2017
Corey: Hey, you ok? 16:02
Me: Hey, yeah I’m good thanks, how are you? 16:47 (playing it cool)
Corey: I’m good thanks. What are you up to? 16:47
Me: Just on the way back from the west end with J, knackered, can’t wait to put him to bed. What are you doing? 17:02

7 February 2017
Corey: Hey you ok?? Sorry for the late reply. What you up to? 12:22
Me: I’m at work. You? 13:01

11 February 2017
Corey: Hey, what are you up to? 19:08
Me: You are such a non-starter. Conversations with you are hard work.

Then nothing until he text me on Valentine’s day, which I had to remind myself not to read too much into, he suggested meeting up and said he would text once he got home to arrange. He didn’t. This is very very fuckboyish. A fuck boy doesn’t want to go out with you on valentines night, it’d give you the wrong idea, but he doesn’t want anyone else taking you out that night either, so he tactically makes you busy without having to see you. Corey next got in touch with me last Friday. He rang and explained himself again ‘I’m an emotional retard, I don’t know what is wrong with me’ blah, blah blah. We were on the phone for 2 hours, I told him how I felt. I told him to fix up. He said he wants me and he needs to change. I felt hope again, he sounded so real. I convinced myself again that this could really be something because we just click, it feels natural. He said he’d text me the next morning, and he did, but I didn’t reply. I woke up realising that this was intolerable bullshit and that regardless of how well we get on he makes me feel frustrated and pissed off for the majority of the time. There’s plenty more Corey’s in the sea, better Corey’s, one’s who are more emotionally and socially developed and I’m willing to wait for one of them. I’m glad it ended with the ball in my court because I am fully done with this game.